trivialities

who am i?

am i not the total sum

of trivial pursuits

of moments i’ve spent

engaged in trivial tasks

occupied by trivial thoughts, trivial facts?

if i scream on the edge of ocean cliffs

because i’ve lost my way

is it not trivial?

if i cry tears of happiness

because i’m standing in pouring rain

is it not trivial?

if i stare at the ceiling mindless

because i haven’t eaten in days

is it not trivial?

how trivial my internal shame

but also how trivial is a baseball game?

how trivial my wantless disorder

yet just as trivial is the american quarter

yes, these trivialities add together

still it’s only for a while, and then gone forever

now if we did trivia about me

“how well does everyone know

Zachary?”

it’d be trivial because not everyone sees

that trivially i’ve pursued many things

trivially i’ve seen hopes fade to distant dreams

trivially i’ve been at new lows i wish i’d never seen

and trivially i’ve come back better than i’d ever been

trivially i’ve broken friendships for less than i should

trivially i’ve mended fences (i thought i never would)

and trivially, i’ve grown when i wasn’t sure i could

if not so trivial, all my triumphs,

all my faults, and whatever other

then aren’t they significant?

yet significance yields thought and action

it requires my energy, it’s nagging persistence

so trivial they should be, everything without reaction

for one too many times i have given and given

and just as many times i have wept in realization

that the life i’ve led has been so insignificant

it must just be trivial

but, isn’t that logic just as trivial?

my mistakes and my hardships

my progress and my achievements

shouldn’t they matter to me?

do i deem them insignificant 

because they are what the world does not see

do i reduce every moment

to mere triviality

because i mourn time lost, happiness past

and everything in between?

so, yes, i am many trivial moments

many i wish i would forget

many i wish i could live again

many i know will be made when

i break free from my own prison

of insignificance

This is my piece I have titled trivialities. The poem was written in free form. I wrote this piece to discuss what has felt sometimes like an insignificant life I have led. Beyond mental health issues, losing many people in my life in the past few years, and coming to terms with an eating disorder and the many consequences of it, I have searched far and wide for purpose and a feeling of “belonging” in our world. Finding none, I have tried to reduce my experiences to trivialities, or what I have attempted to make my whole past millions of  insignificant moments. In doing so I realize that while there are a great many things in life that are somewhat trivial, and in the great wide world we are all somewhat insignificant. So this piece is me, reconciling the fact that while most of my life has been a bit trivial (especially from the perspective of others), that does not diminish the importance of what each moment is to me. Thank you.