Belonging

Faces, closer than magnets, as their voices whisper

tensely. Excitement singing as their coupled minds

foresee a future only they can envision. 

Me? I stand on the outskirts, longing for

a sisterhood as tight as theirs. A hand to hold

and an understanding deeper than can be seen.

Why? Why is it so hard for me to make connections?

To reach out to people. To put myself on the line and

be vulnerable, honest, and true. Beneath, I see the monster

blocking the path to freedom, and happiness.

Why? Why do their smiles and inside jokes taunt me? 

Jealousy streams into my mind as I stare with longing,

their laughter rings long after it has stopped.

Haunted, I go on to the next, always moving, 

never sticking to one place for too long.

In my mind, I see a different me. One who is confident,

communicative, connected. With ones I can talk to,

hold, and be with. Nothing hidden, genuine love, and

conversations about difficulties, family 

and the futures we are building each day.

I can see it, but reaching it takes constant confrontation,

With monsters, and demons having long plagued me.

Anxiety creeps in, voices telling me I can’t be 

a burden unto others. Habits ingrained in my soul, forcing

my body to follow suit. Avoidance, my strongest weapon.

“Tomorrow” I say, with hope and fervor. I just need to

better prepared, have more courage, and to be brave. 

But after many years, these voices grow weaker. The fears

start to outway the needs, the dreams. As future grows 

blacker and blacker, I ask myself, “How will I get there? When? Am I worthy of 

love and connection? What if they hate me?” Rejection, the constant 

demon I avoid at all costs. 

One day, I decided to slay each monster. One by one. With each fear

I chase down, the voices begin to disappear until they are all gone. 

I breathe more easily, take more chances.

And win the battle until there are no more to be fought. At least 

on this front. Onto the next adventure, to building the futures

we want, without monstrous anxiety affecting our choices. 

Freedom, at last.

This poem is about my social anxiety, and how it affects the relationships I cultivate in my day-to-day life. From childhood, I’ve always been an overthinker. I constantly worry about how others may perceive me. It is something I’ve always wanted to change about myself but never got around to confronting until I came to UCSD. I spent my entire first quarter wanting the same connections everyone else seemed to have no trouble making. But there was something that prevented me from doing so. The combination of social anxiety and habits built over my entire life led me to a place where I could not bring myself to even walk through the door to make connections with others. I ended up sad and lonely, not wanting to even leave my bed most nights. School kept me occupied for some time but it was never enough.

I struggled to get help and made plans to reach out to people. But they always fell through for one excuse or another. It affected my school work, as I couldn’t even raise my hand in class without the voices in my head telling me I don’t know anything and that I shouldn’t even ask. Low self-esteem and constant negative self-talk also played a part in my social anxiety worsening over the years. I can’t even ask for small things, like water. How can I gain the courage to say what needs to be said and use my voice?

All of this culminated in me being in the hospital because I couldn’t get the right help I needed. I was sitting there thinking about all the choices that had led me to this place. I had no one to comfort me, outside my family, and no real connections in my hour of need. I needed those connections more than ever. Even in my own family, I never tell them any of the bad things because I couldn’t bear to be a burden and worry. I was a people pleaser. I needed constant validation and approval. In everything I do, I avoid making mistakes like they are the devil. But they are, as I have come to realize, necessary for growth. 

I started going to mental health coaching recently. Together, my coach and I come up with strategies and practices that are more conducive to my success. I have learned to think of myself with more kindness and grace. I have also allowed myself to take up space, and not be afraid to express myself and my needs to others. Those “monsters” still plague me every day but I’m learning and growing as each monster is confronted. I still think it is possible to change and become a better person. More empathetic, sociable, and connected. I just need to keep at it. Learning how to deal with my emotions and thoughts more effectively so they don’t affect my behaviors is a work in progress. But as I continue along this journey, I hope to improve and become the best version of myself that I can be. 

One day, I will have those connections and friendships that I desire. I cherish the friendships that I do have at the moment and I hope to continue to cultivate new goals that allow me to become a better person. But in order to attain the friends I wish to have in my life, I need to open myself up to more people, be honest with myself, and confront each fear with a fierceness and courage that I know I have within me. “Speak even if your voice shakes” because who else will speak for you? Who else will speak for those who can’t or are not able to? I want to prove to myself that I can be that person. The one who is connected and free.