I think growing up should be about overcoming. I wish I could say I have overcome all of my  shortcomings but I haven’t. One of the major challenges I am working on overcoming is the sexism I’ve  internalized. Sexism has warped my view of myself and the world around me. From my body image to  the judgement I put on others, it’s embarrassing now. 

 Looking back, I had unfortunately exhibited what is now popularly called “pick me” behavior. I wasn’t  like the other girls, I read books, I didn’t care about makeup, and I didn’t put too much thought in my  clothes. Of course this mindset was entirely wrong. Obviously other women read books and the only  reason I didn’t wear makeup or put too much thought into my outfits was because I wasn’t good at  makeup and was too embarrassed to express my personal style. 

 Overcoming this is still a work in progress. A few years ago I wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing  the color pink and now it’s back to being one of my favorite colors. I read books but try not to delude  myself into believing I’m special because of it. I practice applying makeup and don’t default to the idea  that I am not good at it because I have better things to do, and fashion has become a way for me to  express myself. 

 Another aspect I’ve had a difficult time with is the “male gaze”. The male gaze is the act of portraying  women from a male perspective and I have caught myself viewing myself through this perspective. I  would hate my nose and air out my frustrations loudly, not realizing the impact that can have. I would  swear I was going to get a nose job and people around me would agree, they wanted nose jobs too.  

 The idea that I needed to butcher my nose into someone else’s idea of beautiful is scary to me now.  I’m also not proud that I perpetuated the idea that there is an ideal nose and that it is normal to want it  and change yourself to fit it.

 I wish I could say I’ve overcome every aspect of sexism that has influenced me but so far I’m still  working on it. I’ll catch myself hating the hair I naturally grow on my legs and face and even excusing  sexist behaviors. The process of overcoming and building resilience is a work in progress. 

 For my piece, I used a blue candle to represent the “pick me” version of myself and the pink candle to  represent the version of me overcoming my own sexism. The birthday cake is supposed to represent the  change for the better I hope to see in myself as I grow older and I didn’t include an age on the cake  because I believe this is something I’m still working on.