Within the past six years, my family moved from one country to the other twice. The whole experience was distressing for me, because in every public area, including schools, neighborhoods, and public transports, I could not speak fluently with others. Verbally and conceptually, I felt shut from the world happening in front of me. I feel unable to express myself. There were moments when I wanted to communicate, but I was intimidated for the reason that I know I am not able to act normally as they do. In the constant comparison of which group of people belongs more to the “standard”, I felt lost. However, I could not stop judging myself and others.

I used to think of that life as the most bizarre, nauseating rollercoaster. There is no enjoyable route. Intimidating tokens were raised in every direction. Every wave forward reminds me of the humiliation and surrender I had in the waves before. It has continued, even when I got into UCSD. The beginning of this journey starts with myself, alone again, just like moving from country to country during my adolescent period.

Then I decided to give it a chance in exploring what is here– What is the enclosed box that imprisoned me? What is it that I am lacking? What is here in San Diego? The awareness about my own mental aridity made me search for various beliefs and religious beliefs, but none of them worked for me. Nevertheless, I keep on seeking. I went to Church in the fall of 2022, when I started my first quarter at UCSD. Life is transforming in a subtly different way after I search for solutions, rather than cry for why things are happening this way. The truth in the world has not changed at all, but my perspective changed. I noticed, all the previous unhappy experiences were created by myself. I wouldn't want to rely on what blessings I already have. I didn't dare to search forwhat I am capable of.

In this painting, I choose acrylic as the medium for its malleable texture when appliedthickly. We can read the brushstrokes of acrylic in various manners: rough, hammered, swift, or subdued. I think of them as the movements of mind and action in my lifetime: they are constantly shape-shifting. Desires to stabilize and break boundaries exist within me simultaneously.Even so, it has an overall quality going towards a feeling of soft and tenderness. In addition, I wish to convey the weight and gravity of earth by using warm tone color. Earth is where we stand on; earth is where all the physical events took place; earth almost absorbed me, but released me when I was pulled up by my God. In contrast, I wish to convey the freedom I feel by using a cold tint for the sky. After meeting my God, I seldom feel suppressed. Every inhale and exhale is filled with freshness. I spent more time learning how to love others, instead of how to camouflage in the world.

The gray aircraft still has spikes. The smoke occasionally suffocates my view towards the clear blue sky. The amusement park remains with puzzling paths. Many things were still the same, except I am learning–and excited to learn–how to deal with them. I comprehend belongingness cannot be pursued externally, as it can only grow internally, slowly but steadily.