Miedo a Escribir
(Fear of Writing)
por José-Manuel Navarro
Tengo miedo.
Tengo miedo de escribir.
Tengo miedo de expresarme
Tengo miedo de que me refuten, me cuestionen,
Me condenen, me citen mal, me ignoren.
Tengo miedo de que me lean.
Si me leen, me pueden refutar.
Si me leen, se enterarán de mis secretos.
Sabrán lo que soy.
Si saben lo que soy, me desvelan al mundo.
Si me desvelan al mundo, me desnudan en público.
Si me desnudan en público, me abochornan.
Si me abochornan, me incomodo.
Incomodarme es sentirme algo menos de lo esperado.
Incomodarme es creerme peor de lo que se espera de mí.
No sé quién lo espera, cómo, ni cuándo, pero lo esperan.
Yo sé que me esperan.
Me esperan para leerme, para oírme, para criticarme, para refutarme.
Me tienen asustado, anodado, confuso.
Tengo miedo.
No escribiré.
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of writing.
I’m afraid of expressing myself.
I’m afraid that they’ll refute me or question me, if I write.
I’m afraid they’ll condemn me, misquote me, or ignore me.
I’m afraid that they’ll read what I write.
If they read me, they can refute me.
If they read me, they might uncover my innermost thoughts.
If they uncover my innermost thoughts, they’ll reveal me to the world.
If they reveal me to the world, they’ll strip me naked in public.
If they strip me naked in public, they’ll shame me.
If they shame me, I’ll be uncomfortable.
To be uncomfortable is to feel that I am less than what’s expected of me.
I can’t be less than what’s expected of me.
I don’t know who expects what, how or when, but they expect it.
I know they’re waiting for me.
They’re waiting to read me, hear me, critique me, and refute me.
I’m scared, speechless, confused.
I’m afraid.
I won’t write.
José-Manuel Navarro taught social studies and history in the Bilingual Multicultural Program at Edison High School for 8 years. He joined PhilWP as a teacher consultant in 2002. While at Edison, José-Manuel taught courses in Puerto Rican history, politics, and civilization and supervised master’s projects in La Salle University’s Master of Arts in Bilingual/Bicultural Studies program. José-Manuel taught all coursework in Spanish.