Finding My Voice

Finding My Voice

An English Teacher’s Reflections on Her Own

Development as a Writer

by Molly Thacker

I have always written as a way of making sense of my experiences and have always treasured being able to turn to writing as a way of making something beautiful out of something painful or difficult. I remember receiving a blank journal for my 13th birthday from my mom and reveling in its empty pages, then filling them voraciously with angst. I have also enjoyed reading for as long as I can remember. To this day, I can recite almost word for word the book I learned to read with (The Large and Growly Bear) and have distinct memories of sitting with my grandmother at the breakfast table and reading the daily newspaper to her, peering over my tea cup to make sure she was paying attention and was sufficiently impressed.

In fact, it is my love for reading and writing that has guided many of my decisions in life, from studying literature in college to becoming a high school English teacher. It is what brought me here to Philly and why I now lead the life that I do. So why, so many years later can I not seem to find the time to write a 100 word blog post about issues I am truly passionate about? How does time slip by without me finding a quiet corner in which to journal about the mundane or monumental events of the day? Why do stacks of books gather dust on my bedside table and patiently wait to be opened until June when I finally feel like I have the freedom to read something besides an essay written by a fifteen year old or an article about education policy? Why do I not make reading and writing more of a priority, like I urge my students to do, even when they are so much a part of what gives my life meaning and pleasure?

The short answer, and perhaps the easy excuse, is a lack of time. Between the mountainous to-do lists and endless stacks of grading and lesson plans, life seems to get in the way of putting pen to paper.

The longer, more complex answer involves me addressing fear, which I try to avoid doing. Finding my voice as a blogger was a strange experience. When I was writing publicly, I became concerned with the implications of putting my voice “out there.” On one hand, I became part of a new network and community that was very positive and encouraging – my work was being validated in a powerful way, in a way that I wasn’t used to, and I liked it. I felt like my voice was being recognized and valued not just as a teacher but also as an intellectual and a community member. On the other hand, there was a lot of risk involved in entering that space of public writing. I had to ask myself who I was and if I was representing myself authentically, not sugar coating or angling my experience a particular way. In the back of my mind, though, always, was the fact that I don’t just represent myself. I also represent Teach For America, the School District of Philadelphia, the school at which I teach, the family of which I am a part, and the organizations with which I align myself including PhilWP. Speaking on behalf of all those entities at times felt overwhelming and impossible.

But it feels so much better to speak up than it does to stay quiet. Finding and refining my voice as a teacher/writer/activist has been tricky and I imagine, like finding and refining my identity as teacher, it will be a long, continuous process. No matter how often I get sidetracked, though, I hope that I will always find my way back to writing because, in searching for the right words to say, I am brought back to center, back to reality, back to my true self. And that’s exactly who I want to be.

Molly Thacker is a high school English teacher at the Arts Academy at Benjamin Rush. Molly joined PhilWP as a teacher consultant in 2007.