Tips & Tricks on Being Paired with an Introverted Little

It’s not you, it’s me… or is it the other way around?

Tips & tricks on being paired with an introverted Little

You’ve heard all the coaching points – silence is golden, allow the conversation to flow naturally, it will take time for your Little to open up… easier said than done, right? Although we recognize that every relationship is different, it’s somewhat of a challenge to build rapport with your Little when they seem to clam up as they sit in the backseat of your car.

Is it me?

Do you hate my taste in music?

Did I do something wrong?

Before we dive into tips, here are a few things to remember:

This is a brand new relationship for them: Your Little may only have interactions with these types of adults a) their parent/guardians or immediate relatives, b) teachers, or c) authority figures  – these ‘relationships’ have a pre-determined set of expectations from each respective party. When being paired with a Big, we hope these Littles are a) free to be themselves, b) able to pose questions and concerns without judgement, c) are part of the process of making decisions. These characteristics may not be found in every adult relationship. They are trying to figure out what is ok and what isn’t!

Separation anxiety: It’s a real thing, folks. Just think – they’ve been surrounded by family all of their lives. It is unchartered territory for them to go out in to the community with someone other than their guardian. Although you are planning a fun outing for them, they may be stuck on the fact that mom, dad, or grandma won’t be with them. They need to adjust!

They aren’t used to initiating conversation: They are ‘talked at’ all the time by adults. Again, their teachers and parents are there to fulfill a role, so it will take some time for them to start asking you questions about yourself.

If something is bothering them, they may not want to rehash it: Think back to when you’ve had an exhausting day – do you feel like retelling the story? Especially if they’ve talked to their friends or family about a situation, the last thing they want to do is relive it. It’s easier to say ‘everything is cool’ rather than rehash the experience, hence reliving the emotions and feelings.

Ok, so my Little will be quiet forever?

No! At least we hope not. Unless they are taking a vow of silence, they may need some coaxing in beginning to open up.

Here’s what we suggest:

Find common ground with your Little: If your Little is obsessed with Pokemon, Marvel Comics, and computer games – why not do a Little research? Your Little is more likely to open up if you show them that you too know a bit about what interests them. Instead of saying, “How was the Batman vs Superman movie?”, show off a bit and say, ”Can you believe how different the 2016 Lex Luthor is from the original 1978 Superman movie?” Mic drop, you’re Little is impressed! Not only that, but you’re showing interest in things other than school, and their friends.

Play the Question Game: This is a classic Improv game! The challenge is to have a dialogue with someone while only being allowed to respond with a question; it’s particularly challenging when you have to stay on topic and move the conversation forward:

Person One: “How are you?”

Person Two: “How do you think I am?”

Person One:  “Would you be offended if I said you looked tired?”

Person Two: “What makes you think I look tired?”

Person One: “Would it surprise you if I were tired of green eggs and ham?

Person Two: “Do you like Green Eggs and Ham?”

Imagine the fun you and your Little will have! Not only does this take the pressure off of asking questions, but you can also pepper in other questions like Do the kids at your school like green eggs and ham? And eventually What types of friends do you make at school? You can structure the game so that you and your Little stay on one topic, or you can make it a free-for-all. It will be a bit silly at first, but fun! Tip – if your Little seems hesitant, show them the game on YouTube, and then challenge them to do it with you!

Ask questions throughout the activity: You’ve heard us say this time and time again – Littles are more likely to strike conversation if you are engaged in an activity. So whether you are bowling, doing arts and crafts, throwing a football around, or playing mini-golf, they are more likely to engage in a question during an activity rather than during lunch.

Incorporate questions in to the activity: Play 20 questions, but with a twist: if you happen to bowl with your Little, set it up where you each get to ask a question after every frame. Prep your Little first with the type of questions they can ask –oftentimes they will be stumped, so encourage them to ‘copy’ the questions you ask them, or give them specific topics or ideas. To take the pressure off the Little, free to pick questions beforehand and have each of you ‘pull’ a question out.

Fun questions:

‘If you were interviewed by a reporter, what would you say are the best things about your life right now? What would you say are the things that cause the most worry?”

‘If a genie could grant you three wishes, what would they be? If they could take away three worrisome things, what would you like them to remove?”

‘What’s it like being ______?’­ (insert age)

‘Who is the closest person to you right now? Why?”

‘If you could plan a perfect day from start to finish, what would it look like? Include where you would go, who would be in your ‘perfect day’, what you would eat, and so on!’

Other things to keep in mind:

• Still one-word answers? It’s ok, it’s a start. If you feel there is more to the story, inform your Little that you are open to listen. Say, “I would love to hear about _________when you feel like sharing.”

• They say something, but you don’t know how to keep them talking? Depending on the topic, avoid advising. It’s the fastest way to get your Little to clam up. Affirm that their story or feelings are indeed frustrating/exciting/upsetting.

• Change your position. For many people, talking face-to-face makes a person feel like they’re in the hot seat. Something as simple as being side-by-side – sitting and talking before the movie begins (before the previews, folks), taking a walk along the lakefront, or watching a sports game – can make it easier to connect. Think of the card ride – if your Little is looking at the window, instead of watching your face for any sign of a reaction, their words might flow more freely. Or, they could be listening to the Justin Bieber song on the radio. One or the other. :)

• Your biggest ally: the Little’s parent: Talk to your Little’s parent/guardian about what they say after an outing, ask them for tips on how to begin a conversation with your Little, and inquire as to whether the Little is enjoying their time with you. You and the parent/guardian are in this together! Share some of your concerns and partner on how to improve the rapport building process. They can provide a perspective or insight that you otherwise may not have received.

And, finally…

It takes time: There really is no time limit as to when your Little will miraculously open up. It’s hard to put an expectation as to when one becomes more comfortable, but it is important to recognize that it is different for everyone. Be patient, and watch out for the few moments that your Little opens up. It may not be anything drastic – a small question here, a mention of how school was there – but please, celebrate those milestones! Although they may be few and far between, they are signs that you’re Little’s comfort is growing. Don’t fret if they ‘regress’ or aren’t as talkative on the next outing… it takes time. :)