Essays

How To Write A Murder Mystery 2: Electric Boogaloo

A Multi-Part Guide

By the increasingly unqualified Joaquin S.

DISCLAIMER:

This is the second part of a recurring series of rambling writings I’m putting in this magazine, due to my lack of anything better to do.

If you didn’t read the first part of this series, go back and read it in the last issue.

If otherwise, go look at a bunny or something because this is probably a lot worse.

THOU HAST RETURNETH! And for good reason, because in case anyone is actually following my advice and writing a murder mystery (unlikely, but whatever), I’m going to continue yakking about how to successfully create your murderer character. 

Your next step in the Creation Of A Scumbag (Trademark) is to determine what the person is when they aren’t killing people. The stressed-out housewife I mentioned in the last article obviously doesn’t have murdering her husband as a hobby, because you’d run out of husbands on the first day, and that level of commitment takes a while to build up so you can’t find an easy replacement. Oh, and “murder is wrong” or whatever.

Here are some ideas (oh, and if you chose The Literally Nobody or The 1950s Cartoon Villain last time, skip this step):

• The Stressed-Out Housewife: See above. This commonly works with The Villain Who Isn’t Actually A Villain, but that’s overused so you could pair this with The Psychopath or The Self-Deluded Antihero and get a pretty interesting result!

• The Attractive 20-ish Nice Person: Unfortunately, overuse of this trope has made me suspect that every person that fits this description in a Murder, She Wrote episode is a cold-blooded killer. Use it sparingly.

• The Previously Nice Cop: Ooh, juicy! We got a Heel-Face Turn kinda vibe going on here, huh? Picture this: Your protagonist has hit the jackpot - a direct filing system of the fingerprints of everyone at the scene of the crime. They cross-reference with the prints on the murder weapon, but what’s this? The prints correspond with those of your partner in the police force! Just as they realize this, they hear a twig snap, and as they wheel around suddenly, they see their best friend aiming a gun at their head! Drama, eh?

• The Butler: Only use as a joke. Don’t talk to me.

• Your Mother: No, that is not a joke. And I don’t mean to literally make you, the reader, put your mother as the villain of your murder mystery (unless you have family issues, then by all means go ahead), I mean your main character’s mother. No clue how to implement this aside from some jokey Scooby-Doo reveal scene, but you could probably work something out.

• Some Random Guy: Taking inspiration from the Wednesday Addams quote:

*going in normal clothes to a costume party*

“I’m a homicidal maniac. They look just like everybody else.”

Of course, if you literally make your murderer “that guy who appeared once in the entire episode and did nothing of note” then you just get The Butler all over again if done badly. This both serves as a catch-all for every idea I didn’t bother to write down and an excuse to put that quote in.

Okay, that was mostly more of a “which tropes should you not use?” but whatever, if you can’t come up with your own ideas, that’s not my problem. And now, for the juicy part - THE ACTUAL EVENT OF THE MURDER! Now we pair together both options from both these articles to find a good idea for how the murder goes, and boom - instant plot kickoff! Here are some ideas:

• Psychopath / Your Mother (Family issues much?)

• Self-Deluded Antihero / Attractive 20-ish Nice Person (Of course the hot guy is an egotistical maniac, why not?)

• Villain That’s Just Plain Depressed / Stressed-Out Housewife (Oh noh me husband cheated on me wah)

• Literally Everybody / Some Random Guy (The stock characters are here, and they THIRST FOR BLOOD!)

• 1950s Cartoon Villain / 1950s Cartoon Villain (This character’s whole point is that they carry a business card with “nefarious scallywag” printed on it in fancy typeface, why would they need a secret identity?)

And based on what you picked, we can devise a murder victim and weapon, as seen below:

• Psychopath / Your Mother: Killed a (family member / guy dating her daughter) with a (frying pan / convenient knife / whatever the hell you want)

• Self-Deluded Antihero / Attractive 20-ish Nice Person: Killed some person of high importance (typically mayor for small towns) because they were a jerk with (poison / an assassination by sniper rifle)

• Villain That’s Just Plain Depressed / Stressed-Out Housewife: Killed (her husband / the person her husband was cheating on her with) with (probably poison but do what you like)

• Literally Everybody / Some Random Guy: All of the townspeople ganging up on (mayor / similar jerk) with (everyone has a different method based on their background, do whatever)

• 1950s Cartoon Villain / 1950s Cartoon Villain (Rarely actually does anyone in during the plot, more like attempts to kill) (the supporting characters / the MacGuffin character / the main character if you’re bored) with (an old-timey pistol / tying them to train tracks / a shark pit / insert James Bond deathtrap here)

(Side note: If you decided to be at least more original than all of these and went with The Literally Nobody as your choice in the first part, then go through this setup again and have the resulting character be The Red Herring (a false suspect, not literally a kind of fish) which the police suspect for most of the plot until your main character finds out that the murderer was a slippery bathroom floor or something.)

Aaaaaaaand there you go! Perfect setup for the actual event of the murder! I actually don’t know what the schedule of these Inquirer releases is so I might just cease to exist and you’ll have to deal with just these two papers, but if possible I’ll make a final one on your protagonist. If it’s the end of the school year and there still isn’t a third part, you have permission to burn your computer to destroy all evidence that you ever read this docume

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Access Garden

By Rosalind D H

Gardens are great places to enjoy spring, and there is one being built in our school by the Access middle school. I interviewed Ash from eighth grade, and Auryn from 7th, who were working on the garden at the time for more information on it.

Started in fall,  the goal for the garden is for it to be a place to learn about things like nature, plants and gardening, or be a good place for people to relax. Right now, the plants that will hopefully be grown are veggies, berries, edible flowers, herbs, root vegetables, and plants from the nightshade family, but right now only the garden beds are being built. 

They cannot get much done because PPS needs to approve some projects, and that is taking a long time, so it might not even be done by the end of next year. Another thing that might prolong their deadline is the fact that they need more supplies. If anyone has any wood, seeds, tools or soil, they could be a very helpful contribution to the garden. If you want to help, contact Tony at tshoukas@pps.net

 Even though it will take a long time, the garden will be a great addition to our school, and I think everyone is very excited to see how it will turn out!

     INTERVIEW WITH AN ART COLLEGE PROFESSOR 

by May Rau

A I had taught other classes and it had occurred to me to do it with artist and change the visual culture and the world around us

Q What is your favorite part of your job?

A the  teaching and the interactions with my students

Q How do you manage your time?

A its like middle school with different periods called a bell schedule 

What advice do you have for someone new to the industry?

A To listen 

Is there a quote or person that motivates you?

A“The important thing is to tell yourself a life story in which you, the hero, are primarily a problem solver rather than a helpless victim. This is well within your power, whatever fate might have dealt you.”

— Martha N. Beck

What is your greatest career strength?

A Listening

Which of your students taught you something?

A All of them

Why did you beat yourself up?

A I'm an artist that is something we do.