Night and Apotheosis

by Andrew Roberts

Do not mourn for me

Nuala

I can feel you even now

separated though we are by this horizonless night

with all the unfolded space stretching between us

I can feel you

and the supple curves of your neck and shoulders

you are the only warmth in this cold place

where the galaxies themselves

are less than pinpricks of light

I cannot see my hands or my feet

or any part of me

the absence of light breaks me down

and renders me incomplete

but I can still feel you

Nuala

feel your fingertips touching my lips

the way you did

on our first night together

and on our last

in those quickening moments

before we kissed

and how you took my breath away

and how you take it still

it is the coming-home kiss I love best of all

but my ship is gone

destroyed from without and from within

and there is no going home now

no folding my night to your night

to find our shared fixed point

our star

our home

I am falling

and I will fall forever now

drawn by the gravity of

some distant mass and matter

unseen

indescribable

unknown

falling in the wrong direction

falling away from home

falling away from you

but I can still feel you

Nuala

how is this possible?

the sensation is more than just

memory

more than my imagination

how can I smell you?

sealed in my suit as I am

dying by these slow degrees

and of all the things I could have smelled

would you believe

I smell your shampoo

I would rather smell your breath

or your pillow

your red sweater

or your sweat

but it’s that ordinary

over-the-counter-scent

of orange blossoms and vanilla that I smell

and it makes me smile

and regret

I should have fixed the roof

reseeded the lawn

rehung the front gate

and all the other things too

that I promised I would do before I left

but those are promises now I cannot keep

can you still hear me

Nuala?

my oxygen and power are nearly gone

it's getting colder

and it’s time I think

for me to sleep

but how I wish

you could have seen

what I have seen

not the comets and the clustered stars

the bending light or the great empty

that waits between

no

none of those things

but rather I wish just once

that you could see the sight of you

through my eyes

and feel what I feel

when I look at you

you are my love

and the apotheosis of my dreams

and I hope

I pray

we dream together one last time

this night

you and I

Nuala

one last time

before I dream no more.