LIVING FOSSIL FOUND OFF NEW GUINEA
by Mark Cornwall
Amalgamated Press
Scientists have discovered another so-called ‘living fossil’, a creature long thought to be extinct. Famed naturalist Charles Darwin, thought to be extinct since at least 1882, and previously known only from old writings and photographs, was recently found living on a remote island off the coast of Papua New Guinea.
The local Papuans, who have been fishing in these waters for generations, have long spoken of a creature they call ‘the old naturalist of the forest’ which was said to inhabit the island. These stories had been dismissed as local myth, but cryptozoologist Cornelius Heuvelmans decided to investigate.
“I was intrigued by the stories of this creature, especially considering that the local Papuan language has no word for ‘naturalist’,” said Heuvelmans, the cryptozoologist who made headlines a few years ago for almost finding evidence of the mysterious singing jellyfish of the Himalayas. Cryptozoologists, scientists who hunt for animals unknown to modern science, are “often criticized for relying too heavily on local legends and anecdote,” Heuvelmans said. “But in this case it paid off.”
“The locals were insistent that they had not only seen this creature,” said Stuart Elwedritsche, a member of Heuvelmans’ research team, “but that they had interacted with it. They tried making offerings of fish and fruits, which the ‘old naturalist’ turned down. But when they offered it fossil snail shells they had dug from the coastal cliffs which bore a resemblance to modern, living forms, the creature began to dispense sage wisdom on the preservation of favored races in the struggle for life.”
Despite a thorough search of the island and surrounding waters, the expedition almost failed. After weeks of searching and only a few tracks and droppings as evidence, Heuvelmans was about to give up and return to the mainland.
“We had some tantalizing clues, but the truth was that we had run out of money. I was working on a new grant proposal, but funding wouldn’t be available for some time. We resigned ourselves to returning to the mainland, and writing up what we had found.”
Heuvelmans found several of Darwin’s tracks, and correctly identified them as being consistent with the primitive, bipedal human ancestors of the nineteenth century.
“This excited me,” he said. “The discovery of an extant nineteenth century hominid would have been a big deal in itself. I had no idea it would be such a famous one.”
Heuvelmans was making a final sortie of the island, when he stumbled upon Darwin hiding in one of the island’s many caves.
“It had occurred to me that cave environments sometimes offer isolated habitats where relict species can be found,” he said. Darwin did in fact exhibit many of the adaptations commonly found in cave-dwelling species, such as pale skin and reduced visual acuity.
Darwin was in excellent health for his age. He was found to be friendly and communicative, and spoke an archaic form of English. When asked how he had managed to survive so long, the elderly naturalist replied that, “in isolated habitats, such as islands, where there is little in the way of predation or other selective pressures, organisms can survive virtually unchanged for millions of years.”
DNA tests have so far supported the hypothesis that Darwin is in fact a human, albeit a more primitive form. The creature has been described as a sort of ‘missing link’ between Lamarckian inheritance and modern evolutionary biology.
Heuvelmans didn't expect the creature to be dangerous, but, "We hit him with a tranquilizer dart just to be safe," he said. "Cryptids are notoriously unpredictable."
Cryptozoologists from around the world have hailed the discovery as a triumph for their field, long ridiculed by mainstream science.
“This could open up a whole new area for cryptozoology,” said Dr. Anson Woodwose, a part-time cryptozoologist who failed to find the Pope Lick Monster of northern Kentucky. “Imagine how many other historical figures might still be alive in some unexplored corner of the globe.”
"They laughed at the Mothman, they scoffed at the Jungle Walrus," said Norm Wolpertinger, amateur cryptid hunter and professional conspiracy theorist. "Mainstream scientists have not only been slow to accept the findings of cryptozoology, they have even called it pseudoscience. This deliberate slander makes it hard for us to get funding. This discovery is a vindication for cryptozoologists, and proves we were right all along. Cryptids are real."
Mr. Darwin was successfully captured alive and has been brought to the American Museum of Natural History for further study.