A totally genuine Guide to handling Thanksgiving 

By Mairead Boozang  

Thanksgiving can be a turbulent time. It’s not just about good food and better TV. It's about family. And family can be difficult. More so when you're suddenly stuck in a room with all of them for an entire day.  Here are some totally, one hundred percent serious tips and tricks on how to get through the day:

Small talk has to be the worst part of the holiday. There’s an awkward stretch of time before dinner where there’s nothing to do but talk and eat cheese and crackers. This is where you see relatives that you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving who want to know everything little about your life. They can also be insistent on telling you everything about their life. The best way to get through small talk is to avoid it completely. 

Try and keep busy! A lot is going on during Thanksgiving dinner prep. It tends to look less like Snoopy in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and more like a scene from The Bear. That means there’s tons you can do to help. Get folding chairs from the basement. Or sodas from the garage. Set the table. Keep the cheese board and chip bowl full. Don’t stay in one place long enough to get cornered and interrogated about your lack of job or relationship. 

If you have younger cousins, appoint yourself the babysitter. Let your relatives think you’re giving them a night off from parenting. The kids are better conversationalists anyway. This has the added bonus of making you look more thoughtful and all-around better than your self-absorbed, inconsiderate older cousins. 

No younger cousins? Pick the least annoying of the ones you have and take a long walk. Leave the function. People can’t talk to you when you're half a block away. Just make sure you time your stroll to be back before dinner, keeping people waiting is an opening for conversation. 

Maybe you don’t have cousins. Or maybe you just don’t like them. If you have a sibling, stick to their side and talk to them exclusively. Nobody else. Find a corner and stay there. If someone finds you to make conversation, at least you have a confidant if they say something dumb or overpersonal.  

Disappearing is a perfect way to avoid communication. If your family is hosting, lucky you! You know all the places other people don’t. Go to your room and lock the door. People might question where you are but they probably won’t go looking. 

But the dinner probably isn’t at your house. That doesn’t mean you can’t hide. Hide in the bathroom! Temporary solution but works nonetheless. Give yourself a short break, you deserve it. Works especially well if it’s a two story house, nobody goes to the upstairs bathroom. Let it be known that this technique only works three times max. After that people will start to ask questions.

But you can’t always get out of small talk. It’s going to track you down at some point. And someone always brings up touchy subjects like “when are you getting your drivers license?” or “do you have a job yet?” or even “do you have a boyfriend?”. Luckily for you we have topics that are not extremely personal.

Politics. People always say not to bring up politics but I don’t agree. I think it’s entertaining. Ask everyone what political party they are affiliated with. Or what they think about New York’s new mayor. This is best done at dinner where the whole house is together and all the adults have a few drinks in them. 

Brag about your accomplishments. Your Mom is probably already doing it so you might get in on the action. I know we have some sports teams in the championships this week. You’re cousins probably aren’t, let them know that you’re better and more athletic than them. Casually bring up your SAT score or what you got on last year’s AP tests. Maybe you did the Turkey Trot (if you did I hate you). Mention that as much as possible. 

Movies. Ask someone what the last movie they saw was. If it was something mainstream make sure they know that the last movie you watched was obscure and indie. Because you’re more intellectual than them and they should know that. If their movie is an adaptation of a book, tell them you read the book but haven’t seen the movie. Because you read and are better than them. 

Listen, don’t talk. People like talking about themselves, make a few noises to make it seem like you’re listening and zone out completely. Let your overachieving Aunt tell you about how she did the Turkey Trot. And don’t let her know how little you care, instead lie and tell her that you’re really impressed and wished you had that kind of willpower. She needs the win anyway. Or let your Cousin’s fiancé explain his job to you, it’s not going to make any more sense after the explanation but it will pass the time. 

Pick your battles. Some conversations don’t need to be had by you. When your Uncle loudly states that he’s “surprised they can still call it the Thanksgiving Day Parade with all that woke stuff” (real quote from my Uncle last year), don’t question what he could have possibly meant by that. Instead stay quiet and watch the marching band on the TV. This argument is for your cousin studying Political Science, not for you. 

The best part of the Holiday is supposed to be the food. But not everyone can be Ina Garden, Martha Stewart, or Carmy Berzatto. You also can’t look your Great Aunt in the eyes and tell her that her stuffing was burnt and tasted horrible. But there are some nicer ways to get through your family's subpar cooking.

Dry turkey is the most common issue with Thanksgiving dinner. Cooking a twenty pound bird is no easy feat and a lot can go wrong. And a lot goes wrong. That’s what gravy is for. Drown the whole plate in gravy. It covers all the other flavors.

Load up on the least-bad stuff. Some dishes are nearly impossible to mess up. These are the dishes that should make up most of your plate. Burnt Mac and cheese is better than the assortment of casseroles that somehow all look identical, fill half your plate with the pasta. Even watery mash potatoes taste good so get a pile of them. 

A plate full of food is the best way to get out of some of the less-than-stellar dishes on the table. It’s easier to refuse your aunt's green beans that are both shriveled and soggy when there’s no room for them. Tell her that you’ll “make sure to try them later” and then avoid her the rest of the night (see above for methods to do so). 

Save room for dessert. Grocery store pies are probably going to be better than most of the home cooked stuff, don’t forget this. Worst case scenario would be surviving dinner only to be too full for dessert. 

As the night comes to a close, leaving can become a whole other battle.  Adults get caught up in conversation and forget that you don’t want to be there. Here are some tactics to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

The first to leave a function is the families with little kids or the elderly. So try and get one of those in your ride. It being past someone’s bedtime is a perfect excuse to get out of there. You can’t argue with a cranky toddler or old person. They say it’s time to leave, you leave. Don’t get stuck in a car with night owls. 

When asking to leave Thanksgiving dinner, it’s important who you ask. Never ask the parent whose family you’re with. For some reason they always want to catch up with their relatives. Ask another adult, one that is not blood related to the host. They’re more likely to want to get out of there. 

If you have your own license, be the get away driver. Offer to drive yourself and your siblings. Now you have a way out. Nobody can stop you from leaving if you have the keys.

Once you decide to leave, you have to make it out the door. This is hard when you have to personally say goodbye to everyone at the party. So don’t. Leave without saying anything. Pull an Irish goodbye and see how long it takes for anyone to notice. You’ll have to talk to the host on your way out but everyone else is completely optional, no matter what your parents claim. This works particularly well when you have your own car. 

Here are our tips and tricks to surviving Thanksgiving. Hope I can help make your holiday just a little more bearable. In all seriousness, have fun seeing family and try to enjoy yourself even if it’s just a little bit. Remember that Thanksgiving only comes around once a year and you won’t see some of these people until next year.