From a Time of Despair to a Time of Hope

I never knew what it felt like to feel refreshed and relieved. The life I remember was often focused on worrying about the things I was unable to control, and about trying to punish myself for the things I did wrong. After realizing what I really needed to focus on, I was finally on my way to a healthy mindset. This is where it started.

It was the night of December 31, 2019, and I was on my way to church to spend my first minutes of the new year with God. I walked in to see a lot of people, some of them being my church family and friends. I went to go greet people who I have not seen in a while, and followed my mom into the sanctuary. It was going to be a few hours before we needed to gather once again, so I followed my friends and played games with them. Knowing that I was surrounded by people who were okay with being open with me and were not going to hurt me felt really good, so I did not have to worry about hiding myself on the inside to prevent myself from getting judged. Instead, I could laugh with them all I wanted, I could be serious when I needed to, and I could pray with them. The moment when you realize that you can be comfortable around people for once feels amazing. True laughter and happiness was shown in these moments I had with them, though it was only a few hours. I learned in that moment that I need to be careful with who I am friends with and find the people that I can be comfortable around. From throwing muffins at each other to taking pictures with one of the final contestants from The Voice was awesome ! It was not even midnight yet and this had already become one of the best nights in my life. I felt so grateful for being able to come to my church, especially on a night like this, one that I will never forget.

Finally, the time came. It was about 5 minutes until midnight, and I sat with my mom to listen to the worship team playing songs. It is my DREAM to become one of them one day. I felt amazing in my last few moments of 2019. Something inside me told me that it was going to be a good year. As I look back on this thought now, even though I’ve already been through so much that has tried it’s best to destroy me, I’m still picking up pieces of myself that I was getting back after I had lost it. I’m getting stronger everyday. Comparing that to now, I always try to look for the positive. When we were praying, we held hands, looked to God, and the timer struck. We were now in 2020. As the clock kept ticking, we raised our hands and praised God for helping to get us through our lives, and to get us to this point where we have found other people that we can relate to and can be comfortable around. One of my great friends, Abby, had battled cancer 3 times in her life, and has beaten it all three times. To see her praising God through what she has been through just inspires me even more.

Afterwards, I said goodbye to my friends, but with my mom and my brother, Abby and her mother followed us to the diner. Of course, because it was already super late at night, we were not totally awake. This resulted in taking the jelly and butter packets placed on the table and pretending they were volcanoes and making a huge mess. We probably were the loudest people in the diner with how much we were laughing. We got something to eat and spent a lot of time there laughing with each other. We told crazy made up stories of princesses and dragons and animals in a forest. That’s the kind of friend I want for my whole life. Though she is much younger than me, I see a lot of positives from her.

When we were done eating and done messing around, we said our goodbyes, gave hugs, and left. Now it was time to go to sleep and wake up to a brand new day tomorrow, though it had already started. The car ride home was nice and peaceful, and I felt happy. Now was the time where I had begun my process of giving my life to God. It is not the same way for all people, but committing my life to God is one of the many ways I keep myself happy.

Now it’s almost the end of April. It has been a couple months but I have already been through so much. From missing my loved ones to losing friends, I have still kept the faith. But if we are talking about friends, I still have the ones from church of course. Just those who feel like they don’t want me in their life are the ones I need to let go of. I’ve learned so much more about myself in this time of crisis. This includes cooking/baking, chalk art outside, finding a workout plan to commit to, praying more often and spending more of my day with God, and strengthening my bonds with my family members and with my real friends.

The most important factor that plays a huge role in my heart is God. Without Him I don’t know where I would be today. But I do know that I have to keep a strong faith if I want to continue moving forward during my lifetime. Ever heard the saying, “New Year, New Me ?” Well, I think that that saying is really starting to apply to me. Not only do I know how to be truly happy, but I have figured out what I need to be focused on in my life. No more worries, no more fears, and no more losing myself.