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The Role of the Caregiver in Emotional Regulation
The Role of the Caregiver in Emotional Regulation
What is co-regulation?
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is the process through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations from the beginning of life through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers.
Co-regulation begins in infancy. Infants have limited abilities to regulate themselves at the beginning of life. When an infant is crying a parent/ carer picks them up, holds them close, rocks, and wraps them up in a tight swaddle. All of these strategies are tools to provide correct sensory input that calms and regulates the baby’s system. This is co-regulation.
The parent/ carer is offering tools and strategies to support the infant’s needs. Babies learn how to communicate and manage their feelings based on the parent/ carer’s responses to their negative emotions.
Please watch Still Face Experiment by Dr. Tronick
The still face experience gives an insight into how a parent's reaction can impact the emotional development of a baby.
Co-regulation is like teaching children how to ride a bike.
In the beginning, the young child simply sits there while the parent/ carer does all the work holding up the bike and pushing it forward. But soon, the child gets used to balancing on the bike. They start pedalling and balancing on their own. At some point, the parent can let go.
Holding up the bike at the beginning is essential for the child to learn to bike.
Without the parent/ carer, the child will likely fall and get hurt. When it becomes too much, they may give up.
Similarly, without co-regulation, a child may experience dysregulation, such as outbursts or aggression, and develop a maladaptive coping strategy, such as emotion suppression, that can result in low self-esteem, behavioural issues, and poor emotional regulation skills.
Co-regulation is, therefore, essential in helping a child create calming connections in their brain. Your calming energy is translated to your child’s calmness.
How to co-regulate?
How to co-regulate?
Co-regulation starts with you!
Parents’ self-regulation is an essential part of co-regulation. Adults are role models for their children on how to control their emotions.
It can be challenging to deal with a screaming, and extremely distressed child during a meltdown, especially if the situation has already triggered big feelings in you.
Many adults struggle with self-regulation. This is where we see additional problems. When young children need support to co-regulate, sometimes the adults in their lives are not offering the tools and strategies as a support person.
If a parent responds to a child’s meltdowns or behaviours with emotional outbursts, anger, stress, and anxiety, the young child is unlikely to learn to soothe themselves.
It is important for adults to take a look at their stressors, internal anxiety, and emotional state so they can support the young child.
How many times have you witnessed frustrated teachers/ parents/ caregivers yelling at children?
Does it calm them, or make them afraid and shut down, or respond with similarly frustrated behaviour?
This is why it is important for caregivers to step away from a situation where the child is “pushing their buttons”. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, use positive self-talk or some other mechanism of self-regulation. It’s okay to say that you need a time out in order to self-regulate yourself first. If it becomes too difficult for you to control your emotions when your child is upset, consider speaking to your GP who may be able to offer supports or can assist you in identifying and addressing unresolved issues that could prevent you from being a calm, caring parent. You can also access support at Children 1st Parentline - Parenting Help, Advice & Support | Children 1st
If you are an Adoptive parent then support is available via Adoption UK, who offer a helpline in Scotland, Mon-Fri 10:00 - 14:30
Owning our own emotions first!
Owning our own emotions first!
Owning our own emotions, recognising our own limits and reflecting on our own experience, is pivotal in our role as a parent.
Throughout development, co-regulated experiences are a critical resource for children, but the types of co-regulating behaviours can change as children's self-regulating capacity grows.
Changes in the parent’s responses can scaffold the child’s emotional experiences, guiding them to use increasingly sophisticated ways to self-regulate.
Each person develops their social-emotional skills at a different rate. Here is a general guideline on co-regulating at different stages. The suggestions here may require a bit of modification to suit your family whilst applying the same principles.
"As children develop, their brains "mirror" their parent's brain. In other words, the parent's own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child's brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well. That means that integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your child" - Dr. Dan Siegel
"As children develop, their brains "mirror" their parent's brain. In other words, the parent's own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child's brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well. That means that integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your child" - Dr. Dan Siegel
Co-regulation is a part of development. Before children can self-regulate, they need support from the key adults around them to support with co-regulation first.
Think ... are you Co-regulating or Co-escalating?
Co-regulation:
Co-regulation:
When one nervous system influences another nervous system through warm and supportive interactions with the intention to sooth and calm.
When one nervous system influences another nervous system through warm and supportive interactions with the intention to sooth and calm.
Co-escalating:
Co-escalating:
When one nervous system influences another nervous system through agitated and upset interactions, cause further distress. (This is often unintentional).
When one nervous system influences another nervous system through agitated and upset interactions, cause further distress. (This is often unintentional).
How are you responding to your child?
Responsive caregivers pay close attention to the shifting emotional and physiological (body) cues of their children, while also regulating their own emotional state.
When caregivers are able validate their child's emotions, listen carefully with empathy and provide consistent responses in the midst of arousal, children develop a growing capacity for self-regulation.
The human need for co-regulation evolves throughout childhood and adolescence and remains throughout the lifespan. When plenty of co-regulation is provided through early stages of development, the need for co-regulation reduces as children grow. This is because children start to internalise co-regulation and self-soothing skills.
Co-regulation involves various types of responses including:
Co-regulation involves various types of responses including:
a warm, calming presence and tone of voice
verbal acknowledgement of distress
modelling good coping behaviours t
the provision of a structured environment that supports emotional and physical safety
Co-regulation is a part of development. Before children can self-regulate, they need support from the key adults around them to support with co-regulation first.
Even as adults we all continue to benefit from some co-regulation, especially in times of stress.
Co-Regulation Strategies at each stage of development
Infancy (0-12 months)
Infancy (0-12 months)
In infancy, babies require adults to manage a large portion of their regulatory needs, from feeding to temperature control to management of environmental stimuli. Infants react physically to the sensory information around them, with little capacity to change their experience. They need adults who are sensitive to their cues and able to provide a soothing presence in times of distress.
Ways to support with co-regulation:
Provide emotional warmth and nurturing responses
Anticipate needs and respond to cues
Provide structure and consistent routine
Provide physical and emotional comfort when infant is distressed or dysregulated: speak calmly and give affection
Modify the environment to decrease demands and stress (e.g. provide quiet)
Pay close attention and respond quickly to the cues your child sends
Comfort them physically with caring gestures (e.g., holding and hugging) and emotionally (e.g., speaking in a soft voice) to help them stabilise
Toddler (ages 1-2)
Toddler (ages 1-2)
Toddlers are beginning to build motor and language skills that allow them to control some aspects of their environment, like moving away from a loud noise or asking for something to eat. They continue to have strong emotions that far outweigh these emerging skills.
In this developmental period, caregivers can begin to purposely teach and model skills like waiting (i.e., brief delay of gratification) and using simple words to communicate feelings and needs. Adults are still largely responsible for structuring a safe and manageable environment, as well as for providing comfort and reassurance when toddlers are upset.
Ways to support with co-regulation:
Hug them and speak in a calm tone of voice
Distract them or shift their focus to something else
Remove your child from the stressful place and create a sense of safety
Teach them words to express their emotions
Teach age-appropriate rules and expectations
Label emotions, teach and coach use of words to express emotions
Model waiting and self-calming strategies
Redirect child attention to regulate behaviour
Preschool Age (ages 3-5)
Preschool Age (ages 3-5)
During the preschool years, children experience rapid growth in areas of the brain associated with self-regulation, which makes them developmentally much more prepared to learn and use self-regulation skills.
This is the perfect time for caregivers to actively teach and coach skills like emotion identification, problem-solving, perspective-taking, and calm-down strategies. It's important to note that children will need considerable repetition, prompting, and practice in using these new skills. Likewise, caregiver modelling of these skills is important, as children watch adults closely to learn how they should behave.
Ways to support with co-regulation:
Help them identify sensations that signal dysregulation so they can use the techniques before the level of anxiety escalates (nervous tummy, sweaty palms, etc.). Encourage them to practice
Teach simple problem-solving skills by suggesting options
Teach and coach identification of solutions to simple problems
Using soothing touches and words to calm your child’s body
Coach and encourage rule-following and task completion
Model, prompt, and reinforce self-calming strategies like take a long deep breath while counting to 3, and breathe out slowly. Repeat a few times until they are calm
Think about providing spaces for calming down and consider what activities help your child to feel calmer e.g. looking at a book
Provide clear and consistent responses in a calm manner
Emotion-coach them to learn about their feelings, label their emotions, and express them with words
Primary School Children
Primary School Children
In primary school, children gain more control over their attention, emotions, and behaviour. They have a growing ability to manage their impulses and delay gratification, and they become aware of their own thinking processes, emotions, and decision-making. At the same time, behavioural expectations and social interactions become more complex in the school environment. This is a relatively stable period developmentally, which gives caregivers extensive opportunities to instruct and coach children in using self-regulatory skills. Ongoing co-regulation support across the primary school years will help skills crystallise. Children's skills will grow in sophistication over time in preparation for the increased demands of adolescence.
Ways to support co-regulation:
Continue to provide a warm, nurturing, supportive relationship
Assist in problem-solving more complex academic, behavioural, and social situations
Model conflict resolution strategies
Prompt and coach coping skills and calm-down strategies, including self-talk and relaxation
Teach and support organization and planning skills needed for academic success
Provide opportunities to make decisions and self-monitor behaviour
Continue to provide clear rules, structure, and consequences in a calm manner
Secondary School Children
Secondary School Children
In adolescence, brain architecture once again undergoes major changes, bringing both benefits and challenges for self-regulation. In early and mid-adolescence, brain systems that process emotions and seek rewards are more developed than the cognitive control systems responsible for good decision-making and future planning. This means that teens are biased towards choices that offer short-term reward rather than long-term benefit, and their emotions heavily influence their decisions. Given that poor decisions during adolescence can have long-term negative consequences, this is not the time for caregivers to step back from their supportive roles; co-regulation support during this developmental period is crucial.
Ways to support co-regulation:
Provide a warm, responsive relationship
Provide support and empathy in times of intense emotion
Model, monitor, and coach more sophisticated self-regulation skills across different contexts
Monitor and limit opportunities for risk-taking behaviour
Provide opportunities to make decisions and self-monitor behaviour in less risky situations
Give time and space to calm down in times of conflict
Monitor and prompt use of organizational and planning skills for successful task completion
Continue clear rules, boundaries, and consequences to encourage amd support good choices
Occupational Therapy Webinar
Occupational Therapy Webinar
'TASSK' (Tools and Strategies to Support Kids) is a pre-recorded online Occupational Therapy led workshop for Parents/Carers. The webinar is facilitated by Occupational Therapists who work with children and young people within CAMHS (Children & Adolescent Mental Health Service) and East Lothian Council.
In these webinars you will learn more about but not limited to:
Understanding the brain and brain development and how this effects behaviours
The Window of Tolerance analogy explained
An overview of the Fight, Flight, Freeze Responses
Evidence-based approach (3 R’s: Regulate, Relate, Reason)
Physical Environmental factors and strategies
Social Environmental factors and strategies
Co-regulation tips
Understanding the demands of a task through an Occupational-therapy lens
Strategies to support your child to engage in day-to-day tasks
An overview of understanding sensory difficulties
Sensory strategies
Further Information
Further Information
resources for parents - anxiety.pdfPage updated
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