Attendance at funerals

Explaining funerals, burials and cremation

A young person may have a general understanding of what a funeral is, but may not know what actually happens on the day or what will be expected of them. For this reason, it is important to give them opportunities to talk about the funeral in advance, explain what they might see or hear, and encourage them to ask any questions they may have. Clear, honest, and age‑appropriate preparation can reduce anxiety and help them feel more confident and reassured.

Concerns about a funeral being too overwhelming or emotional for children are understandable, however research shows that when children are well prepared and offered choice, attending a funeral can be comforting and meaningful.

It may be comforting for families to know that feedback from services that support children and young people with bereavement shows that people do not regret attending or being involved in funerals. In contrast, young people who were not given the option to attend often report strong feelings of resentment or exclusion later on, even though the decision was made with their best interests at heart.

Preparing children and young people for funerals

It is important to speak with children and young people about death and funerals in ways that are appropriate to their age and understanding. Using clear, honest language helps them make sense of what has happened and reduces uncertainty or fear.

Choice is central. Thoughtful conversations about what a funeral is and what it involves allow children and young people to decide whether they would like to attend. Some may choose not to go at all, while others may prefer to attend only part of the service. Both options are valid. Even spending a short time at a funeral can be enough to give a child the opportunity to say goodbye in a way that feels right for them.

To help children feel prepared and supported, it can be useful to talk through what they might experience, including:

The coffin
Explain what the coffin may look like and reassure children that when someone has died, their body no longer thinks or feels anything. Some families choose to place letters, drawings, or special objects in the coffin. For many children, understanding this process can be a meaningful part of saying goodbye.

Who will be there
Let children know who is likely to attend the funeral. There may be many people or just a small number, and either is okay. It can be reassuring to explain that there will be people whose role it is to guide the service and ensure everything runs as it should.

Emotions
Prepare children and young people for the range of emotions they may witness. People may appear sad, cry, or be quiet, and sometimes there may also be moments of talking or laughter. Reassure them that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel or behave, and that all reactions are acceptable.

The eulogy
Explain that some funerals include a eulogy, where someone close to the person who has died shares memories, stories, or feelings about them. This might include readings, poems, or passages from a religious or cultural tradition. Children may wish to contribute their own memory or message, and it can help to reassure them that they will be supported if they choose to do so.

Music
Music often forms an important part of funeral rituals, whether formal or informal. Let children know what music to expect and, where appropriate, offer them the opportunity to choose a song, sing, or play music that feels meaningful to them.

Clothing
Some funerals have expectations about dress, such as wearing dark colours, while others may reflect specific wishes of the person who has died, such as wearing bright colours or white. Explaining this in advance and allowing children to have a say in what they wear can help them feel more comfortable and involved.

A support person
It can be helpful to identify a trusted adult or older sibling whose role is to stay close to the child during the funeral. Reassure the child that if they feel overwhelmed, they can take a break or step outside, and that this is completely okay.

The wake
Explain what a wake is and when it might take place. A wake is often a more informal gathering after the funeral that allows people to spend time together, share stories, and remember the person who has died. For some children and families, attending the wake rather than the funeral itself may feel like a more comfortable option.

By offering honest explanations, answering questions openly, and sharing information in an age‑appropriate way, adults can help children and young people make informed choices. When children feel prepared and supported, they are more likely to feel included, respected, and part of the wider grieving community.

By working together, families, schools, and professionals can ensure that children and young people have space to express their grief and feel held within collective care at a difficult time.

Addtional considerations for neurodiverse children and young people

Neurodiverse children and young people may experience grief, rituals, and unfamiliar environments in different ways. This includes (but is not limited to) autistic children, those with ADHD, learning disabilities, sensory processing differences, or communication needs. While every child is unique, thoughtful planning and flexibility can help ensure they feel safe, included, and respected.

Preparation and communication
Clear, concrete, and explicit explanations are often especially helpful. Avoid euphemisms and ambiguous language, and explain what will happen in a step‑by‑step way. Visual supports, timelines, social stories, photographs of the venue, or written plans can help some children understand and reduce anxiety. Repetition and opportunities to ask the same questions more than once may also be beneficial.

Sensory considerations
Funerals can involve sensory challenges, such as crowded spaces, unfamiliar smells, loud music, prolonged sitting, physical closeness, or strong visual stimuli. Where possible:

• Talk in advance about potential sensory experiences

• Identify quieter areas or exits

• Allow the use of sensory aids (e.g. headphones, fidget objects, comfort items)

• Offer flexibility around seating and movement

Let children and young people know that stepping outside, moving around, or taking breaks is acceptable.

Understanding and expressing emotions
Some neurodiverse children may express grief through behaviour rather than words, or may show emotions differently to what adults expect. Others may not appear outwardly distressed at the time but process their grief later or in waves. It is important to reassure families and professionals that there is no single “right” way to grieve, and that unusual or delayed reactions do not mean the child does not care.

Choice, predictability, and control
Choice is particularly important. This might include deciding:

• Whether to attend the funeral

• Which parts of the service to attend

• Where to sit

• How long to stay

Providing predictability and allowing the child or young person to retain a sense of control can significantly reduce distress.

Social expectations and behaviour
Explicitly explain social expectations, such as when people might stand or sit, whether people will talk, and what “being quiet” means in that context. Reassure children that adults understand they may behave differently, and that support is available if they find it hard to follow social rules.

Trusted support person
Identifying a trusted adult who understands the child’s needs and cues can be particularly helpful. This person can offer reassurance, help interpret what is happening, and support the child to take breaks or leave if needed.

Processing after the funeral
Some neurodiverse children and young people may need additional time and support after the funeral to process what has happened. Follow‑up conversations, drawing, writing, play, or revisiting explanations can help consolidate understanding and provide opportunities to express feelings safely.

By recognising neurodiversity and offering flexibility, clear communication, and compassionate support, adults can help ensure that neurodiverse children and young people are not excluded from important rituals, and that their grief is acknowledged in ways that are meaningful and accessible to them.