Developmental understandings of death

Models and theories for grief and loss with children and young people

There are a number of psychological theories and models that support an understanding of grief and loss. They attempt to explain the experience but we should remember that each child and young person has their own unique response. The models describe grief as a non-linear process that is complex, unpredictable and may reappear in different forms.

Dual Process Model of Bereavement (Stroebe & Schut, 1999)

This model shows the two different ways of behaving: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented. 

When grieving you move between the two. 

It suggests that people need both time to confront the feelings of loss and to have times where they do not.

Loss-oriented: This includes things that make you think about the bereaved person and their death. These thoughts, feelings, actions and events that make you focus on your pain and grief are called loss-oriented stressors.

  • Looking at old photos/hearing a song
  • Noticing that someone is not there waiting for you.

Restoration-oriented: These are the things that let you get on with your life and distract you from your grief for a while. Even for short periods of time these can allow small breaks from focusing on the pain. The behaviour is designed to restore order and normality.

    • Going to school and working.
    • Spending time with friends.

Movement between loss- and restoration-oriented behaviour can support people to manage feelings of intense grief as they can tackle it bit by bit. It can be a helpful way of considering children’s behaviour when they jump in an out of feelings of loss; for example, a child may be enjoying time with friends but in a short space of time may be feeling anxious and sad. It can also provide a simple explanation for children around their emotions – feeling an intense emotion and then a little later feeling better. It also gives them permission to be doing the things they need to do e.g. going to school and seeing friends.  

Growing Around Grief - (Tonkin, 2009)

This model can provide a helpful visual to use with children to explain that the aim of grieving is not to get rid of the feelings of loss but to reduce the intensity and to enable them to reach the point where they can function well most of the time. The feelings can re-emerge during significant events or when they are reminded of the person. It does not remain at the forefront of their mind stopping them from engaging fully in life.


Child Bereavement UK video: Puddle Jumping

This animation from CBUK aims to help adults understand how grieving children can seem to move in and out of their grief, a bit like they’re jumping in and out of a puddle. 

Children often have many different thoughts, feelings and behaviours when processing death and loss. 

It is important to keep in mind;

East Lothian's guidance document has more information on children's understanding of bereavement by their developmental age.

Bereavement 1 - developmental age and understanding.pdf
The ages and stages detailed below are a guideline and it is essential you take into account an individual’s specific needs when using them as a guide.

Children and young people's concept of death

It is important to remember that children's understanding of death will change as they develop and get older.

Below are examples of how children and young people might think about death depending on their age.

0-2 years old

2-4 years old

e.g. because they have been “naughty” or wished the person would go away
e.g. believe they can make the person come back

4-6 years old 

6-10 years old

e.g ‘was it my fault?’

10-12 years old

Adolescence

Behaviours you might notice

Children may show different reactions to death dependent on their age and what stage they are in their development.

However it is important to remember that not all children behave the same as a result of loss. Often other factors influence their reactions and behaviours; personality, previous experience with death, gender differences, religious and cultural beliefs and family support, all play a part in processing loss.

Below are some examples of behaviours which may be presented following bereavement and loss during particular ages. More in depth examples are provided on the previous page; Common responses to bereavement and loss.

0-2 years old

e.g. loss of bladder control, reduced speech

2-4 years old

e.g. “I know mum has died but will she be at my party next week?”
e.g. eating/sleeping, wetting the bed, physical symptoms becoming irritable or confused

4-6 years old

6-10 years old

e.g. why and how?
Including guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, sadness and worry

10-12 years old

Adolescence

e.g. using alcohol or drugs
This is a common reaction that does not necessarily mean they are suicidal but does require clarification. Asking the question will not put the idea in their head.

Things that can help

Children may need different responses to their grief depending on their age. 

It is important to remember that no reaction to loss is wrong, and every child is unique in their response to death.

0-2 years old

e.g. holding more, playing calm music, talking in a soft voice
‘ You seem sad/worried/angry’, ‘You are maybe missing ….?’, ‘Things seem different and unfamiliar’
e.g. ‘Granny will be looking after you in the morning’, ’We are missing ….’

2-4 years old

4-6 years old

e.g. “cancer spreading”, “passed away” & “gone to sleep” and check children’s understanding
e.g. showing them dead leaves
e.g. numb, frustrated, sad

6-10 years old

              e.g. showing them dead leaves
e.g. drawing, music, drama and stories

10-12 years old

e.g. sadness/anger

Adolescence

References

Stroebe, M.S., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23, 197-224.

Tonkin, L. TTC, Cert Counselling (NZ) (2009) Growing around grief – another way of looking at grief recovery, Bereavement Care, 15:1, 10.