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Challenges
Challenges
Any bereavement is devastating, but a sudden death comes with additional layers of shock, horror and disbelief.
It can be difficult to grasp the reality of the situation.
Searching for meaning and understanding are often key behaviours displayed by those who have been bereaved.
There can also be regret around lost opportunities, incomplete plans and things people wish they had said but did not have the chance.
There is also no opportunity to say goodbye. This can lead to children, young people and other family members reliving events in their head as they feel unfinished.
When a post mortem is required this can delay funeral arrangements. This can, in turn, add to the sense of it not being real and impact on the way people grieve. This type of death can also involve media attention which can be intrusive and distressing for a family.
Accidental death
Accidental death
An accidental death can be accompanied by a wish to go back in time to change the course of events or it can result in very intense anger at the senselessness of the event. It can generate thoughts such as “If only...”, “Why?” and “Why didn’t I?”. Information and answers may come through official procedures that respond to questions around why it happened. Other questions can be far more difficult. They are an attempt to make sense of situation where there does not appear to be any sense or a straightforward answer.
Bereavement by murder or manslaughter
Bereavement by murder or manslaughter
In circumstances where a death has been sudden and violent, feelings of grief may be experienced by children and young people more intensely. While this experience of grieving will be unique to everyone, below are some common responses for those who have been bereaved by murder or manslaughter:
Disbelief and numbness: Death that is unexpected and violent will come as a shock so it may take a child or young person a long time to process and accept it as being real.
Guilt: Following a death by murder or manslaughter it is common for family and friends to wonder whether they could have said or done anything differently that might have prevented their loved ones death.
Fear: Knowing a loved one has died by murder or manslaughter can make children or young people scared about leaving the house or doing normal activities. These feelings may be particularly noticeable if the perpetrator has not yet been identified or found.
You can help children and young people through this difficult time by:
Providing a lot of repeated reassurance that they are safe and loved. Make sure the child or young person knows that nothing they did could have changed what happened.
Involving them in making decisions to give them a sense of control again e.g. let them decide what to have for dinner or contribute to decisions about the funeral.
Reassuring them that it's ok to still have fun and laugh, and not to feel guilty about having fun with their friends.
Showing your own grief in an open and honest way e.g. it's ok to cry in front of children and have conversations about missing your loved one.
When a child or young person is present at the scene
When a child or young person is present at the scene
There can be occasions where children or young people are present at the scene and are exposed to a distressing or frightening event. Even when not directly present they can be frightened and disturbed.
You can help children in this situation by:
Reassuring them that feeling anxious, scared or upset for a while is ok and to be expected.
Making them feel safe.
Maintaining routines.
Encouraging them to talk about or draw the event to help them make sense of it.
Accepting and supporting play when children want to act out the event. This is not unusual and can help them process what has happened.
The Child Bereavement UK video highlights some advice for supporting a child or young person following a frightening event.
Traumatic bereavement
Traumatic bereavement
What is traumatic bereavement?
What is traumatic bereavement?
Whether a bereavement is defined as traumatic depends on how the child or young person experiences or understands the death of their loved one.
Children and young people can experience traumatic bereavement at any age and any type of death can result in this response. Those who have been traumatically bereaved experience significant distress and difficulty that goes beyond a more usual response to death.
The trauma interferes with the typical grieving process and negatively affects the child or young person's ability to process the loss of their loved one.
Supporting a child or young person through traumatic bereavement at school
Supporting a child or young person through traumatic bereavement at school
The UK Trauma Council have developed free, evidence-based resources to support schools, colleges and practitioners working with traumatically bereaved young people, including this short animation introducing traumatic bereavement in the school environment.
This webpage features an animation from “Childhood Trauma and the Brain” by the UK Trauma Council licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0
References
References
Child Bereavement UK - How children & young people may feel and react following a frightening event - https://www.childbereavementuk.org/Handlers/Download.ashx?IDMF=7e8348b8-b31f-447f-afcd-b2cc03f05fb9
Cruse Bereavement - Support with Traumatic Loss - https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement
SeeSaw - Help for families - Supporting bereaved children after a sudden death | SeeSaw
UK Trauma Council - Traumatic Bereavement - What is Traumatic Bereavement? | UKTC (uktraumacouncil.org)
Traumatic bereavement for school & college communities Traumatic bereavement for school & college communities - UKTC (uktraumacouncil.org)
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