Common reSPONSES to bereavement and loss
Different behaviours can present following bereavement and loss. It is important to note that children’s responses are individual to them and vary according their age, developmental stage and experiences, taking into account any religious beliefs.
Grief and pain are normal and cannot be avoided. Working with the pain of grief helps children find a new ‘normal’.
The following lists are not exhaustive but illustrative of common reactions:
Feelings
Bereavement and loss can generate many feelings:
Upset, sad depressed, guilty, helpless, confused, angry, irritable, afraid, vulnerable, anxious, frustrated, lonely, over-whelmed, desperate, or bitter.
Children and young people can move through many emotions very quickly.
Thoughts
Intrusive thoughts that can be triggered at any time and impair concentration and decision making, seeing images of the dead person, idealising the dead person, imagining the dead person is alive, wanting to die, concern that others may fall ill and die, concern that they have the same symptoms/illness as the person that died.
Behaviours
Difficulties separating from significant others (this can be within the home or when going to bed), difficulty relaxing, difficulty talking about what has happened and expression manifesting through behaviour, denial – showing little emotion, anxiety, heightened sensitivity, mood swings, changes in peer relationships, crying, regressive behaviours (bed-wetting, talking like a younger child), taking on a more adult role, asking questions, memories appearing in drawings and notes, role playing death with toys, yearning for the deceased person’s presence.
As with feelings children can yo-yo from very distressed behaviours to seemingly okay (see Dual Process Model of Bereavement on this page for more information)
Physical responses
Changes in eating habits (decrease/increase in food intake). Sleep disturbance (not wanting to go to sleep, difficulties falling asleep, waking through the night, nightmares). Illness, real and psychosomatic, can be part of experiencing emotional trauma. It can be brought about by eating too much/too little or not getting enough sleep.
Children can have physical symptoms to parallel the emotional pain e.g. headaches, feeling sick, trembling, palpitations, dry mouth, needing the toilet frequently, diarrhoea, tired, weak muscles, flu like symptoms, skin tightness (forehead/chest/throat), sensitivity to light & sound, breathlessness.
Factors likely to influence how a child or young person reacts
The circumstances of the loss
The relationship with the person who has died
Individual traits and characteristics of the child or young person
The developmental stage of the child or young person
Family circumstances
The rituals around the death
Previous experience of loss and death
The reactions of the adults around them, including the way emotions are responded to e.g. openly, hidden
The way the death is spoken about
Where a parent has died and one remains; ability of the remaining parent to function
Support from peers and others outside the family
Subsequent changes in the child’s life
Transitions
Feelings of grief may affect a child differently over time and children may grieve in cycles rather than all at once.
It is essential that this is considered at times of transition.
People who are bereaved as children may revisit their grief at significant milestones such as starting a new school, going to university, starting a job, getting married or having children of their own.
