Problems with housemates
Concerns about housemates
If you are concerned for the safety or welfare of a housemate, please take a look at our Wellbeing pages, which have practical advice on such situations:
https://www.brookes.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/concerned-about-someone/
If you feel that their behaviour is likely to cause danger to you or the property, please get in touch with us to tell us about it.
What we can do, what we can't do
We need to be careful not to micromanage our students. We can and should get involved where there are breaches of conduct, tenancy or safety rules, but experience has shown us that intervening beyond a fairly strict remit can often cause more harm than good.
We appreciate that interpersonal conflict causes a lot of stress within a household, but please consider that unless there are clear breaches that we can take action on, our involvement is often only going to entrench problems.
If you feel there are breaches that we should take action, please let us know.
Keeping things in perspective, and appreciating other's perspective
Living in close proximity day in, day out, with people you maybe did not know well before moving in together, with the added pressure of life, studies, work and so on is a recipe for tension. Irritations, of whatever scale, repeated within a small space become big issues- like getting a piece of grit in your shoe.
This is not to minimise any issues that you have been experiencing- the point is that it can be easy to let things get on top of you and grow to dominate your world, when in terms of your wider life, they maybe should not really be playing such a dominant large part. Similarly, you should understand that your actions, which may seem small and inconsequential to you, could be having a significant impact on those you live with and you sensitivities will not necessarily be the same as theirs.
So when you finally lose your temper with someone over their irritating habit, remember that they have not been party to the thought processes that led you to it. To them, they have just walked into the final act of your personal narrative and you come across as unreasonable.
Communicating
We find that when there is disharmony within households, it is often down to communication issues.
In a large number of cases, the methods used have exacerbated the situation: communicating on social media or other form of text rather than verbally, face to face, seems to be an invitation for people to get into disagreements. Often innocent messages will be interpreted as malicious, or people will write things they would not say to someone in person.
The 7-38-55 Rule: this is the theory of psychologist Albert Mehrabian, who asserted that our liking for someone is only partly accounted for by the words used.
Take a positive approach, not a negative approach
When we try to mediate disputes, we generally find that one or both parties feel wronged for past behaviours. This leads often to the sense that what they are really looking for from mediation is not so much making things manageable for the future, but some kind of vindication, apology or even revenge for past wrongs. This is natural to human nature, but in the context of trying to resolve difficulties it is the negative approach to take that ultimately stops problems being resolved. This is because what is also natural to human nature is to justify and excuse our own behaviours, whilst being highly critical of the behaviours of others- this leads to a cycle of conflict.
Taking a positive approach- drawing a line behind past problems and looking for ways to positively move on in the future- is the only way to resolve things and break the cycle. This is as true in household disputes as it is in international diplomacy.
Practical problems, practical solutions
The way to get around practical issues is to negotiate some ground rules between all parties and stick to the agreement. This may be in the form or a list that you can put on the wall and/ or a rota for certain jobs, like taking out the rubbish. This will often help everyone have an understanding of expectations and avoid frustrated expectations.
A rota is often helpful. Below is an example that you may want to adapt (link- on Google Sheets, click File, then Make a copy. You will then have your own copy that you can edit as you see fit).
