punsfive
PUNS FIVE
Pun dreads of jokes
41. As the animals left the ark, Noah spoke to each pair in turn: “Go thee forth and multiply!”
Two snakes disembarked. “Go thee forth and multiply,” they were commanded.
“We can't. We're adders.”
“Sit on that bench and I'll come to you when I've despatched the other animals.”
When Noah caught up with them, they were surrounded by baby snakes.
“I thought you couldn't multiply?”
“Yes. But these benches are log tables.”
42. How do you know when your shoes are on their last legs?
When they're past heeling or when their soles have departed.
43. Did you hear of the Dutchman who designed the blow up shoe? He popped his clogs.
44. Although I don't usually do drugs, I was tempted when I was offered some new, unusual ecstasy. Just then the police raided. I looked out of the window. It was too far to jump but I didn't want to be caught in possession so I threw the tablet out. Just as I was letting go of it, I'm sure I heard it sing out: “It's a long way to tip a rare E!”
45. The receptionist at my dentist's always uses a ball point pen to write up appointments. What you might call an in-biro dental list.
46. The chief of the small African tribe always welcomed important visitors from his solid wooden throne. However, he never liked using the same one twice so had a new one made for each occasion.
Because they were too good to be thrown away, his servants stored the old ones in the loft of his hut. But there was a calamity.
One day the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the chief was killed. Which just goes to show: “People who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.”
47. The Rover's Return had a dog's tail in a frame on the wall. I asked the landlord the story of the pub's name and why this artefact.
Rover had been the pub dog and was tragically killed on the road. They rescued the tail as a memento and had it framed. Late one night a doggy apparition appeared wanting his appendage back. “Unfortunately,” said the landlord, “we're not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours.”
48. If everyone in the country painted their cars red, would we have a red car nation?
49. Her telephone number rang a bell.
50. My aunt came to visit. On her head was the most appalling creation that looked like a nest of ostrich feathers. Unfortunately my dog thought it was a plaything and, when she'd taken it off, jumped on it and tore it to shreds.
When I told my friend about it, I was laughing but he said, “That's not a good hattitude.”
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