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Webmaster's Favorite Jokes
A Lesson in Fast Thinking
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
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Are You a Democrat?
The Virginia Lieutenant Governor, a Democrat, speaking at the local high school graduation said that wherever he went he tried to talk people into becoming Democrats. He told of a time when he was speaking at an elementary school and asked a little boy whether he was a Democrat or a Republican.
The boy replied, “Well, my father was a Republican, my grandfather was a Republican, and my great-grandfather was a Republican. So I guess I’m a Republican.
The Lieutenant Governor, not wanting to give up so easily, said, “Suppose your father had been a horse-thief, your grandfather had been a horse-thief, and your great-grandfather had been a horse-thief; what then?
The boy replied, “Well, in that case, I guess I’d be a Democrat.”
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The Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones in the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, makes the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why people always feel smarter after a few beers.
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The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.
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The Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Johnson, do you know me?
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
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Texas Logic
Jim and Bob, both Texas cowboys, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, Bob, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Because you own a weed eater, I can logically infer that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I can logically infer that you would also have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I may logically infer that you have a family." "I do have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then I can logically infer that you have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And since you have a wife, then I logically infer that you must be heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then it logically follows that you’re gay."
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The Chili Contest
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Doc, who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE No. 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE No. 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
DOC: Holy smokes, what in the world is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE NO. 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE NO. 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
DOC: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE NO. 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE NO. 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
DOC: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE NO. 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE NO. 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
DOC: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE NO. 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE NO. 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
DOC: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE NO. 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE NO. 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
DOC: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 7: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE NO. 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE NO. 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself.
DOC: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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Descartes
Descartes the philosopher (famous for his “I think; therefore, I am” statement) enters a coffee shop and orders a cup of coffee. The waitress brings him a cup of coffee and asks, “Monsieur, would you like cream with your coffee?”
Descartes replies, “I think not.”—and he suddenly vanishes.
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Mathematicians
Question:
Do you know the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?
Answer:
An introverted mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extroverted mathematician looks at your shoes while talking to you.
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A Biologist, a Physicist, and a Mathematician
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician were sitting in a street café watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. After ten minutes they observe them to reappear with a third person.
The biologist remarked, “They have multiplied.”
The physicist responded, “O, no, you’ve simply made an error in measurement.”
The mathematician concluded triumphantly, “If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again.”
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Let’s Forget What Happened
Our daughter Lisa came down to breakfast in a nasty mood. After lambasting her older sister, Lara, for misplacing something, she took one bite of the English muffin I had toasted and buttered for her and said, “Yuck! This is the worst thing I have ever tasted.”
“Lisa,” I said, “go back upstairs and think about how to behave better and then come back down. We will forget what just happened.”
“That’s stupid,” she muttered as she stomped away angrily. A few minutes later she was back downstairs. As promised, Jane and I greeted her as if the earlier episode had not taken place.
“Humph,” she muttered. “I see somebody took a bite out of my English muffin.”
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Confidential report on candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though he never slept with another man's wife, he did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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The Coroner
As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
"Oh? Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate," the attorney asked with a smirk, "you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
"Let me put it this way," the badgered coroner replied. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But," he added, "I guess he could still be out there practicing law somewhere."
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The Grave
A young man, walking home late one night, decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Suddenly, he fell into a newly dug grave. Several minutes later a drunk strolled through the cemetery and heard a voice calling from below, “I’m freezing down here.”
The drunk walked over to the new grave, peered over the edge and said, “No wonder, you kicked all your dirt off.”
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The Juror
A woman claimed she couldn’t serve on the jury because she didn’t believe in capital punishment.
“That doesn’t matter,” said the judge. “In this trial, a woman is suing her husband because he got into a poker game and lost $700 that had been saved toward a fur coat for her birthday.”
“In that case I’ll be able to serve,” the prospective juror said, “And I may be wrong about capital punishment.”
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The Lost Hat
A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he begins.
“Go ahead, my son,” the priest says.
“Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one. But then I heard your sermon and changed my mind.”
“That’s great,” the priest replies. “Thou shalt not steal is a powerful commandment.”
“True,” the man says, “but it was when you said, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ that I remembered where I left my hat.”
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The Pharmacist
A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic.
“What do you want that for?” the pharmacist asks.
“I want to kill my husband,” she replies. “He’s having an affair with another woman.”
“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill your husband,” says the pharmacist, “even if he’s cheating.”
The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist turns pale and replies, “O, I didn’t realize you had a prescription
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Lady Astor & Sir Winston Churchill
Sir Winston Churchill and Lady Astor differed on many things. One time in exasperation Lady Astor told Churchill, “If you were my husband I would feed you poison.”
Churchill responded, “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
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George Bernard Shaw & Sir Winston Churchill
Playwright George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill a note inviting him to the first-night performance of Saint Joan. He enclosed two tickets, “One for yourself and one for a friend—if you have one.”
Expressing his regret at being unable to attend, Churchill replied, asking if it would be possible to have tickets for the second night—“if there is one.”
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The Thermos
A Texan was shopping at Wal-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow,” that’s amazing! I’m going to buy it!” he said. So he bought the thermos
and took it to work the next day.
As he was having lunch one of his co-workers was it and asked, “What’s that?”
“Why, that’s a thermos! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” he replied.
The co-worker replied, “Wow, that’s amazing. What do you have in it?”
He replied, “A cup of coffee and two glasses of iced tea.”
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The Funeral
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early, but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years, and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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Horseback Ride in the Grand Canyon
There is a place near the Grand Canyon where horseback rides are given down into the canyon. One particular day a number of people were standing around watching the guide get ready for a morning ride. He still had a few open spaces for the morning tour so he began to speak to the people gathered there apparently not yet committed to the ride.
He said, “We’ve got a horse that is perfect for every person and disposition.” He went on to add, “We’ve got skinny horses for skinny people.” “We’ve got fat horses for fat people.” “And for those of you who’ve never ridden a horse, well, we’ve got horses that have never been ridden.”
~~~~~~~~~~ End: Humor & Fun Things ~~~~~~~~~~