1. Actively listen. Make eye contact and stay focused.
2. Be mindful of your verbal and nonverbal reactions in order to avoid invalidation (e.g., rolling eyes, sucking teeth, heavy sighing, walking away, making light of serious things, or saying, for example, “That’s stupid, don’t be sad,” “I don’t care what you say,” “Whatever!”).
3. Observe what the other person is feeling in the moment. Look for a word that describes the feeling.
4. Reflect the feeling back without judgment. The goal is to communicate that you understand how the other person feels (e.g., “It makes sense that you’re angry”; “I understand that you are having a tough time right now”). For self-validation: “I have a right to feel sad.” Avoid “Yes, but . . .” thinking. Instead, think about what your best friend in Wise Mind would say to you.
5. Show tolerance! Look for how the feelings, thoughts, or actions make sense given the other’s (or your own) history and current situation, even if you don’t approve of the behavior, emotion, or action itself.
6. Respond in a way that shows that you are taking the person seriously (with or without words); for example, “That sounds awful.” If someone is crying, give a tissue or a hug. You may ask, “What do you need right now? For me to just listen or to help you problem-solve?”
Reference: From DBT® Skills Manual for Adolescents, by Jill H. Rathus and Alec L. Miller. Copyright 2015 by The Guilford Press.