Parents

This page includes the following

• Parents

  • Coming Out (Or Not)

  • Backup Planning

  • Additional Resources for Parents

Intro

Some trans people will figure out their identity/decide to come out to their parents during college. It’s hard to give general advice about coming out to your parent(s) because every family situation is different, but this section will try to give some general advice and resources for this process. 

Coming Out (or Not)

A lot of people want their parents to know they are trans/nonbinary and want to come out to them. That said, if you don’t want to or don’t feel safe doing so, that is entirely valid. Your safety is the most important thing, and if not coming out yet is going to keep you safe, that’s ok. Parents can have an incredibly variable response to their children being trans. They can be supportive but misguided, informed but dismissive, or totally normal. 

That said, here are some resources that address coming out to parents:

• See Basics at the beginning of this guide

• Coming out masterpost

• Writing a letter

• Basics: “Explaining genderqueer to those who are not”

• Resources for coming out to Spanish-speaking parents

• Letter from a parent to parents

Back-Up Planning

There is a vast spectrum of responses that parents may have to their child coming out and, unfortunately, one of those may be financial manipulation. First of all, make sure you are taking care of yourself during this process (see the Self-care section of this guide for some resources).

• Tuition: Threatening not to pay tuition is a main way parents try to control trans students in college. A few things to know: once tuition is paid for the year, only students can withdraw/request a refund for that tuition, and refunds will be returned to the student. In addition, it may be possible for students whose parents have disowned them to file as independent from their parents for Financial Aid. Historically, though, Yale has made this process difficult even for those who meet the standards listed above. Students concerned with losing financial support from their guardians or who anticipate their financial support changing should visit with staff at Financial Aid (246 Church Street) and are encouraged to do so as soon as possible.

• Privacy: Under HIPAA and FERPA, parents should not be able to access health and other personal information about you from medical providers, professors, administrators, etc. unless you sign a release. If you find that there are violations of this at Yale Health, please submit a comment card.

• Resources: If you find yourself in a tough situation, reach out for help. Trans@Yale can provide emotional support, some guidance, and whatever resources we have at our disposal (for example, helping you find a place to stay temporarily). The Yale LGBTQ Center can also provide guidance. Don’t hesitate to ask for help!