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This is a message that one of the contributors to this website has wished to have shared as a resource for parents. His mother wrote this and it is an incredibly uplifting, beautiful, and respectful message that may be valuable for other parents trying to support their child through this process.
I posted this in a support group for parents of transgender teens last night and I am posting it here so it can be shared (if needed) for other parents or people in my situation - and also for anyone who is struggling with accepting our family as it is will be in 2021 and beyond.
I am the mother of a transgender teen. Female to male who is currently on testosterone and will be having top surgery soon.
There is so much I don’t know about all of this but here are a few things that I have learned so far:
I said repeatedly before they were born that “happy and healthy was all that mattered” and I remind myself - regularly - to be true to that bargain with the universe and I genuinely believe it.
I don’t have to completely understand what they feel in order to believe them when they tell me how they feel. They have never been duplicitous or manipulative in the past and deserve the respect to be taken at face value.
I am very aware that my ignorance about medical procedures and the plights of a transgender person could very easily be a roadblock in their journey and I’m extremely conscious and careful to keep fear from dominating the conversation or my approach. My son is now guiding this journey and wants me to go with them. I remind myself that my role here is to love and nurture not block and barricade.
Pretending this will pass, is a choice, or is being “influenced” by others was bartering I did with myself (in the early stages of acceptance) to placate my own fears of the unknown. If that’s in your repertoire - put that down as soon as you can. It was a knee jerk response to a highly emotional and confusing situation - and it is a massive insult to anyone who gets treated that way in almost all situations in life. 100% fail. I don’t recommend it. Spare them - and yourself - as much of that as possible. It will require cleanup.
The sooner they can crack out of the cocoon the sooner I will get to see them fly and feel alive again. I will do whatever it takes to help him open his wings - step 1 for me was to strip away the gender based idea about who my “little girl” was that I manifested in part before they were even born. Just keep the happy and healthy part of the equation.
It helps me to put the preferred pronoun in highly visible places. I called my child she, the girls (there is a sister), and named them after my grandmother that I loved with everything. I had said their name millions of times in their lifetime (and my grandmothers) up to that point. They have had a long time to explore this and come to understand it the scope of it all. It comes at you fast as a parent and understandably the name/ pronoun part is a very tough habit to break. I have had no qualms about both being obvious that I was really working on it, and not pretending I was too good to actually practice (like I always tell them to do when something doesn’t come easy). I wrote “He” on the top of my shoes, in the little space between my thumb and forefinger, on a post it on their door and on my laptop, and on my phone’s Lock Screen I have an image with “his name is Eli” right there and implanting itself with every habitual glance made at the screen. If “she or her” still slips out he absolutely knows it isn’t on purpose. If you’re going to commit - go all in. Half-ass approach’s (under the guise of partial acceptance) will just rightfully annoy as it would you if the roles were reversed. This means everything to them - don’t say you’ll try and not give it even the effort you give a hobby on the weekends.
Allowing my child to surgically alter themselves to be who they are supposed to be has seemed absolutely counterintuitive sometimes and is 100% the most terrifying thing I am facing so far - and I have to remind myself that if they had a heart condition I would be fine with that surgery, and this is their entire identity, obviously it qualifies as something I need to accept. Identity is significantly more important than so many other things I would be totally okay with a doctor “making right” if needed for them to actually be happy and healthy by definition.
My fears, my insecurities about pain, a lack of information, or my past experiences are not bricks my kid should be forced to carry around for me. These are MY burdens to carry and to unload. My love for him lightens that load enough to still hug and support him from behind, instead of standing in the way and pouring my emotions into the middle of the road like rubble, or using a child’s natural desire to be approved of (and loved unconditionally) as a weapon. We are facing this together. We talk about what he is scared of and what I am scared of too but I always preface my contribution with a caveat to make it clear my “issue” isn’t actually their problem or a roadblock I just want them to understand why I still cry sometimes even though I have accepted this and totally support them and the procedures to follow. This has allowed us to comfort each other through a process that we are both facing for the first time, and I appreciate that.
It has been totally okay to sometimes remind him (and myself) that he has had a lot more time to process this but also to not give up on me. I will get there. I’m just a little late to the party.
Lastly - Be truthful, gentle and fearless in this humbling onslaught of life moments. Anytime you are scared, confused, and feeling isolated - know that I (and so many others) am vicariously holding your hand and celebrating your courage to do whatever it takes to love your child unconditionally - so that you can put all of your focus into celebrating your child’s courage to do whatever it takes to be their true self. ️