Who am I?

Ever ask yourself, “Who am I, exactly?” Questions like this are common during the pre-teen, teen and early adult years. Well-known psychologist, Erik Erikson noted that during this period of life, most young people experience confusion related to their identity and roles.

Following are some ways a person may think about identity questions and some suggestions for finding the answers.

Who am I personally?

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

• “I don’t think I’m good at anything”
• “I have no idea what I’m interested in”
• “I have no clue what I should do after high school”

It’s normal to be unsure of your strengths and interests when you’re still developing. Everyone—yes, everyone—has strengths. It just takes time to discover and apply to your strengths to things like extracurricular activities, a college major or a future career.

Either the Strengths Quest or StrengthsFinder tool is a good place to start. It’s a quick and easy evaluation and may be available in your high school or college counseling office. If not, check online.

Who am I socially?

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

• “I just don’t fit in”
• “I don’t know if I have any friends”
• “Nobody seems to like me”
• “How do I connect with my peers?”

Most people feel as if they don’t fit in at some point in their lives. And it’s a common life experience to struggle with friends.

While technology makes it easy to connect with others, connecting face-to-face is better than communicating via text or email. So, the first thing you might want to do is ask a peer to hang out with you, go have lunch or just take a walk. You could also ask a trusted adult about his or her impressions of your interaction with peers and ask for some pointers about how to connect. They will want to help you. Parents, school counselors, favorite teachers and pastors or youth leaders might be good people to ask.

Who am I spiritually?

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

• “I don’t know if there is a god.”
• “What’s the meaning of life?”
• “Where will I go when I die?”

These are common questions for kids and adults. And the answers are complex. It’s fair to say many of us wrestle with these questions much of our lives. It’s actually a sign of health to wonder about “bigger picture” life issues and consider what may exist in the world beyond your consciousness.

Consider reading about various religions and get perspectives from a number of trusted adults. As you listen to their answers, reflect on whether they make sense according to your life experiences. However, keep in mind that your experiences are limited, so be open to hearing the counsel of those who are older and more experienced. Church can also be a great place to explore these questions, so visit several and find one where you feel comfortable.

Who am I sexually?

Between ages 11 and 20, your sexual development is causing rapid changes, physically and emotionally. Along with those changes comes confusion about all the adjustments.

Some changes are obvious—changes in your reproductive organs, body hair and voice. They’re caused by increased hormones and aren’t always easy to see, but you can definitely feel something happening.

It’s these changes that contribute to increased sexual desire. During this time of life, it is not unusual for kids to feel attracted to the opposite sex and sometimes a momentary and transient attraction to the same sex. Talk about confusing! Those conflicting thoughts may lead some to assume they’re homosexual or bisexual. But that may not be the case.

If that describes you, talk to a parent, counselor or trusted adult about what you’re thinking and feeling. It’s much healthier to explore your thoughts and feelings before you act on them. After all, there’s no danger or potential damage in talking about your sexual thoughts and urges, but there could be danger in acting on them.

So discuss your confusing sexual urges first, and save yourself from potential sexually transmitted diseases, unhealthy relationships and lifelong regret. If you’ve already gone down that path, it’s not too late for a conversation with a counselor or trusted adult that can help you clarify your thoughts.

Building your complete identity is a long, thought-provoking process that requires patience, time and clear thinking. But it’s well worth the effort because it will be the foundation from which you’ll make decisions going forward.

It’s not a journey you were meant to walk alone. Be sure to engage intentionally often with adults you admire. Listen and learn and create the best version of you possible.