Helping Kids Cope With Divorce

At the most basic level, kids need to feel safe and secure in their homes. When parents divorce, the family system that served as their security blanket is gone and that often results in kids feeling fearful and anxious.

However, there are many things parents can do to help their child(ren) adjust and continue to have connections with each parent.

Minimize stress

Hostility between parents, loss of social support, multiple losses and minimum contact with a noncustodial parent are likely to increase negative reactions to divorce. Therefore, the more that parents can treat one another civilly and build up supportive relationships between children and their friends and extended family members prior to a divorce, the better.

Furthermore, adjusting to the loss of a marriage in the family is hard enough for kids, so parents should absorb other losses themselves such as the loss of a home, school, network of friends and beloved pets.

Finally, shared custody arrangements should be made (assuming both parents are safe to be around) with the understanding that children do best following a divorce if they are allowed to have unrestricted access to both parents.

Transitional objects

If kids are moving between two homes on a regular basis, it can be helpful to have a transitional object that stays with them, regardless of where they are. It might be a favorite stuffed animal, toy, book or article of clothing. This object will serve to provide the child with some constancy when other parts of life are being disrupted.

Avoid false accusations

Making false accusations against the other parent is a common tactic when parents are trying to get full custody of their child(ren) but that is very damaging in the long run. The truth will be discovered and the parent who lied will likely lose rights to custody. This can temporarily or permanently damage the relationship and trust of the child for both parents.

Listen

Finally, parents need to listen to the concerns expressed by teachers, pastors, and others whom they trust to provide realistic feedback of their child(ren). If changes in academic progress, social relationships, physical or psychological health or behavior are noticed and reported, they should seek help quickly from school personnel, mental health professionals and those in a position to have a positive influence on their child(ren).

In general, early rather than delayed interventions yield quicker improvements . On the other hand, if problems are not addressed, they are likely to get worse and contribute to many other problems.