Deciding Whether or Not to Be a Stay at Home Mom

To stay or not to stay home. What should a mom do? One thing is for certain: life is challenging. That becomes harder when a couple adds a child to their lives, either through birth or adoption. While dad can be the one to stay home, many women are struggling with this question, so it is helpful to consider the pros and cons.

Some mothers do not have a choice of whether to stay home with their child(ren) because of a lack of financial means. On the other hand, in some cases, the cost of child care and its related expenses may make it a better deal, financially, for a mom to stay at home. While the financial situation of a mom or a couple should not be the most important consideration when thinking about being a stay at home mom, it needs to be looked at because staying home is either possible financially or it isn’t.

Once a mother or couple has determined that staying at home is feasible, there is the question of whether or not this arrangement will be right for the family. Here are some of the things to keep in mind when making that decision. Every situation is different so it is important for each mom or couple to weigh the potential benefits against the downsides of being a stay at home mom.

The Potential Benefits of Being a Stay at Home Mom

• Energy level- Babies and young children can be demanding and caring for them is hard work. When mothers are home with their children, they will be tired but they may also be in a better position to rest when their kids are resting than they would be if they were away from home. Moms who work outside of the home often arrive home too tired to focus on their kids’ needs.
• Quality and Quantity of Time- Stay at home moms are also able to respond quickly to needs and celebrate milestones in development such as the first smile, first steps and first words. This resolves the “quality versus quantity time” argument. The truth is, children don’t need one or the other, they need both because their development unfolds at their own pace and on their schedule, not according to when their mother is available to witness new events.
• Healthy attachment is critical for development. It is simply easier to attach to a mom who is present most of the time vs. one who is only able to interact with a child for a couple of hours per day.
• Time and Household Management- Finally, there is time to take care of all of the tasks related to managing a home such as cooking, cleaning, paying bills, running errands and chauffeuring kids to and from activities. Therefore, the family life can be more organized and there is no need to pay someone else for these tasks. There is one word of caution here, however. The mom’s partner should not assume that he doesn’t need to help out at all at home. While moms can handle much of the management of the home, they will still need help from their partners.

Some Potential Downsides of Being a Stay at Home Mom

• Problems related to loss of income- If a mom or couple’s financial situation will allow for a mom to stay at home, the loss of income is still going to put a stress on the family’s current and future finances. The gap in employment needs to be considered too, if there is a plan for mom to go back to work after staying home with her child(ren). She needs to be aware that some employers require evidence of continuous employment to consider someone for a position and that there may be required time and expense to update skills before re-entering the workforce.
• Personal disposition and experience- Some moms recognize that their personal level of anxiety, inexperience with young children or natural temperament will interfere with the quality of life for their children. Sometimes, moms who struggle with anxiety see their anxiety levels increase when they are interacting with their kids for many hours each day and the increased anxiety negatively affects their kids. Additionally, some moms have very little experience with young children and they may not understand, or have tolerance for, the normal behavior of little ones. In this case, having some time away from their kids may help them arrive home ready to enjoy the evening or off time with their children. Furthermore, for whatever reason, some moms know that they tend to have tempers that flare up quickly and have little patience. Kids need caregivers who have even tempered personalities and an abundance of patience.
• Struggles with boredom- Finally, for moms who have had active careers filled with lots of challenges, travel, and regular rewards for their achievements, the routine aspects of life with young children can leave previously highly productive moms feeling bored and unfulfilled. Some moms find that they are able to be more attentive to their children and more energized about interacting with their child(ren) when they have been engaged and productive at work.

What Should You Do?

The decision to stay or not to stay home with young children is a very personal one. Moms or couples who are wrestling with this choice should talk with friends and family members they trust to get their opinions about which decision might be best for them. Then, they should weigh the benefits against the potential downsides and decide what is best for the current and future family.