Coping with Infidelity

Of the many issues that may come between a husband and wife, infidelity is probably the most potentially damaging to a marriage. But the key word there is “potentially” because, despite what most people think, infidelity does not have to ruin a marriage. There are many things that a couple can do to recover after an affair.

Seeking out a qualified and competent counselor is the best option.

The most likely person to have the training and experience to work with a couple coping with infidelity is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). While other mental health professionals may have marriage and family training and experience, an LMFT is best equipped to respond to infidelity. If a LMFT is not available in a given area, a couple should interview other counselors to learn if they have the knowledge and skills to work with a couple coping with marital problems.

The spouse who has had an affair must be willing to end the affair.

It is impossible to work on healing a marriage when an affair is still going on. Obviously, if the spouse refuses to end the relationship, he or she is communicating that the marriage is not worth saving and any other actions would not help.

Both husband and wife need to acknowledge that they were both part of the problem.

They will both need to work together to resolve the problems that led to the affair. This is not the same thing as placing blame on one another and it also does not mean that the affair was justified because of something the other spouse did.

There is no excuse for an extramarital affair because it breaks the commitment to fidelity that is assumed when men and women marry and more importantly, it destroys the trust between a husband and wife. However, people who are satisfied in their marriages, in general, do not have affairs so it is fairly safe to assume that there were some problems in a marital relationship before one partner made a decision to be unfaithful.

The cheating spouse must take full responsibility for his or her decision to pursue an intimate relationship outside of the marriage while the other spouse needs to take an honest look at how his or her words and/or behaviors might have contributed to that decision. Sometimes, that spouse has tolerated too much inappropriate behavior from the unfaithful spouse for too long and has been unwilling or unable to set good boundaries. Or, perhaps he or she was verbally or physically abusive. Maybe, for whatever reason, that spouse intentionally withheld, or was physically or emotionally incapable of, having a sexual relationship.

Once again, none of these reasons provide an excuse for infidelity. They do, however, contribute to the unfaithful spouse considering an affair as a way to cope with the marital problems.

Sometimes, a period of separation is necessary.

This is in order for the husband and wife to create some time and space for healing. However, there are rules for a separation:

• It should be set up and structured by a LMFT or other trained counselor.
• Both parties must agree not to pursue other intimate relationships outside of the marriage during the period of separation.
• The couple should continue to attend counseling during the period of separation.
• If the couple has children, they should continue to be involved with, and nurture their relationships with, their kids.
• Both husband and wife should maintain relationships with friends who are emotionally supportive of them and of their work to heal the marriage. This is not the time for friends to encourage divorce. Even if that is the final decision, it needs to be made with the help of an impartial professional who has the advantage of hearing from both the husband and wife at the same time and can help them make a choice that is in the best interest of the couple and the family.

There is hope for couples coping with infidelity. The above suggestions can be a means of healing from this marital crisis. Often couples find better ways of communicating, and interacting with, one another. While it may be painful, getting help and working through the destructive patterns and underlying issues that led to an affair can actually make a marriage stronger.