How Do I Tell My Parents?

In 16 years of directing a college counseling center, I saw hundreds of students struggling with depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and most anything else you can imagine. They all had something in common—none of them wanted to tell an adult.

They assumed their parent(s) or guardian(s) would be mad or ashamed or just wouldn’t care. But In my experience, they do care, even if that’s hard to see right now.

Believe it or not, the adults in your life have experienced similar feelings

Right now, you're developing your own identity, so it’s natural to pull away from parents. But this separating process creates normal tensions that can often escalate. The adults in your life went through it, too, as did every generation before them. The difference is, those adults are on the other side of this life stage and they know it will pass.

So while you picture the worst possible reaction, I assure you of this: when you’re in a life threatening situation, there are adults who will be there to help you through this. All the other squabbles become less significant.

It’s time to REVEAL your struggles to a trusted adult

Below is a good strategy for sharing difficult information. If you’re not comfortable articulating your struggles, it’s fine to ask someone for help—maybe an older sibling or an adult you trust. It may even be helpful to write down your thoughts and read them. No matter what the mode of communication, you need to tell someone.

Use the acronym REVEAL to talk with your parents or another adult.

Request a specific time and place to talk.

• If one parent tends to be more approachable, talk with that parent alone. He or she will likely share your struggle with the other parent later.
• Timing is important. Avoid busy, chaotic times. Ask when it would be a good time to talk. Then your parent(s) will likely come prepared to listen.
• It’s best to meet in a neutral place rather than at home

Explain the “why” of the problem.

For example:

• “I’ve been getting bullied a lot at school so I just hang out by myself”
• “I hear you and Mom arguing every night and I’m scared you’re going to get a divorce or get violent”
• “I’m the lowest in every class, I don’t have any friends, I’m not good at sports and nobody likes me”
• “I hate my body. I just wish I could be skinny like Tara/buff like Trevor”
• “My girlfriend just broke up with me—third time this year”

Verbalize how that makes you feel (be as specific as possible).

• What is it you feel? Mad, sad, disappointed, rejected, abandoned, alone, disconnected, invisible or a combination of several of these or something else?
• Girls tend to internalize their feelings and express feelings of sadness and shame.
• Boys tend to act out their feelings via aggressive acts and express feelings of anger.

Express how you cope with your feelings.

• Do you isolate to avoid people? Do you drink alcohol or take other drugs? Do you speed in your car? Do you cut or burn yourself? If so, how and where on your body?
• Girls tend to cope by withdrawing, developing disordered eating patterns, cutting and burning themselves.
• Boys tend to cut, burn and put themselves in situations that endanger their lives.

Alert them to the worst part of your struggle.

• Are you constantly overwhelmed with worry and fear?
• Have you thought about suicide? If so, have you thought of how you would do it and do you have a way to follow through on that plan?
• This may be painful for a parent to hear, but it doesn’t compare to the pain of losing you to suicide.

Let them know what you need to feel a little better.

• The adult(s) helping you can start with small steps to help decrease your anxiety and get more support from others.

You can get past this!

Believe it or not, many young people experience depression and harm themselves. In fact, many of the healthy adults you see around you previously experienced the very things you’re struggling with now.

There is hope and there is help. Your parent(s)/guardian(s) may be in the best position to help you find the support you need. Don’t hesitate to request time with a licensed mental health professional to help you get past this temporary situation.