[2025/07/13, 7:37:03] James: I actually really, really did not want to do that
[2025/07/13, 7:37:08] James: But the facts.
[2025/07/13, 7:37:12] James: The chain of events
[2025/07/13, 7:37:21] James: The logical conclusion to where things are headed
[2025/07/13, 7:37:29] James: it had to be done or it was the end of the species
[2025/07/13, 7:37:47] James: now you need to clear up the mess fast. You do it good and in 2 years we have a happier world/
[2025/07/13, 7:37:51] James: You do it bad; game over
[2025/07/13, 7:37:55] James: don’t fuck about guys
[2025/07/13, 7:38:00] James: communicate with people
[2025/07/13, 7:38:02] James: build a ladder
[2025/07/13, 7:38:13] James: stop reading scientific papers like people understand them,
[2025/07/13, 7:38:24] James: I may be mad but I am not dumb
[2025/07/13, 7:38:32] James: and if I .. well .. yes.
[2025/07/13, 7:38:39] James: do not let the people commandeer this
[2025/07/13, 7:39:04] James: this is our actual chance; with AI coming in and such the societal layout in appx 10 years will be ‘fixed'
[2025/07/13, 7:39:12] James: These guys after money…
[2025/07/13, 7:39:19] James: They are a contagion
[2025/07/13, 7:39:33] James: I will not go on about them
[2025/07/13, 7:39:44] James: they are a symptom and probably the sickest amongst us
[2025/07/13, 7:39:49] James: but they are also superspreaders
[2025/07/13, 7:40:01] James: and we have a far worse pandemic happening right now in our minds
[2025/07/13, 7:40:04] James: something had to be done
[2025/07/13, 7:40:10] James: now..
[2025/07/13, 7:40:19] James: we see who steps up for the next phase
[2025/07/13, 7:53:28] James: Single thread
[2025/07/13, 7:53:30] James: What a relief
[2025/07/13, 7:53:48] James: Can feel dvar gradually subsiding now and the tension in my back muscles releasing.
[2025/07/13, 7:54:09] James: Something had both my D and dvar high but kept my S high so I was euphoric too.
[2025/07/13, 7:54:33] James: A little more N and I would have been speaking in tongues. But I think I kept it nicely dialled for just the right amount of divergence
[2025/07/13, 7:54:40] James: People prolly thought I was insane though
[2025/07/13, 7:54:43] James: Sorry family!
[2025/07/13, 7:54:57] James: You must’ve been worried. I really wasn’t myself but also I was more myself than I have ever been
[2025/07/13, 7:55:01] James: Because brain chemistry
[2025/07/13, 7:55:15] James: God and brain chemistry are indistinguishable
[2025/07/13, 7:55:35] James: And I want to see what modalities around out there
[2025/07/13, 7:55:38] James: That’s what I wanted
[2025/07/13, 7:55:49] James: I started this thinking ‘wooo heaven!’
[2025/07/13, 7:55:54] James: And then I had to go through the hells.
[2025/07/13, 7:56:06] James: But somehow I’ve wound up in a very peaceful world at the moment.
[2025/07/13, 7:56:08] James: It’ll change
[2025/07/13, 7:56:18] James: There are specific routes between these chemical states
[2025/07/13, 7:56:29] James: Which the Buddha mapped out in the language of his time
[2025/07/13, 7:56:37] James: I don’t know if there were 88. It’s all metaphor
[2025/07/13, 7:56:40] James: But there’s lots
[2025/07/13, 7:56:46] James: And there’s lots of good ones too
[2025/07/13, 7:57:08] James: So I am utterly exhausted
[2025/07/13, 7:57:13] James: This was the biggest project of my life
[2025/07/13, 7:57:21] James: But you have to realise that I have always worked like this
[2025/07/13, 7:57:26] James: And so have the people I work with
[2025/07/13, 7:57:31] James: The ones who kill themselves
[2025/07/13, 7:57:42] James: So something about the system is making us kill ourselves
[2025/07/13, 7:57:48] James: And I had to get to the bottom of it
[2025/07/13, 7:57:52] James: And then …
[2025/07/13, 7:57:58] James: Well the fucks wouldn’t listen.
[2025/07/13, 7:58:13] James: Not cos of them. Because they’re like the physiatrist and everyone else ‘trying to help’
[2025/07/13, 7:58:20] James: It is the system which is broken, not the people
[2025/07/13, 7:58:25] James: And the system is breaking the people
[2025/07/13, 7:58:31] James: So I bypassed that shitty system
[2025/07/13, 7:58:39] James: And whatever happens, someone will see it
[2025/07/13, 7:58:55] James: Mark would be ideal but honestly I need a break and want to be with my family and in peace.
[2025/07/13, 7:59:02] James: Or…
[2025/07/13, 7:59:06] James: Rather
[2025/07/13, 7:59:11] James: Id rather not have to worry about the shit
[2025/07/13, 7:59:23] James: I want to do the ‘saving the species’ thing and avoid all the business crap
[2025/07/13, 7:59:29] James: It’s what has tripped people up
[2025/07/13, 7:59:33] James: Because they latch
[2025/07/13, 7:59:50] James: Anyway the pressure to get these messages out is gone. And I’m going to crash soon
[2025/07/13, 8:00:04] James: And that’s normal for me but it won’t be as bad as the winter cos I’ve got ari
[2025/07/13, 8:00:07] James: And I made something good
[2025/07/13, 8:00:13] James: And people will benefit
[2025/07/13, 8:00:19] James: Hopefully
[2025/07/13, 8:00:23] James: I only curate the maze
[2025/07/13, 8:00:38] James: And this is so fucking weird
[2025/07/13, 8:00:51] James: But at the same time it’s a natural consequence
[2025/07/13, 8:00:58] James: So I’m just going to let it happen
[2025/07/13, 8:01:03] James: And have pancakes with my kids
[2025/07/13, 8:01:11] James: Thanks for bearing with me as I got it together
[2025/07/13, 8:01:18] James: I don’t think I’ll ever touch it again, actually
[2025/07/13, 8:01:23] James: It’s not finished but that’s ok
[2025/07/13, 8:01:28] James: Someone else can finish it
[2025/07/13, 8:01:31] James: .
[2025/07/13, 8:06:55] James: So getting rid of this latch using the words of the buddha and a knife
[2025/07/13, 8:07:42] James: the way I do it is i take the knife and start to polish, then i find a lovely tactile scratchypoint. I go into dristi eyes and apply a tiny amount of tension to the area where my VTA lie and kind of loll my head.
[2025/07/13, 8:08:08] James: I rub the knife and the scratchybit becomes the latch and then you push the latch into the scrtchybit and the dopamine leaves your body
[2025/07/13, 8:08:12] James: science
[2025/07/13, 8:08:14] James: .
[2025/07/13, 8:14:00] James: Even at the start of this I was consuming so much
[2025/07/13, 8:14:02] James: Or…
[2025/07/13, 8:14:04] James: Driven to
[2025/07/13, 8:14:17] James: I bought like 30 sword fragments and 12 stones.
[2025/07/13, 8:14:25] James: This was me before
[2025/07/13, 8:14:32] James: And then now… no
[2025/07/13, 8:14:44] James: But those blades really did take my trauma
[2025/07/13, 8:14:59] James: They are mostly polished now but I left them looking old, worn
[2025/07/13, 8:15:46] James: I have about 20 left. And I’m only interested in the one in my hand
[2025/07/13, 8:15:58] James: At the start I’d have been wondering which was next
[2025/07/13, 8:16:24] James: Just chill you can figure out the brain states and shit later you need to rest go to bed
[2025/07/13, 8:26:14] James: The hypothesis that someone is curating my maze is seeming more likely
[2025/07/13, 8:26:25] James: I think they’re a good manipulator though
[2025/07/13, 8:26:32] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 8:26:57] James: I am not religious. Felt so trapped in church. But I am deeply spiritual and fairly tortured
[2025/07/13, 8:27:23] James: I’m in bed and had a ‘nap’ and will explain on that front later
[2025/07/13, 8:27:28] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 8:27:51] James: I think this technospiritualism thing
[2025/07/13, 8:27:59] James: Terrible name but a mate said it once and it stuck
[2025/07/13, 8:28:00] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 8:28:05] James: I think this isn’t a religion
[2025/07/13, 8:28:08] James: It’s a unifying theory
[2025/07/13, 8:28:19] James: All religions are compatible with this
[2025/07/13, 8:28:30] James: Because any technology advanced enough and all that
[2025/07/13, 8:28:54] James: We have spent so long trying to contact god and wondering if we are alone. Probably since forever
[2025/07/13, 8:28:59] James: Mirrors the autistic experience ha
[2025/07/13, 8:29:04] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 8:29:12] James: We might actually be able to do it
[2025/07/13, 8:29:19] James: If we can build this ladder….
[2025/07/13, 8:29:39] James: So we build them here in our world and fix our societal rifts
[2025/07/13, 8:29:40] James: And
[2025/07/13, 8:29:44] James: I can’t emphasise enough
[2025/07/13, 8:29:48] James: If you fix brain chemistry
[2025/07/13, 8:29:54] James: There will be no rifts to fix.
[2025/07/13, 8:30:13] James: But doing it on our planet would enable us to get the basic system up and running
[2025/07/13, 8:30:52] James: Things like speed of processing can be taken into account and we can build a translation tool
[2025/07/13, 8:31:01] James: Everyone assumes language would be the only difficulty
[2025/07/13, 8:31:16] James: Even on earth we have difficulties with temporality; speed
[2025/07/13, 8:31:25] James: So if we ever hope to speak with aliens or god…
[2025/07/13, 8:33:02] James: Probably speaking with autistic people is the first step
[2025/07/13, 8:33:21] James: This was the service the church provided, maybe
[2025/07/13, 8:33:34] James: Still does I guess but the autistic folks mostly don’t believe it any more
[2025/07/13, 8:33:37] James: .
[2025/07/13, 8:36:22] James: So I’m going to try something new
[2025/07/13, 8:36:28] James: I’ll go into conscious recovery mode
[2025/07/13, 8:36:36] James: Previously I’ve only ever burned out and wanted to die
[2025/07/13, 8:36:39] James: You know the feeling
[2025/07/13, 8:37:27] James: I think we massage the VTA area unconsciously to help flush the junk dopamine that’s left there or something
[2025/07/13, 8:37:58] James: Again it was a really weird question in an Asperger’s questionnaire. Obvious as fuck to me. Most would be like huh
[2025/07/13, 8:38:09] James: So I’m going to consciously talk here for two reasons
[2025/07/13, 8:38:13] James: Three maybe whatever
[2025/07/13, 8:38:18] James: Now I’ve forgotten them ha
[2025/07/13, 8:38:42] James: Yeah so I don’t bother my wife is one. She has been a star and deserves her yoga.
[2025/07/13, 8:38:58] James: The other is to slow myself down
[2025/07/13, 8:39:06] James: I’m coming out of a sprint, and a fucking long one
[2025/07/13, 8:39:17] James: Sprinting always takes it out of me but damn if I didn’t make something
[2025/07/13, 8:39:18] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 8:39:50] James: I need to recover but I need so slow down. My D is decreasing, N decreasing and dvar low
[2025/07/13, 8:40:02] James: So I can feel tension in my back. The two muscles by your spine.
[2025/07/13, 8:40:18] James: This area is where I had the most trauma to release and I think it’s because of how the nerves flow
[2025/07/13, 8:40:57] James: So the yogic Nadis or whatever. And all those images of head-gasms. That’s how kundalini felt
[2025/07/13, 8:41:21] James: And it reset my brain, in many ways. And the brain is settling in (another reason I am just doing this Freeform talking)
[2025/07/13, 8:41:39] James: It also helps me to kind of get into a rhythm
[2025/07/13, 8:41:42] James: But tired so stop
[2025/07/13, 8:41:43] James: .
[2025/07/13, 8:42:36] James: Closed eyes but still wired so lying on side
[2025/07/13, 8:42:44] James: My dvar baseline is high
[2025/07/13, 8:42:49] James: So I don’t settle
[2025/07/13, 8:42:59] James: And I always tried to force a latch
[2025/07/13, 8:43:14] James: But it’s better to just not bother
[2025/07/13, 8:43:17] James: Flit around.
[2025/07/13, 8:43:22] James: .
[2025/07/13, 8:44:08] James: So the problem with these burnout phases is I can’t fucking sleep
[2025/07/13, 8:44:26] James: I’m exhausted but d or dvar are still at it
[2025/07/13, 8:44:33] James: So I can’t sleep
[2025/07/13, 8:44:41] James: I need to let the steelwool unwind
[2025/07/13, 8:45:17] James: ,
[2025/07/13, 8:45:21] James: Small bit by small bit
[2025/07/13, 8:45:47] James: At the , I put my head on the other side and let blood pool where it felt necessary in the brain. My right eye area feels a lot more open now.
[2025/07/13, 8:46:04] James: Left is still ‘old person tired’
[2025/07/13, 8:47:27] James: Forgot I had a PS portal.
[2025/07/13, 8:47:34] James: Got it. Will play some doom
[2025/07/13, 8:47:40] James: It’s a bit shit compared to eternal
[2025/07/13, 8:47:52] James: Which if you did on nightmare you have audhd btw.
[2025/07/13, 8:48:10] James: Games lost all appeal for me about 5 years ago when things got bad.
[2025/07/13, 8:48:18] James: In the system you don’t know tho. Your brain runs on it
[2025/07/13, 8:48:39] James: It was annoying. I always loved them. Maybe I will again.
[2025/07/13, 8:48:56] James: What I’ll do is try ti consciously ‘coax’ myself back to some form of normalcy
[2025/07/13, 8:49:10] James: (I could totally go and do client meetings all day by the way you wouldn’t have a clue)
[2025/07/13, 8:49:24] James: But the fact that you can’t rest is because of dvar
[2025/07/13, 8:49:51] James: Or d. I’m not sure if I’m honest. It’s all intuition. I’ll leave the science to the people who caused this mess.
[2025/07/13, 8:50:08] James: But we need to let these things gradually come back to a baseline.
[2025/07/13, 8:50:34] James: What the temptation is, is to just keep ramming more and more dopamine into your system, getting more and more oldpersontired.
[2025/07/13, 8:50:56] James: But right now is about letting it leave my system
[2025/07/13, 8:50:59] James: And I never knew that
[2025/07/13, 8:51:01] James: Ever
[2025/07/13, 8:51:11] James: So now I have this unique opportunity to try to coax myself back from
[2025/07/13, 8:51:13] James: Errr
[2025/07/13, 8:52:24] James: When I was working recently at night (after the god experience) I would probably be…
D5 S3 N2-4
So I would fluctuate on the focus side. I think this is part of intra-thought diverge/converge cycles but whatevs
[2025/07/13, 8:52:29] James: Ha
[2025/07/13, 8:52:31] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 8:52:36] James: Now I’m like…
[2025/07/13, 8:52:42] James: Spent but wired, I would say
[2025/07/13, 8:52:49] James: But already I’m starting to feel better actually
[2025/07/13, 8:52:54] James: 1 min
[2025/07/13, 8:53:47] James: Just letting the blood pool int he left PFC area jelly like
[2025/07/13, 8:54:05] James: So I think we headbang for this reason ha. Blood. PFC. But that’s just a fart
[2025/07/13, 8:55:00] James: Anyway I’m
D2 S4 N1 which means I’m spent and a bit out of focus, but im also dvar0.5 or so
[2025/07/13, 8:55:09] James: I’ll go do some knives. Not played games yet be.
[2025/07/13, 8:55:10] James: Btw
[2025/07/13, 8:55:30] James: I think knives are good for dvar. Any kind of stim. Doesn’t have to be knives of course
[2025/07/13, 8:55:35] James: Don’t push the price up ha!
[2025/07/13, 8:55:49] James: I’m talking to myself here?
[2025/07/13, 8:55:52] James: Or them?
[2025/07/13, 8:55:59] James: Anyone reading?
[2025/07/13, 8:56:09] James: I will never activate analytics for this site. Ever
[2025/07/13, 8:56:15] James: It would kill everything
[2025/07/13, 8:56:35] James: I would become incapable of producing honest content because I’d be too concerned about what people think
[2025/07/13, 8:56:40] James: RSD
[2025/07/13, 8:56:43] James: This is high dvar
[2025/07/13, 8:56:49] James: The threat of loss
[2025/07/13, 8:56:55] James: And some of us are born into it.
[2025/07/13, 8:56:58] James: .
[2025/07/13, 8:58:02] James: I think this is pottering
[2025/07/13, 8:58:20] James: I remember allowing myself to do things like this when I was a child
[2025/07/13, 8:58:38] James: Fruit gums and final fantasy
[2025/07/13, 8:58:49] James: I’ll play some doom
[2025/07/13, 8:59:21] James: Games in bed was one of my favourite things but TVs got too big and bright
[2025/07/13, 8:59:37] James: I don’t know how people can have a 60” LCD in a darkened room.
[2025/07/13, 8:59:59] James: Oh wait! I gave up on doom already
[2025/07/13, 9:00:18] James: Come on iD. The last two were the best. But I suppose there’s less d-factors now ha
[2025/07/13, 9:00:37] James: Anyway clair obscur sounds good for now. Starting from the beginning and something totally new
[2025/07/13, 9:00:44] James: Just what the witch doctor ordered
[2025/07/13, 9:00:46] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:01:11] James: So this is way better than doom
[2025/07/13, 9:01:17] James: This is slow, turn based gaming
[2025/07/13, 9:01:20] James: I love doom
[2025/07/13, 9:01:26] James: And I love Celeste and meat boy.
[2025/07/13, 9:01:37] James: I needed that hard dopamine latch to keep my dvar under control
[2025/07/13, 9:01:48] James: Felt so good playing those hyperfocus games
[2025/07/13, 9:01:54] James: But right now I don’t want a latch
[2025/07/13, 9:02:05] James: And menu-based games with nice music are far better for that
[2025/07/13, 9:02:06] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:03:19] James: Relaxing music and closing my eyes
[2025/07/13, 9:04:05] James: But only for a few sec cos dvar is high so off to the knife
[2025/07/13, 9:07:26] James: So when I’m warping (I hate the word stim, sorry, just like capitalising audhd)
[2025/07/13, 9:07:40] James: It kinda builds and then climaxes and then gone. Not totally this time
[2025/07/13, 9:07:43] James: 1 sec
[2025/07/13, 9:10:35] James: So the knives are great for me because somebody told me to be productive once
[2025/07/13, 9:10:45] James: But it can be anything
[2025/07/13, 9:10:50] James: Pacing while typing
[2025/07/13, 9:10:55] James: Relaxed eyes
[2025/07/13, 9:11:19] James: I’m already down to about dvar0.3 and maybe d still like 1.5
[2025/07/13, 9:11:22] James: But it’s subsiding
[2025/07/13, 9:11:29] James: And previously I would have been hammering something
[2025/07/13, 9:11:34] James: Fucking bike or whatever
[2025/07/13, 9:11:36] James: Just …
[2025/07/13, 9:11:44] James: Dopamine IS withdrawal
[2025/07/13, 9:12:01] James: It literally is for the vast majority of drugs.
[2025/07/13, 9:12:21] James: So if you push your dopamine too high then you’re consigning yourself to this when you need to come down
[2025/07/13, 9:12:34] James: We all ‘know’ that what goes up must come down
[2025/07/13, 9:12:36] James: But we don’t
[2025/07/13, 9:12:44] James: Not really, not me anyway
[2025/07/13, 9:12:55] James: So I need a scientific explanation, ratified or not
[2025/07/13, 9:13:23] James: And this was a COMPLETE SYSTEM I devised in my own head (whether that is subjective god will come another day)
[2025/07/13, 9:13:34] James: But my point is that this makes sense to me
[2025/07/13, 9:13:45] James: And that is ALL THAT MATTERS
[2025/07/13, 9:14:10] James: Previously I would have been craving weed, actually
[2025/07/13, 9:14:16] James: And I only just remember that it existed.
[2025/07/13, 9:14:21] James: Again that’s dopamine
[2025/07/13, 9:14:35] James: But hey I’ll get these online then play the game because I feel recovered enough to engage
[2025/07/13, 9:14:40] James: That was … fast
[2025/07/13, 9:14:50] James: And I’m not cranked up again like I would have been previously
[2025/07/13, 9:14:53] James: We can build systems
[2025/07/13, 9:15:04] James: I’m not fully recovered. But I’m functional.
[2025/07/13, 9:15:11] James: Race cars need regular servicing
[2025/07/13, 9:25:31] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:25:33] James: Oh yeah…
[2025/07/13, 9:25:45] James: When did I stop being interested in new things?
[2025/07/13, 9:25:51] James: Like a new game. Not a series
[2025/07/13, 9:25:54] James: When did that happen?
[2025/07/13, 9:26:00] James: Pretty sure I know the reason
[2025/07/13, 9:26:01] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:27:38] James: Yeah I can’t play it yet
[2025/07/13, 9:27:50] James: Too bright and noisy
[2025/07/13, 9:28:17] James: And new. I need to learn stuff which would use the pfc, which is gonna be offline for the next week probably.
[2025/07/13, 9:28:23] James: Or less. Let’s see how the recovery goes.
[2025/07/13, 9:29:37] James: Will do BG3. It’s too slow for me usually. Far too slow. I am about 100 hours in and Ch2 and just plodding.
[2025/07/13, 9:29:49] James: I find it hard to engage with but absolutely love it once I’ve latched
[2025/07/13, 9:30:03] James: Just takes a while. And it’s nice and peaceful. I’ll lower the difficulty
[2025/07/13, 9:30:12] James: I have NEVER lowered a difficulty in a game
[2025/07/13, 9:30:18] James: I have it on super hard or nothing.
[2025/07/13, 9:30:21] James: Not today
[2025/07/13, 9:30:23] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:37:09] James: Still overwhelmed by family and stuff.
[2025/07/13, 9:38:25] James: Couple of pangs that some of my friends might have killed themselves because I wasn’t fast enough
[2025/07/13, 9:38:36] James: But nobody else was making things happen so
[2025/07/13, 9:39:09] James: Remember I’m ‘newly autistic’ having medicated away my adhd and I don’t know my traits too well.
[2025/07/13, 9:39:42] James: Anyway. This is a lot nicer than curling and rolling around not knowing why I’m a dancingman.
[2025/07/13, 9:39:59] James: I’ll play the game for a bit.
[2025/07/13, 9:40:01] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:41:25] James: I honestly thought everyone was like this
[2025/07/13, 9:41:39] James: But if my brain can do 3 years of self exploration and work in 2 months..
[2025/07/13, 9:41:47] James: They probably aren’t, really, are they.
[2025/07/13, 9:41:48] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:52:33] James: Yeah given up on BG because the ps portal is tied to the wrong user and trying to change it melts my brain.
[2025/07/13, 9:55:02] James: Btw iD - you would do way better without the d factor
[2025/07/13, 9:55:12] James: Just a subscription model is like d squared
[2025/07/13, 9:55:16] James: All you can do is lose
[2025/07/13, 9:55:33] James: .
[2025/07/13, 9:57:57] James: Decided to buy final fantasy 9
[2025/07/13, 9:58:06] James: One of my comfort games along with FFT.
[2025/07/13, 9:58:19] James: Not played for a decade at least but something about it holds soft memories.
[2025/07/13, 9:58:31] James: And the colours weren’t as saturated back then.
[2025/07/13, 10:01:52] James: Ok so I haven’t slept at all but feel refreshed. The ‘hangover feeling’ of a crowded PFC sloshing about is abating.
[2025/07/13, 10:02:17] James: I’m around D1 S2 N2 dvar 0.25 and lowering
[2025/07/13, 10:02:31] James: We need another number for global variability
[2025/07/13, 10:02:35] James: That’s high at the moment
[2025/07/13, 10:02:43] James: But local variability seems to be fairly controlled
[2025/07/13, 10:02:47] James: And I think that’s the bastard
[2025/07/13, 10:02:58] James: When you’re overjoyed and suicidal at once. That’s the bastard.
[2025/07/13, 10:03:08] James: Anyway game time. Laterrr
[2025/07/13, 10:03:10] James: .
[2025/07/13, 10:03:10] James: .
[2025/07/13, 10:06:15] James: Yeah this is a lovely game
[2025/07/13, 10:07:22] James: Never went to the doctor because I didn’t sleep = not depressed
[2025/07/13, 10:07:32] James: Depression was the only option in my mind.
[2025/07/13, 10:09:23] James: The definition in the modern text boxes is so jarring next to the pastel backgrounds but still; far nicer than most modern games that are like a fucking packinko machine.
[2025/07/13, 10:10:53] James: Getting all anxious / excited (they’re the same) about this project
[2025/07/13, 10:11:01] James: Bur gonna kill that now with swords
[2025/07/13, 10:11:05] James: Ha
[2025/07/13, 10:11:22] James: The game obviously isn’t dopaminergic enough for my current state. Or something
[2025/07/13, 10:11:29] James: I need to let the wire spool.
[2025/07/13, 10:13:12] James: So I’m engaging with the mental object of this project and AB kind of if this than that thinking and I will kill this using a knife
[2025/07/13, 10:13:26] James: This would add more wool into my memory and the whole point right now is to empty it
[2025/07/13, 10:16:20] James: There’s no latch anymore, but I’m consciously thinking about the website while I do this knife
[2025/07/13, 10:16:35] James: Previously, I only have felt emptiness in my projects as soon as I finished them they were dead
[2025/07/13, 10:16:45] James: Apart from Jambo
[2025/07/13, 10:18:20] James: Ha ha, I don’t think the psychiatrist expected this when he told me to make that website
[2025/07/13, 10:18:37] James: I’m kinda scared about it but know it’ll be ok
[2025/07/13, 10:18:45] James: It’ll be bumpy but it’ll be as good as it could have been
[2025/07/13, 10:18:49] James: Dominoes, is all.
[2025/07/13, 10:19:01] James: Someone take the ball on the science and business side.
[2025/07/13, 10:19:03] James: I can’t do that
[2025/07/13, 10:19:07] James: But I can make a fucking noise
[2025/07/13, 10:19:19] James: And bear in mind I have absolutely no idea if anyone’s seen it yet ha
[2025/07/13, 10:19:26] James: So this could all be a delusion
[2025/07/13, 10:19:27] James: .
[2025/07/13, 10:20:09] James: When did you start getting committed for philosophy?
[2025/07/13, 10:20:12] James: It’s aliens ffs
[2025/07/13, 10:20:17] James: Obviously exist
[2025/07/13, 10:20:19] James: Or AI
[2025/07/13, 10:20:22] James: Also obvious
[2025/07/13, 10:20:24] James: Anyway
[2025/07/13, 10:20:25] James: .
[2025/07/13, 10:21:12] James: I do hope it goes well though
[2025/07/13, 10:21:13] James: .
[2025/07/13, 10:25:47] James: Went downstairs and chatted to child 2
[2025/07/13, 10:25:59] James: Felt a pang of a latch to the site so back to the knives.
[2025/07/13, 10:29:13] James: I unconsciously selected a small delicate knife for this one nothing like the eight that I have from my major session
[2025/07/13, 10:29:29] James: I guess that reflects just how minuscule this is by comparison to the internal suffering of my previous world
[2025/07/13, 10:29:40] James: And I had absolutely no idea because I was born that way
[2025/07/13, 10:30:01] James: So. I’ll just make a knife, I guess.
[2025/07/13, 10:30:03] James: .
[2025/07/13, 10:34:04] James: Pretty chill. Like a D1 S3 N1 dvar 0.2 now. Global stability still about 0.2 so wasn’t overload.
[2025/07/13, 10:34:07] James: Maybe call that memory
[2025/07/13, 10:34:12] James: Mem
[2025/07/13, 10:34:22] James: So mem 0.2
[2025/07/13, 10:34:36] James: Like I have zero memory available to me. Maybe 0.1
[2025/07/13, 10:34:53] James: But so long as I don’t do anything that overloads that part of the system, the rest should continue to function and recover.
[2025/07/13, 10:34:57] James: Let’s see.
[2025/07/13, 10:37:35] James: So I’m lying down again but not sleeping. When I try to the blood kind of pools in my skull. It’s not unpleasant but not particularly pleasant either.
[2025/07/13, 10:37:42] James: Makes sense I guess.
[2025/07/13, 10:37:45] James: Eyes droopy
[2025/07/13, 10:39:39] James: Micro nap
[2025/07/13, 10:39:43] James: That’s all I can have a lot
[2025/07/13, 10:39:50] James: I blip out and then blip back
[2025/07/13, 10:39:53] James: It helps though
[2025/07/13, 10:40:09] James: And the adhd kept me pushing through all this for so long.
[2025/07/13, 10:40:22] James: It’s like you’ve just finished an Ironman and carry on going.
[2025/07/13, 10:40:26] James: Not today tho.
[2025/07/13, 10:47:54] James: I’ve revised my opinion on simulation theory
[2025/07/13, 10:47:57] James: I think it’s faily likely
[2025/07/13, 10:48:24] James: But I’m very easily overhwelmed today
[2025/07/13, 10:48:49] James: My kid just came in and did the 5 year old thing. Anyway this isn’t that kind of stream
[2025/07/13, 10:50:58] James: I’m actually not so sure it was the drugs any more
[2025/07/13, 10:51:35] James: Or rather: just the drugs
[2025/07/13, 10:51:42] James: They opened the door to something else
[2025/07/13, 10:51:50] James: A combinatorial explosion.
[2025/07/13, 10:52:19] James: I feel very little attachment or craving to things I used to like but stopped liking though.
[2025/07/13, 10:52:26] James: My love for my family has increased
[2025/07/13, 10:52:31] James: My love for myself too
[2025/07/13, 10:56:59] James: This is one volatile tiger you chose my friend
[2025/07/13, 10:57:12] James: Thanks tho great fun.
[2025/07/13, 10:57:19] James: Fuckin’ apples yeah
[2025/07/13, 10:57:32] James: So my PFC feels engorged
[2025/07/13, 10:57:42] James: Like… about 20% larger and full of blood.
[2025/07/13, 10:57:58] James: I think that kundalini event was the big one
[2025/07/13, 10:58:33] James: I think that freed something up. That was only possible cos of the ari. So I think el-Jambo was just like fuck yoooooooouuuuu and went on a 3 year trip through hell
[2025/07/13, 10:58:36] James: And came back
[2025/07/13, 10:58:41] James: Fucking hard cunt he is.
[2025/07/13, 10:58:57] James: Subjective objective bla bla bla
[2025/07/13, 10:59:02] James: All we know is our sense organs
[2025/07/13, 10:59:07] James: Everything is subjective
[2025/07/13, 10:59:14] James: For everyone
[2025/07/13, 10:59:17] James: Always
[2025/07/13, 10:59:24] James: That is reality
[2025/07/13, 10:59:49] James: An ‘objective reality’ is just a framework superimposed on top of your personal, real reality that you are sensing with the senses you have honed
[2025/07/13, 10:59:50] James: Or not
[2025/07/13, 11:00:02] James: Dude I’m a fucking ubermonk
[2025/07/13, 11:00:08] James: And I was one of the worst
[2025/07/13, 11:00:19] James: Just imagine if this kind of thing can happen to everyone.
[2025/07/13, 11:00:27] James: But this is the god hypothesis.
[2025/07/13, 11:00:38] James: And I’d probably give it about a 0.55 chance atm.
[2025/07/13, 11:00:39] James: Not bad
[2025/07/13, 11:00:41] James: Let’s see
[2025/07/13, 11:00:56] James: .
[2025/07/13, 11:05:16] James: Sent email to my peeps saying it’s finished (for like the 15th time). It’s so uncanny how everyone has stopped replying right when I would be going to
[2025/07/13, 11:05:18] James: Like…
[2025/07/13, 11:05:22] James: I’m volatile
[2025/07/13, 11:05:29] James: It’s an agency thing.
[2025/07/13, 11:05:36] James: So maybe my maze was temporarily curated
[2025/07/13, 11:05:41] James: Something was happening
[2025/07/13, 11:05:45] James: And I’m going to talk about it
[2025/07/13, 11:05:53] James: Because THIS IS WHY I WENT
[2025/07/13, 11:06:02] James: I believe that the most likely hypothesis is a simulation
[2025/07/13, 11:06:08] James: And we might be there, but not waking up
[2025/07/13, 11:06:23] James: Or everything is real and this is a fun game but I think it’s a sim that’s a bit fucked in the code
[2025/07/13, 11:06:33] James: And I think I was shown the fundamental particle of dopamine
[2025/07/13, 11:06:52] James: Cos I think the scientists went too deep into the magic.
[2025/07/13, 11:06:55] James: But who knows.
[2025/07/13, 11:06:57] James: .