Personal Reflection

I remember that once, I wanted to be good at many things. I remember that once, I aspired to play table tennis. I remember that once, I believed that I was good at art. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t be. It came down to my choices. 

I used to feel dumb, always forgetting how to do 7 times 8 in primary. Always making mistakes. I used to feel out of place, with all other kids in my local school speaking a language that I didn’t understand. Everyone now thinks I was born a math genius. But, I never got first place in my primary school for math, until grade 6. That was my first time ever getting a trophy. My first ever victory in my life. 

I still did terribly. In Cantonese, people would be learning harder words, various idioms, and many sentence structures. In English, I would struggle learning new words, writing cursive, and of course, had problems with my bad handwriting. It was so terrible that even I myself could not understand it. If I remember correctly, there was also no such thing as science back then. Cantonese, English, and Mathematics were the three main subjects. I did enjoy playing Chinese chess with some of the classmates when they did let me play. Supposedly, according to my parents, the only reason they moved me to International School was because of my terrible Chinese score. That choice was what made me lose out on my graduation ceremony, and led to me to move into a new school in Year 7, Semester 3, at Discovery College.

Discovery College was where my mathematical abilities began to slowly but surely shine. I clearly remember one competition, which I believe was in an ESF school, with me and one of my friends participating in it. I think it was a duo competition. I managed to get second place with my teammate, and I am sure he did well, but I definitely helped him a lot more than he helped me. In Discovery College, another thing that I enjoyed was football. I liked being the goalie, although I was terrible at goal kicks. I also scored some goals, so I guess I did have some experience in football, but it was just with my friends, nothing formal. I think I did French as an outside-of-class activity (I don’t remember what people called it in DC), just for fun. Besides getting to learn a new language is never a bad thing, right? I also began to watch Korean videos about French, just basic vocabulary. I also played chess more from then. It was all going quite well, until I decided to move out of Discovery College.

I think the main reason I left DC was because of the fact that people, even my friends, didn’t really feel like my friends anymore, and seemed to be restricting my capabilities. Also, my English didn’t really improve at all, staying at a 4 on an IB scale. I know 4 is relatively high even though it is out of seven, but I wanted a fresh start. Besides, my parents worked in Hong Kong Island, and my mother was working at the Korean International School, which is quite far away from Tung Chung (where we were living.) At FIS, things were quite nice. I liked the fact that the people around me weren’t just ignoring me, despite me not really talking to them. I had a variety of ECAs to participate in, and of course, the JWMC in Melbourne, which allowed me to get Ying as an important friend. Having a person like Ying as a friend was something that I didn’t manage to do in Discovery College. IGCSE was not as easy as I thought it would be, but it worked out fine to lead me to where I am now.

Right now, I guess I am a “math genius”. But now that I think about it, perhaps it was all because of my efforts, and everything that happened in the past was a series of stepping stones for the path that I have now reached. Perhaps, in the past, I didn’t know where I was heading towards with my life. But now, all the efforts I put in, all the choices I made, allow me to be where I am now.

The Creature in My Dreams

It was half past six, all blurry orange skies and murky tea, when I told you about my dream. The steam from my mug swirled around in dancing plumes, ‘round and ‘round like a playground carousel. It was too honeyed…tasted more like cough syrup than anything else. My mug left rings on the dining table, rounded circles like the white outline of a moon. Right, my dream. 

I had the strangest dream last night. I said. There was a creature sitting at the foot of my bed. It was the size of a little girl, no bigger than six and it just sat there, looking at me. It had these large, round eyes. They were gold and unwavering, staring into my soul as if it was reaching in the depths of my mind and reading the code in my brain wiring. I was in my bed, tucked into the blankets and hypnotised by this small creature curled up at the edge. I had a strange maternal instinct to touch it. Cradle it, hug it, kiss it, give it comfort that I could tell it lacked. 

You laughed at me when I said that! “Maternal?” You scoffed, “Honey, you’re a child. What do you know about motherhood?” You asked me. I didn’t look at you when you said that, I gazed far off into the distance, at the framed family pictures on the mantle. My young face smiled back at me, milk teeth trapped beneath the glass cover glittering under the ceiling light, not a wrinkle or grey hair in sight! I remember bringing my hand to my face and pinching the warm flesh between my fingers, trying to reach the girl inside of me. I wondered if I dug my nails into my skin, if I ripped through layers of tissue and sinewy, red muscle, what would I find? Oh yeah! Back to my story… 

The creature gazed at me curiously, tilting its head up with the wide eyes of a fawn. Why do deer freeze in headlights? Why do they just stop and stare? What do they know that we don’t? I feel like a deer in headlights sometimes. I can’t move somedays, I stare at the future approaching, it accelerates in speed and honks and honks at me - yelling “I’m coming! Get ready!”. I can do nothing but wait and get hit. Anyway sorry, I got sidetracked, what was I talking about again? My dream! So, there was this creature right? It hugged its bloody knees to its chest, wrapping its arms around so tightly I was afraid it would turn black and blue! I don’t know what force possessed me, but I reached out! With trembling hands, I extended my arm and slowly brought my fingers closer to the creature’s head. I waited for it to snarl or jump or bite me. But it didn’t. So I touched its head, and felt the strangest sensation! As if I was running my fingers through blades of fresh, wet grass. It smelt like rain and plastic playground equipment, and I swear I felt my stomach swoop like I was going down a slide! When I reached the end of the slide, a sweet gust of wind blew my hair back and I heard children's laughter.

“And?” You asked.

“And? That’s it!” 

“What a stupid dream.”