Karaoke Khaos

TRADING FROM MY CART

A spoof of the song 'Driving in my car' originally recorded by Madness

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

I like trading from my cart,

I must admit I think it's smart,

I travelled up to Primrose Hill,

To trade some stuff with one-eyed Bill,

He gets his goods through ways of crime,

I got good stuff from him this time.

Live in my cart; sleep on its floor, 

A poor farmer owned it before,

I use my cart to do my job

The common folk think I'm a slob,

But I don't really care,

Give me some goods and the open air.

<saxophone>

I mend it in my spare time,

It's a bit old but its mine,

It's pulled by horses that are fast,

On a long chase they really last.

It's pulled by horses that are fast.

Last week they called the guards on me

For selling goods that were quite dodgy

My fast horses made the guards see,

That they couldn't ever catch me,

Ha ha ha!

<piano solo>

I went trading from my cart,

It don't look much but it's quite smart,

It takes me up to Primrose Hill,

Then I sell goods in Mugginsville,

They caught up with my cart this time,

I couldn't get out through the gate. 

This guardsman stopped me the other day,

His mistake what could I say?

My goods they were a little worn,

All above board I could've sworn,

But he took them just the same,

The trumped up charges were so lame.

<saxophone>

I liked trading from my cart,

I really did think it was smart,

I can't trade now from my cart,

The guardsmen pulled it all apart,

My horses pull another's cart,

Belonging to a wealthy tart,

I'll never trade from my poor cart,

I'll rot in jail for con-man's art.

WELCOME TO THE GAMESTORE

A spoof of the song 'Welcome to the Jungle' originally recorded by Guns N Roses

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

Welcome to the gamestore

we've got fun 'n' games

we've got all the dice you want

honey we know their names

We are the people that can find

wargames and RPGs

if you've got the money, honey,

our games just might please

In the gamestore

Welcome to the gamestore

Where kids come to play their

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-G's-G's

I.....I....I'll sell you cards to please.

Welcome to the Gamestore

We play here day-by-day

If you're gaming you'll be right here 

but there's a price to pay.

And you're a very sexy girl

invisible to geeks

they'll teach you to role-play

but you'll be playing with freaks

In the gamestore

Welcome to the gamestore

Where kids come to play their

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-G's-G's

I.....I....I'll fill your every need.

Welcome to the Gamestore

It gets worse here every day

you'll learn to game like an animal

in this gamestore where we play.

If you got a hunger for games you see

you'll buy them eventually

you can shop anywhere you want

but ya better buy your games from me

In the gamestore

Welcome to the gamestore

Where kids come to play their

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-G's-G's

I.....I....I'll sell you cards to please..

When your PC dies, you'll never

resurrect it again

Stay Down

Stay Down

Stay Down.....ooooooooohhhh

yeaheaaah ahh ahhhhhh yeayeaaah yeayeaaahh yeayeahhhhh NO!

<Guitar solo>

You know where you are?

You're in the Gamestore, Babe!

You're gonna cry-y-y-yeah!

In the Gamestore, welcome to the Gamestore

Watch us play games with these fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-fruh-freaks, freaks.

In the gamestore, welcome to the gamestore

Come and meet these gamer guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh geeks, geeks

In the gamestore, welcome to the gamestore,

watch us fill your hobby nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh needs, needs,

In the Gamestore, welcome to the gamestore

watch us bring games to ya

We're gonna share this hobby 'round. Hooah!

IT'S SO EASY

A spoof of the song 'It's so easy' originally recorded by Guns n Roses

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

I see my GM in his gamenight best

He's out to please

I'm not impressed

He's out to take

The players on

A game he will make 

It's so easy, easy,

When my GM is trying to please me, baby

It's so easy, easy,

When my GM is trying to please me

Games are crashing every night

I drink and game, everything's in sight

I cast the fire but I missed the firefight

I hit the bulls-eye every night

It's so easy, easy,

When my GM is trying to please me, baby

It's so easy, easy,

When my GM is trying to please me

So easy

But nothin' seems to please me

So I'll pick a fight and ruin the GM's night

See me hit you

You fall do-o-own Hooah!

My GM's standin' there

He thinks he's so cool

Why don't he just

F**k off?!

<guitars>

Ya get nothin' for nothin'

XP just won't do

Give me magic items like you used to do

Besides, you ain't got nothin' better, have you?

And I'm bored

It's so easy, easy,

When my GM is trying to please me, baby

It's so easy, easy,

When my GM is trying to please me

So easy

But nothin' seems to please me

So I'll pick a fight and ruin the GM's night

So come with me

Where's this game now going? I don't know

I'll try to please you

I ain't got no morals but it goes ta show

It's so easy

So f**kin' easy

It's so easy

So damned easy

OooohhhHH It's so easy!

So f**kin' easy

It's so easy - yeah - it's so easy

It's so easy

So f**kin' easy

It's so easy

Yeah!

Find Orcs to Kill

A spoof of the song 'Run to the Hills' originally recorded by Iron Maiden

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

Greenskins came from underneath

With nasty scowls and yellowed teeth

They killed our kind, they killed our creed

To satisfy, bloodthirsty need

We fought them hard we fought them well

Out on the plains we gave them hell!

Too many came, a greenskin sea

Oh will we ever be set free?

Running through dustlands and barren wastes

Running at us from the plains

Chasing our peoples back to their homes

Then destroying them all with their flames

Murdered the free with a stab in the back

Let's gather our brave Knights and counterattack!

Find Orcs to kill!

Just take their lives!

Find Orcs to kill!

Just take their lives!

Greenskins out on the barren plains

Hunting and killing's a game

Raping the women and wasting the men

Slaughtering Knights as they came

Murdering humans and taking their gold

Eating the young and destroying the old

Find Orcs to kill!

Just take their lives!

Find Orcs to kill!

Just take their lives!

That don't impress me (your GM) much

a spoof of the song 'That don''t impress me much' by Shania Twain

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

I've known a few gamers who thought they were,

pretty smart,

But your rules lawyering is close to an art,

You min/max like a Demon - dispute,

my rules call

but you haven't yet seen - you're heading,

for a fall.

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special,

Oh-oo-oh you think you're something else.

Okay, so you're a Dual-sword specialist? 

That don't impress me much,

So you got the moves but have you got the touch?

Now don't get me wrong,

Your character is alright,

But that won't keep him safe from the Demons of the Night.

It don't impress me much.

I accepted a new character with some tools in his pocket,

and picklocks up his sleeve,

just in case,

He would find the palace vault and have a chance to unlock it,

For, heaven forbid, he could,

rob the place.

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special,

Oh-oo-oh you think you're something else.

Okay, so you've a master thief -

That don't impress me much,

So you got the skills but have you got the touch?

Now don't get me wrong,

Your character is alright,

But that won't keep him safe from guards roaming in the night.

It don't impress me much.

Yeaah!

You're one of those guys who likes to,

play in-between?

Better get my approval before I let you back in.

I can't believe you earned that XP last night,

Come on now just tell me,

You're really jokin' right??

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special.

Oh-oo-oh you think you're something else.

Okay, so you're in more than one group - 

That don't impress me much,

So you got the points to let you level up.

Now don't get me wrong,

Playing twice is alright,

But your extra points don't coun't on my group's gaming night.

That don't impress me much,

You think you're cool for gaming far too much,

Don't get me wrong, yeah,

I think you're all right

But don't waste you life playing long, games every night.

That don't impress me much.

Okay, so what do you think you're a Gamer' or something?

Whatever

That don't impress me. 

I feel like a Gamer

a spoof of the song'Man, I feel like a woman' by Shania Twain

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

I'm gonna game tonight - I'm fellin' alright,

I'm gonna let my bolts shoot out,

Wanna make my horse, stay true to it's course,

Yeah! I'm gonna - cleave and clout,

No inhibitions - offer no conditions,

Kill them if they're - out of line,

Ain't gonna get hacked, won't need no resurrect,

I only wanna have a good time,

The best thing about being a gamer,

Is our ability to have a little fun and...

Oh, oh, oh, oh! This battle is crazy, protecting the Lady,

Mail shirts, chain skirts,

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Really go wild, yeah, 

kill them with some style,

Oh, oh, oh! Get in the action, put them in traction,

Hack off their hair, do what you dare,

Oh, oh, oh, oh! fight and be free - yeah, to love the way of steel,

Man! I feel like a gamer!

Orc necks I'm gonna break - tonight I'm gonna take,

The chance to raid the orcish town,

Charging with my lance - transfix them like a trance,

I'm gonna mow the greenskins down,

The best thing about being a gamer,

Is our ability to have a little fun and...

Oh, oh, oh, oh! This battle is crazy, protecting the Lady,

Mail shirts, chain skirts,

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Really go wild, yeah, 

kill them with some style,

Oh, oh, oh! Get in the action, put them in traction,

Hack off their hair, do what you dare,

Oh, oh, oh, oh! fight and be free - yeah, to love the way of steel,

Man! I feel like a gamer!

The best thing about being a gamer,

Is our ability to have a little fun! Fun, fun, fun!

Oh, oh, oh, oh! This battle is crazy, protecting the Lady,

Mail shirts, chain skirts,

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Really go wild, yeah, 

kill them with some style,

Oh, oh, oh! Get in the action, put them in traction,

Hack off their hair, do what you dare,

Oh, oh, oh, oh! fight and be free - yeah, to love the way of steel (way

of steel),

Man! I feel like a gamer!

Oh yeah, oh yeah,

I get totally crazy,

Can you feel it?

Hack, hack, hack them Orcies!

I feel like a gamer!

Mage's Tower

A spoof of the song 'Hangar 18' originally recorded by Megadeth

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

Welcome to a fortress tower, I'll take some time to show you 'round,

Impossible to break these walls, For you see their wards are much too strong,

Crystal balls to view the world, Artifacts to blight the stars,

Possibly I've seen too much, Mage's tower I know too much.

<Fill>

Created Lifeforms Labratory, Where Mages make their perfect weapons,

Starting secret war's the story, Casting spells but who'd suspect,

The bengin Archmage and his friends, Of waging wars to meet their ends,

Possibly I've seen too much, Mage's tower I know too much.

<Instrumental to end>

YOU GIVE BOWS A BAD NAME

A spoof of the song 'You give love a bad name' originally recorded by Bon Jovi

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

Shot through the heart

and you're to blame

darlin' you give bows a bad name

"I draw my bow" is what you said

You promised me headcounts but took me to hell

Demon Spawn is after me

This is a prison we can't break free

Woooooooah! I'm not havin' fun

Wooah! There's nowhere to run

and no-one can heal up the damage you've done

Shot through the heart

and you're to blame

you give bows a bad name

you rolled a one

I was in the way

you give bows a bad name

Yeah, you give bows - a bad name

A twisted smile on your lips

blood red stain on my fingertips

you shot me, I don't know why

that very first shot was my final goodbye

Woooooooah! I'm not havin' fun. Yeah

Wooah! I won't need to run

you shot me down baby, my character's done

Shot through the heart

and you're to blame

you give bows a bad name

you rolled a one

I was in the way

you give bows a bad name

DARK ASSASSIN

A spoof of the song 'Perry Mason' originally recorded by Ozzy Osbourne

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

On his way to game-night

When it took him by suprise

That with one call on his mobile*

They discovered all his lies

His character was too good

With his poisons and the knives

Could pull weapons out of nowhere

And could quickly take your li-ife

I don't mind

Single class on the campaign

Taking lives

And he's killing his friends

over and over again

Who can sneak about the place

It's the Dark Assassin

You won't get to see his face

Killing Dark Assassin

Again, again

Riding jet black horses

Poisoned knives he loves to throw

He just likes to see their faces

When he deals the killing blow

"Mind your own damned business"

The assassin boldly said

But the nosey player pushed him

And his character wound up de-ead

I don't mind

Sneaky Gits and in-party killings

Taking lives

Is what assassins do

over and over again

Who can sneak about the place

It's the Dark Assassin

You won't get to see his face

Killing Dark Assassin

Again, again

Wake me when it's over, tell me it's alright

The assassin's stopped killing and has vanished in the ni-i-ight

How can we kill him? Tell me it'll be alright

Who can sneak about the place

It's the Dark Assassin

You won't get to see his face

Killing Dark Assassin

Again, again

Again, again

Again, ah-ah-ah-gain

ANTI-PALADIN IN THE UK

A spoof of the song 'Anarchy in the UK' originally recorded by The Sex Pistols

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

I am an Anti-christ

And I am a Paladin

Don't know what you are

But I know how to kill ya

I want to destroy EVERYTHING 'cos

I. 

Am Anti-

Paladin

The death of you all

I'm plotting today

I'm comin' sometime

So it maybe

That I destroy the good

And put out their light

My dark gods demand a killing spree 'cos

I

Am Anti-

Paladin

I think murder's OK

I'm evil, what can I say?

I'm planning to get ya, so you'd better pray

That my dark designs don't complete today 'cos

I

Am Anti-

Paladin

I DON'T BELIEVE IN ROGUES

A spoof of the song 'I don't believe in love' originally recorded by Queensryche

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

I awoke in the night

Under surveillance from the rogueish spy

Searching high and low

The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime

I tried to catch and bind, but didn't do it

He escaped from me

His face I never knew

But do we ever, ever really know? 

I tried to catch him on the other side

But I knew right then, I'd never find him

I don't believe in rogues

I never have, I never will

I don't believe in rogues

It's never worth the loot that they steal

No more night-rogues, I've seen them all

From the day I was born, they've haunted my every move

Every slight of hand there's a stolen purse

Disguises loved, dressed in tatters

They make a difference

I guess they have a way

Of finding traps, clearing them away

They walk in shadows, hiding from the light

They learn to lie 'cause they need to be so sly.

I don't believe in rogues

I never have, I never will

I don't believe in rogues

It's never worth the loot that they steal

I don't believe in rogues 

I need to forget his face, I see it still

I don't believe in rogues

It's never worth the pain that you feel

No chance for backstab

Put armour in the way

Their only hope is one day I'll forget

The pain of knowing that knife should never be

With or without poison it's all the same to me

I don't believe in rogues

I never have, I never will

I don't believe in rogues

I'll just pretend they never were real

I don't believe in rogues

I need to forget his face, I see it still

I don't believe in rogues

It's never worth the pain that you feel

The death of logic

A spoof of the song 'Isn't it Ironic' originally recorded by Alanis Morrisette

Alternative lyrics by Eleriana Ithien

I said, don't roll a ninety-eight

The die fell, and guess what they said?

It's a black fly in your chromatic spray

It's three sixes in a row, two rounds too late

It's the death of logic... don't you think?

Chorus:

It's like a rain of arrows, on your weakly mage

It's a failed hide during an orc masquerade

It's the GMs advice that you just didn't take

Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe Mage was afraid to die

He picked up his sling and kissed his familiar goodbye

He waited his whole damn life to take that fight

And as the mace crashed down he thought

"Well isn't this nice..."

And it's the death of logic... don't you think?

Repeat Chorus

Well Logic Death has a funny way of sneaking up on you

When you think everything's okay and everything's going right

And die have a funny way of helping you out when

You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up

In your face

A traffic jam when you're late for a game

A box of cards, and 12 are the same

It's like ten thousand daggers when all you need is a sword

It's finally finding a ship

And then falling over board

And isn't it the death of logic... don't you think?

A little lack of logic... and yeah I really do think...

Repeat Chorus

Logic Death has a funny way of sneaking up on you

Logic Death has a funny, funny way of freaking you out

Freaking you out

How you remind me

a spoof of the song ,How you remind me' by Nickelback

Alternative lyrics by Doug Lochery

Never made it as a GM,

Couldn't find game ideas worth stealin'

Tired of gaming like a blind man,

Sick of playing with no sense of feelin'

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me this game ain't worth a damn

This is how you remind me this game ain't worth a damn

It's not nice to say sorry,

For making up a piss-poor story,

This time I'm mistaken,

I just cant stop this game from breakin',

Yeah I've played wrong, been shot down, tried to cover up with pointless 

battle,

And my players they said, "Hey, GM can we have some fun yet?"

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

no, no,

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

no, no,

It's not like I didn't try hard,

I love the game and Iswear I still do

But it's just I am so bad,

At making plots and stuff to entertain you.

This is how you remind me this game ain't worth a damn

This is how you remind me this game ain't worth a damn

It's not nice to say sorry,

For making up a piss-poor story,

This time I'm mistaken,

I just cant stop this game from breakin',

Yeah I've played wrong, been shot down, tried to cover up with pointless battle,

And my players they said, "Hey, GM can we have some fun yet?"

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

no, no,

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

no, no,

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

no, no,

Never made it as a GM,

Couldn't find game ideas worth stealin'

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me

This is how you remind me this game ain't worth a damn

This is how you remind me this game ain't worth a damn

It's not nice to say sorry,

For making up a piss-poor story,

This time I'm mistaken,

I just cant stop this game from breakin',

Yeah I've played wrong, been shot down, tried to cover up with pointless battle,

And my players they said, "Hey, GM can we have some fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, are we havin' fun yet?

Yeah, yeah, are we havin' fun yet?