Week 1 RESULTS

Matchup of the Week

Pitts On That Thang (1-0) v. My White Chubb Hurts (0-1)

If I'm being honest, I needed this. As the commish of this damn league I needed a bit more respect on my name and what better way to start than to avoid the 0-2 blues this year and picking up an early dub. As Jim Harbaugh said to his Chargers this week, because he sure as hell didn't say it after the Texas game, can't go 2-0 without going 1-0. If it wasn't for NFL football I would have had to live in that Texas loss all week. Instead, My White Chubb Hurts because he may have forgotten to Pitts On That Thang... or something like that. Anyways, "That Thang" rode on the rookie QB's back this week as he turned out the perfomance he was drafted to. As the overall QB3 on the week, he had more rushing attempts in 1 game (16) than any other rookie QB in NFL history. The question is can he hold up that efficiency all year because his pass game lacked a lot...and so did a lot of the other studs on this team. MHJ flopped and this RB group is going to need HELPPPP. Thankfully, White Chubb looked a lot like the Michigan football team did this week too failing to do much and maybe having Leukemia along the way. Aaron Jones looked better than expected in Minnesota but can two guys from the Minnesota offense be your studs every week? Here's to you wanting a Chubb to return sooner than you ever have in your life.

Prediction: Pitts On That Thing (CORRECT): 1-0

Ass Prediction: My White Chubb Hurts (WRONG): 0-1

Jacksonville Jacks (0-0) v. ASS-ville Amphetamines (0-0)

In case you didn't know, CMC is good. No CMC is no good. CMC saying he is suiting up is good. CMC saying he is suiting up and not suiting up is no good. Which means no good x2. That just means Jack hands you a big fat L for you to hold as you walk out of Week 1. To make matters worse, Jack decided to hang 26 on you by his kicker alone. To make matters worse, your best player this week is someone you didn't even want on your own team, accidently drafting him and then trying to shop him right away. So sad. Jacks sees his QB1 go down for the next few weeks during week 1. Does he love this. No of course not. But if the rest of his team continues, outside of his TE who got less than 1 point, continues to do what they did this week, you could sub even the worst guy from our combine in at QB and even he'd lead this team to victory. Look for the Jacks to be partying in Jacksonville tonight

Prediction: Jacksonville Jacks (CORRECT): 2-0

Ass Prediction: ASS-ville Amphetamines (WRONG): 0-2

Sir CoxAlot (1-0) v. Chicago Dogs (0-1)

Sometimes you close your eyes and open up your mouth and you get a nice big Chicago Dog with all the fixin's. Maybe even an Odunze Dog. Then...there are other times where you close your eyes and open up your mouth, and you hope you put your throat numbing cream on this morning because Sir CoxAlot is coming swinging, throwing that THANG around. Unfortunately for the Dogs, they didn't do much wrong, they were just chosen (not Robby) for the coxen. This was a matchup that was highly anticipated this week as it has 2 of the teams people were really high on this week. As Patty Mahomes and Derrick Henry combines for 24 points on Thurday night football you would have thought that there would be some worry, but thankfully Saquan out squats Jalen Hurts and played like Penn State Saquan again in this Eagles offense. I think a lot of people expected good but this may be a common occurance for him if he can stay healthy now that he is on a good offense. At this rate, Cooper Kupp may also be the steal of the draft as he showed that he has potential to still be the Overall WR1 in this week going for 14/110/1 and saying that Puka isn't needed (besides for the Rams to win). On the flip side the dogs were doggy and quite evenly cooked. As a doubter in Anthony Richardson, he showed that he could throw the ball far and make some highlight plays with his legs too. Simply, this dude could spark a Colts revival and will be needed for the Dogs to continue out strong the rest of the season. These 26 points could be a season low for Mr. Richardson. Achane is getting RB1 Overall looks too. If he can stay healthy, this offense may just function around him going foward. 

Prediction: Chicago Dogs (WRONG): 2-1

Ass Prediction: Chicago Dogs (CORRECT): 1-2

Team Keegs (1-0) v. Victorville Vengeange (0-1)

Josh Allen was a bust for maybe 5 minutes before he rolled out and finished the game as QB2 on the week. Keegs shows us a draft strategy every freaking year that works. But yet they would rather hate on the team rather than joining it. Sounds a lot like Indiana and the law on that Gonja. Or states like California and Texas and Minnesota where sports betting is still illegal. You can see success all around you and join in, or you stand on the sides thinking you're better and instead you are stuck watching Team Keegs and Josh Allen pick up another win this year. They join him with a few stud RB's and some predictable WR's and what more do you need? Because honestly Victorville and his Lamar Jackson Vengeange led team put on a good showing this week as well. Pacheco & Dobbins look like a RB tandum that could combine for 40 touches every game this year. Although Pacheco usually has 40 steps every time he makes a cut and Dobbins top run speed may be close to 4.0 mph for a max of 40 yards. Kirk may not be the answer in JAX and JSN still has not arrived despite all the hype. The question is how well do both of these teams get managed going forward?

Prediction: Team Keegs (CORRECT): 3-1

Ass Prediction: Team Keegs (CORRECT): 2-2

President (Alvin) Kamara Harris (1-0) v. Tarkington Crawdaddies (1-0)

For a team that wanted to do everything in their power to NOT draft a defense on draft night, I feel like things worked out pretty good for the new President in order. 26 points from the Bears defense to be Defense #1 on the week, the question is will he continue to stream, or will he look to keep DA BEARS around a little longer. While the Bears highlighted this team, a solid showing from their entire team helps to make The President feel good going forward. I'm sure it was hard seeing a CJ Stroud led Texans to victory over the home Colts team. Kyren was definitely that dude (not the dude returning kicks) for Jimmy in LA and President Kamara himself went on a long vacation because he worked so hard. Crawdaddies had a rough outing and may continue to going forward as WR1 Puka goes down early and for the next few weeks. Maybe that Browns QB knows a few places that could help speed up his recovery process. Although was Joey B really even that much better against a New England team that was supposed to be the worst in football this year??? Crawdaddies need to crawl in the creek for the next week and hope for some rain for them to be stronger next.

Prediction: President Kamara (CORRECT): 4-1

Ass Prediction: President Kamara (CORRECT): 3-2

ComeBack Story (1-0) v. G-Train Rats (0-1)

As Glen and the Rats so wonderfully pointed out "At least I won the bench war!" I do wonder at this point on his managerial career, does Glen have more bench wins that he has actually wins?? Considering he has 12 wins in the last 3 years of the season, giving him 42 chances. Are his actual losses due to just starting the wrong guys every week and they are just sitting on the bench out performing the other teams bench similar to how student managers play other student managers in college basketball? Or are his losses actually just due to his team not being good and then saying that there is more talent somewhere else? Similar to the Browns. Regardless, the rats start this year off in a rat trap while still almost putting up a respectable 99.86 points. The bigger news here is that is this little boy considered a daddy now? At what point does daddy status happen. You would think this would be in the DDFFL bylaws somewhere but regardless you can at least count this as a stray pube that you are showing to everyone. So congrats on that little guy.

Prediction: G-Train (WRONG): 4-2

Ass Prediction: G-Train (WRONG): 3-3

The Year of the PP (1-0) v. The Bald Bison (0-1)

Battle of the "The". Typically I am not a fan of teams that feel like they need to announce themselves as being THE one and only. Set down and humble yourself and just accept the name for what it is. But in this situation I feel like the fanbases of The Year of the PP and The Bald Bison are much more humble communities than other teams that try to create a trademark on the word "the". Dumb. Anyways, it would be my please to declare, with all of my power, that The Bald Bison may keep your "The" and that while the Year of the PP may still be upon us, it was definitely not this week and he must remove "The" from his name. It wasn't a beat down by anymeans. In all reality while I am writing this, we still don't know if Aaron Rodgers is going to last more than 4 plays or even show up for the game tonight. Dude is unhinged. Big ups to THE Bald Bison on picking up their first win of the season. It only took *checks DDFFL Official Workbook with all historical data* until week 6 of last year for you to get that. Daddy is growing up. 

****I thought about deleting the above but clearly decided to let you know how things went because boy were we all wrong.

Writing as Tyrod gets put into the game and now I am officially announcing that THE Bald Bison now must just be Bald Bison going forward. Heck, all all of the father Bison's are saying Bye-Son, go be Bi-Son, you are no longer my Bald Bison after this one. Just a brutal beat those last few possessions with ARod pulling the I'm old card and just sitting out the last possession. 

Prediction: The Year of the PP (RIGHT): 5-2

Ass Prediction: The Bald Bison (WRONG): 3-4