Blog #4 - Week 2 Predictions

I'm not sure about all of you, but week 2 is where things finally begin to set in for me that football is back, BAY BEEE! It didn't take long for the hate to come in about the Colts, the Browns, and... more of the Browns. Glen has sent approximately 17 links to twitter posts, mostly related to the Browns and the Elf. 15 of those were without a reply and like Blake kindly pointed out, did anyone really look at them? But hey, we love it all the same. What is football season without shit talking each others teams, each other as people, and as Zach Wilson would say, Banging each other moms - hot diggity. Maybe one blog in the future I'll do some diggin' to figure out who comes from the hottest mom lineage. Hot momma.

Back to the import stuff, the NFL. I recently came across an old article that is titled "Why does the NFL hate sex?". Don't bother reading it because the title basically gives it away. Many teams, in 2016 and presumably still today, banned sex during training camp and even during the games. Not sure if circle jerking in the AU Dunn bathrooms was a thing for the Colts at the time, but doesn't sound like they were getting off any other way. Which brings me to the question, is the NFL season actually better than sex?

Thankfully, ya boy did some diggin. One article stated that 73% of relationships actually worsened during the fantasy football season and another said that 17% of men and 27% of women preferred tracking the performance of their fantasy football teams over having sex (a study done by TheSleepJudge.com - which surveyed 997 people who play fantasy sports).

17% means someone in this league, married or not, is turning down that poon in order to watch and track their team on any given day of the week. While i'm not against doggy style with the phone above her back occasionally, you should not make that a habit. NFL being back is incredible, but keep those priorities straight daddies!! Get ya bang's in, unless it's a Jehovah's Witness.

TO THE PREDICTIONS...

Week 1 PREDICTIONS

Matchup of the Week

C Dogs (1-0) vs Saving Private (Matt) Ryan (1-0)

There is a reason this matchup is MOTW, but before I get to it, let's break it down

QB: While you can give me all the GOAT talk of Tom Brady that you want, all of the reports say that Tom is pretty much over being back and ready to chalk things up. After all, he may have just been on the Masked Singer. Kirk quietly had a huge week 1 and will likely run it back again week 2 against a Phili defense that just gave up a bunch to the Lions. Good for Kirk, bad for the WR department (see below). ADVANTAGE - EQUAL

RB: Swift & Penny vs Kamara & Conner. If looking at the names, its a clear choice. If you look at last year, its a clear choice. But this is 2022 and Swift is ready to take the league by storm, and in week 1 he had the highest RB score of 82.3 by PFF. Kamara is not the same with Jameis Winston at the helm, and Conner is still, and will always be, touchdown dependent. And dare I say, the Seahawks looked manageable. ADVANTAGE - Private Ryan

WR: Jamar Jefferson & Jerry Jeudy vs Brandon Cooks & JuJu. Not even up for debate. I'd take Jefferson over the other 3 combined. ADVANTAGE - C Dogs

TE: Hockenson vs Kelce. While Hockenson is a formidable foe, he's just the poor man's Travis Kelce. ADVANTAGE - Private Ryan

Flex: Curtis Samual vs Tee Higgins. Both are irrelevant to me. Curtis scored last week, but it won't be a common occurance for him in that offense. ADVANTAGE - EQUAL

D & K: Normally it doesn't matter here, but when you have the #1 Defense and #1 Kicker, plus a torn pec, it gives you the slight edge. ADVANTAGE - Private Ryan

Bet you didn't see that one coming. But I did. UPSET ALERT!!!!

Prediction: Private Ryan

Ass Prediction: Doggy dogs

Team Keegs (0-1) vs Victorville (1-0)

QB1 vs QB2 in this match up and I have a hope that both these teams led by strong QB's live up to the hype. Just as Josh Allen kicked off the 2022 NFL season on Thursday night with a HUGE performance last week, look for Patty Mahomes to follow up his week 1 performance in another shootout tonight. While Mark Andrews will likely have a huge week against a rough Miami D, the difference here is JT will take over, again, vs whatever you call the football team in Jacksonville and Derick Henry, not the bruiser her used to be, will experience the difficulties in Buffalo. Hopefully Keegs sleeps through this one. 

Prediction: Victorville

Ass Prediction: Keegster

Chris B Bacon (0-1) vs Dethrone the Booty Commish (0-1)

Points have to be give'n for the name change alone, and for the creativity on getting around the wonderful ESPN language restrictions. Dethrone's 3 headed running back group could take down the Three-Headed Dog monster, Cerberus, in Harry Potter. Seriously, the Harry(is), Chubb of Josh Jacobs will likely score in bunches most weeks, putting them in position to get some quick TD's. Although the trio of Adam(s) Diggs (my) Jackson are all top 8 in their respective positions and have a much easier matchup this week. Throw in CEH finding the endzone tonight, Chris B runs away this one. Make he takes the Booty's throne on the way too. Then do both teams win?

Prediction: Chris B Bacon

Ass Prediction: "F*** that guys name. I liked PP better"....BOYLAN ALL THE WAY

Throw Bombs, Bang Moms (1-0) vs Cinci Forklifts (1-0)

I do appreciate that I can finally say SOME nice things about the Forklifts this year. You're not just a bengal homer who got lucky for them having a good season anymore. You online projection thing basically told you not to take any Bengal players...hmmm... 🤔 ... I wonder why (there's no chance it told you to pick Evan, you went homer pick there). Regardless, you'll get on the board early tonight and likely in big fashion. Herbert and Ekeler are stars in the NFL and playing on Thursday night in a potential shootout gives them a great opportunity to put up points. AJ Brown is a star budding in Phili, but has a much tougher matchup with Patrick Peterson and Xavier Rhodes lining up against him. On the other side, Kyler and Hollwood is a deadly stack and they are ready to start figuring things out, just hoping for a double xp weekend for the Cardinals and not Kyler's COD team. Look for Javonte to be RB1 this week against a terrible Houston team. Forklifts may be helpful, but we banging moms ALLLLLLLLLLLL day. 

Prediction: Throw Bombs, Bang Moms

Ass Prediction: Shooter McForklift

Edawg (0-1) vs Akron Aeros (1-0)

Sometimes you run with the hype while you have it. Sometimes you get momentum and it carries you to the next week. The Aeros have a few studs in Kupp and Russ and Thomas, but there are some players i'm just not sure that be consistent enough for you. No bashville remarks here, but your success doesn't continue into a two week streak. Why you may ask...Joey B is going to smoke a fat one with the boys and blow smoke up your a** similar to how a freshman boy put a pencil down another boys butt crack today. Sutton catches the touchdowns from Russ this week, and Edawg pulls away late. 

Prediction: Edawg

Ass Prediction: EDawg 

SQL Server (0-1) vs Jacksonville Jacks (0-1)

REBUILD, RELOAD, RESHOOT. Both these teams sucked booty (espn approved language) during week 1, but only 1 team actually did anything about it while the other probably ate a bowl of apple jack cereal in jacksonville while doing jumping jacks, then going to jack in the box and getting a hooker to give him a quick jack. One is helpful for your fantasy team, the other is just a lot of jacking around. SQL UNLOADS a new team this week and welcomes back his TE to his starting line up. It's less about actual football here. Sometimes you're just a blow up sex doll ready to take a beating, and there isn't anything you can do about it. 

Prediction: SQL (i like thinking this means Squirrel)

Ass Prediction: ASS is Ass...but don't disrespect the SQL SERVER. 

• With Love, Commish