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While thankfully there hasn't been too much snow that has hit the ground, now that we have moved past Thanksgiving and into the month of December, I've sat here and thought that one of my favorite parts of these into blogs is giving you lists of randomness; and I haven't done that quite enough. And that is a shame. Because when I give you lists I'm doing a few things. I'm sharing a personal part of my life, you now know me on a deeper level. I'm giving you advice - ways to make your life better. And helping you stay educated. You know what they say, you become two things - 1. Like the 5 closest people you hang around and 2. What you read. What better way to improve all of that than this league and more importantly, this blog. So here is a list of a few different topics that I felt like may benefit you in this holiday season:
Best Gifts to ask for:
A blow job - basically sex without any effort on your part. splash.
A puppy. Get one for yourself. That way they love you more than anyone you will ever live with. You must show you're the master.
NFL Redzone - all of you cheap bastards expect to have a good fantasy season, to put up something that is worth a d***, and yet are over there trying to stream NFL games illegally. Find some random student in college, steal their email, and get that lucky person in your life, could be your mom, and have her buy you next year's NFL Redzone. Wonderful Investment.
Tools, a pack of beef jerky, and a case a beer - what more would define you as a man. This MUST come in a 3 for 1 package though, all to be used at once. Powertools are more fun when intoxicated.
A custom lightsaber from Disney World. Those things are dope. And they make cool woosh, woosh noices.
Worst things about the "Happiest Time of the Year"
F the cold. Why am I in Indiana. I hate being cold. I hate that I need 7 layers of clothing to step outside only to sit in my car and by the time it gets warm, i've arrived at my destination and I have to get out again.
EVEN WORSE, is when i walk into work and my secretaries say "oooooooh, where is your coat. Aren't you a bit coldddddd." Shut up, ho.
I'm supposed to make cookies for Santa who already gets to eat a bunch of cookies. Nah fam. Cookies are MY FAVORITE. You make me some freaking cookies. and decorate them all neat and such.
Hallmark movies. Bleh. Girl from the city goes to small town middle of no where for the holidays and meets jerkish hunk who saves girl from disaster. But oh no, she has to go home now. But she purposely misses her flight and gets to be with hunk guy, probably named Mike.
I just feel bad for the people outside groceries stores ringing those bells. Gotta be cold yall. Like can i pay you to not stand out here. Makes me cold for you. Need a whiskey for standing out there? gah, gotta suck.
Extra one just because Ginger bread houses are a load of malarky. Screw them and their sugary gum drops and icisle frosting. I want to eat not make something i cant and that looks horrible.
Best Christmas Snacks
Sugar Cookies. Gimme them frosted and sprinkled and cut in all sorts of Candy Cane, Snowman, and Stocking shapes. Make them look pretty or don't, I really don't care good. Just make sure they taste DELISH.
Peppermint drinks, and the Peppermint Martini that I make. If you know, you know. nuf said.
Ham - now hear me out. Oh it's not a snack, blah blah blah. While it's great that it's recognized as the main meat for Christmas, way better than Turkey, the Ham I'm talking about is two fold. The ham you try to steal before dinner time and after it's out of the oven. ANDDDDD, the late night ham that you're snacking on little piece by little piece. yummmmmmmmmm.
Hot Coco - you could put it in category two, because again it's all better with peppermint.. and alcohol. But It's also a strong enough contender by itself. So it takes the 4 spot.
A little more nostagic here than anything, but suckin on a good ole' candy cane. Especially when you're a little kid and you use it as a weapon. Or when you're an adult and you use it as a weapon and people try to judge you. Ahh, the joy.
TO THE RESULTS...
Week 13 RESULTS
Matchup of the Week
Excel Extraordinaire (6-7) vs Victorville Vengeance (7-6)
Talk about MATCH UP OF THE WEEK coming down to the last few minutes in Monday night. In a matchup that could have decided the utter fate for poor Excel, they rode their talented rookie RB, just like the way Tom Brady did, to a game clinching touchdown at the end up the game. But we all know that the real story of this game was picking up the Browns defense and having them carry 31 points to be the high scorer from the entire matchup. Watson may not have fixed the offense but I guess he fixed the defense. Free massages for everyone afterwards?? The other side of this story is that Excel put up the highest points in the league this week. During a week they needed to control their division...they did exactly that. Victorville, well it's tough to put up 124 and lose. But i guess Excel got is revenge from earlier this season. As long as you don't shit the bed this week, you still have a strong chance to make it to the promised land.
Prediction: Victorville - WRONG (0-1)
Ass Prediction: Excel - RIGHT (1-0)
Geno Help (5-8) vs Throw Bombs, Bang Moms (8-5)
All this game meant was that I allowed Geno Help an opportunity to compete for the top spot in the Bad division the following week. After Geno failed to want to trade with me, he went out on his own and found a way to get the job done. Geno helped. The Moms helped, CeeDee Lamb helped, Purdue didn't help but meh, the Antelope Club helped. Sometimes we ask for help for one and then everyone comes in to give a helping hand. And sometimes thats all we can ask for. This entire matchup was fun, outside of Watson absolutely sucking. We like when teams do well and we like when we don't have to stress on Monday nights. Go out and win next week bud.
Prediction: Moms - WRONG (0-2)
Ass Prediction: Moms - WRONG (1-1)
Team EDAWG (5-8) vs Team Keegs (9-4)
One brother got revenge this week. One brother proved to be the better brother this week. One brother is going to the playoffs. One brother has all but lost hope. This week Keegs put up over 100 points, which he has done in 9 out of 13 games this year (guess which ones he hasn't based on his record). The real question is if he is concerned that he still put up 100 points with only 8 from his stud RB duo. Can they continue to carry him? Also, Amon-Ra is Ra-lly good.
Prediction: Keegs - RIGHT (1-2)
Ass Prediction: Keegs - RIGHT (2-1)
Chicago Dogs (5-8) vs The PP May Already Be Dead (10-3)
what an utter melt down from this dogs team. I know that the Chicago Bears melted against the packers on Sunday, but you didn't need to follow suit in your fantasy football performance too! What do you have left to cheer on now? Who do you root for? Are you a Michigan fan now? Unfortunately, Waddle looked helpless as he did not waddle in the endzone and instead, ended up hobbled with Tua. Something that doesn't look great going forward. TJ Hockenson is failing to be the stud that the Vikings traded for, although he is on a better team. The talent is just too strong for PP. They even let Nick Chubb take the week off as he got used to his touchy touchy QB and only score 8 points. Josh Jacobs even had a bad week and still managed 20 fantasy points. I talk far too often about teams NEEDING superstars and boy does PP have them. Not only that, but with sole posession of 1st place by a game, he just needs to win this coming week and he locks up a BYE.
Prediction: PP - RIGHT (2-2)
Ass Prediction: PP - RIGHT (3-1)
God Hates Forklifts (6-7) vs Lake Erie Elves (3-10)
Fortunately, God does not hate the forklifts as he as since provided them with a 2 game winning streak. Unfortunately, God also loves the rest of the Good Division and has almost made it impossible for the Forklifts to grab ahold of their pallet and lift themselves to the playoffs. Jalen Hurts continues to look like an ALL STAR out here as he has my vote for MVP. But the rest of the forkies couldnt hang. The Elves even had a pretty decent week too. But again, in this league, you need superstars. And there just isn't a healthy one on this team. Would you please start looking at flights now for your punishment? kthnks.
Prediction: Forkies - RIGHT (3-2)
Ass Prediction: Forkies - RIGHT (4-1)
Looking Forward to Next Year (5-8) vs Nice Diggs (9-4)
WHO WOULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS ONE!? Where Nice Diggs puts up the lowest total score for himself this season and LFTNY breaks 100pts for the first time this season. This is a prime example that anything can happen in this league...although it doesn't really change a whole lot in respect to either of these teams making or not making the playoffs, this loss actually did quite a bit of shaking up in the league. Nice Diggs drops to 4th in the League, although it should be 3rd because the leader of the Bad division...well is bad. But more importantly it drops Diggs out of having the BYE in the first round of the playoffs and with having a little bit of a QB issue currently, are left on their toes to make a decision. LFTNY, congrats on the win! Glad your trades finally paid off this season. You left so many points on the bench too!
Prediction: Diggs - WRONG (3-3)
Ass Prediction: Diggs - WRONG (4-2)
Week 13 Results
Commish
3-3
ASS
4-2
Full Season Results
Commish
45 CORRECT
27 WRONG
62.5%
ASS
42 CORRECT
30 WRONG
58.3%
With Love, Commish
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