Has the following ever happened to you?

Susan has come up to you, complaining that Ethan has been pulling her hair, pushing her and generally being annoying in her direction. When you ask her what is happening, she goes on and on – ‘he did this, and then he was sticking his tongue out at me, and then he said my feet smell’, etc.

All you can think is: ​

What if Mrs Kitchener comes in and sees me not having control of my class​?

What if Susan’s or Ethan's parents complain​?

Can I pay my mortgage this week?​

I wonder how my mother is going in the hospital?​

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And so, you respond with:

What?

Tell him to stop.

Can you deal with it?

Just stay away from him.

Students want to and will connect with you if you can bring yourself away from your concerns and connect on an empathic level with them. It is hard to recall what it was like when we were young children experiencing life for the first time, but ultimately what they want to hear from you is: ​

• I know​

• I get it​

• That sounds tough​

• I don’t know what to do; I have never been where you are - let's figure it out together. ​

The point of the empathy step is to ensure everyone is on the same page about the issues experienced by the young person. It uses reflective listening to ensure the young person feels heard and comfortable getting their issues and concerns on the table. ​

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This step starts with reviewing the unsolved problem and inviting the young person to expand on their concerns or issues.​

For example: ​

‘I’ve noticed you are having issues on the bus lately, Katie. What’s up?’

‘Sophie, I've noticed you are having an issue with your phone. What’s up?’

Notice that the question is framed around the issue or concern the person is having, not around the challenging behaviour. Nowhere in the examples has anyone identified that Katie is fighting on the bus or that Sophie has just thrown her phone against the wall.

Also, these questions did not contain a theory – there was no suggestion about the situations in which Katie or Sophie might be finding themselves. For example, we would not say:

‘I’ve noticed you are having issues on the bus lately, Katie. Is that because you are being bullied?’

‘Sophie, I've noticed you are having an issue with your phone. Did you get another phone call?’

Adding theories to the empathy step leaves the potential for us to make a poor or erroneous assumption and break the connection. It is best to leave these questions until later in the process after establishing an empathetic relationship.

Consider the questions you want to ask your student. Do they include:

• a judgement?

• a behaviour?

• a theory?

• a consequence?

If so, you may need to reconsider the questions you are preparing to ask.

Reflect on your history – how open have you been when confronted or called out about a behaviour?

This process is about allowing the student to tell you their issues and using reflective listening and questions to hone in on the problem that has caused the issue.

Assuming that you have considered the question you are going to ask and are happy that it is free from the issues outlined above, it is time to consider what you will do if the student does or does not talk.

If they do talk, this is the best outcome. Now you can drill down to understand their perspective using reflective listening and clarifying statements.​

The Drilling Guide:

• Find out the who, what, when and where of the problem/issue​.

• Ask about the conditions in which the problem occurs and how it doesn’t occur in other/similar conditions. ​

• Ask what they think is driving this unsolved problem​.

• Ask about any discrepancies you have observed/heard about (this is not an attempt to trap the young person).​

• Break the problem into smaller parts. Is it that they have trouble with everything or just one small piece of the larger whole?​​

• Remember, this is not the time to focus on solutions – that will come later. The purpose of this conversation is to seek understanding and to really get to know what the young person is experiencing. ​

• Stay neutral and non-defensive. This is not about you or your practice but about active listening. ​

• Don’t rush. If the young person isn’t being fully heard or feels they are being rushed into a solution, you are not doing Plan B but a tricky form of Plan A.

If the student doesn’t want to talk or remains vigilant, silent or obstinate, that’s ok. Move on to the next step – drilling for information!

Once you feel confident in your question, set aside time for this activity with the student.

Sit down with the student and ask them the ‘What’s up?’ question you have devised.

Pay attention to their reaction – did they engage? If so, follow the process above. If not, consider the question you asked again. Is there a way to refine your question?

It is ok to come back to the question if the student doesn’t want to engage. Thank them for their time and willingness to try something new with you, and refer back to the problem-solving plan and the drilling guide.

I encourage you to write your reflections in a journal or Word document using these guiding questions:

How do you respond when you are confronted with behaviour you are not proud of?

Does the phrasing of the question make a difference when you are asked about a behaviour?

Are you more or less likely to answer a question if someone tells you why they think you are acting a certain way? What if their theory is correct or incorrect?

Consider how we typically ask students about their behaviour. Do we investigate, accuse or question?

What would the difference look like?