Think back to a time when you were being asked about an unpleasant experience, e.g., when you were experiencing imposter syndrome or when you felt you did not have the ability to do an action and lashed out.

What kind of questions made you feel reactive?

What kind of questions made you feel supported?

What would have happened in these moments if whoever was talking to you showed that they were not interested, not paying attention, or just waiting for their turn to speak?

Think about the last conversation you had with a student in which you were supporting the problem-solving process. What did you do?

Drilling is about reflective listening and clarifying statements​, mirroring the young person's words. For example, you might say, ‘Ah, I see. So, it’s Kimmy that is making the sound that is annoying you. Can you tell me more about that?’ in response to a student telling you about the annoying clicking sound Kimmy has been making at the back of the class.​

Use these reflective statements to ask for clarifying information, repeating and adding things such as: ​

• How so?​

• I don’t quite understand​.

• I’m confused​.

• Can you say more about that?​

• What do you mean?​

You can refer to the Drilling Cheat Sheet below for more information and examples on Drilling.​ However, it’s also helpful to know that, other than the student talking about specific details, there are only limited options for their responses, and these can each provide information about the issue.

They say nothing or 'I don't know'

Where does this come from?

• They may never have thought about this before​.

• Perhaps no one has asked them about this before.

• Maybe it has been a long time since the young person thought about their concerns.​

• The young person may need time to think.​

• The young person may have difficulties putting their feelings/experiences into words. ​

​

Ask yourself:​

• • • • • Was your question specific enough? ​

        • Did you remember not to focus on their behaviour? ​

        • Was your question free of theories? ​

        • Are you using Plan A and just waiting for the right time?​

It’s time to get comfortable with prolonged silence. Students may need time to construct their answers, or you can use silence to your advantage as a student may try to fill the silence by opening up a connection.

They get defensive. They say:

‘There is no problem.’

• This is an opportunity to find out more information. ​

• There is likely another issue impeding them from discussing this unsolved problem.​

• Ask the young person what they would identify as the problem​.

‘I don’t want to talk’ or ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’​

• Assume there is a good reason​ for this.

• Give permission for them to talk​.

• Try to talk about why they don’t want to talk about it/to you​.

• Table the discussion and come back to it another time. ​

‘I don’t have to talk to you.’ ​

• Reassure them that ‘no, they don’t’ but remind them that you are trying to help and they are not in trouble.​

• Reassure them you are not doing Plan A.​

• Tell them that you are trying to understand the issue, not to tell them off or get them in trouble.

Learning the skill of reflective listening takes practice and time, but it will enrich your conversations and relationships with students. Expressing empathy through your speech and showing genuine care in helping students solve their problems goes a long way in building or rebuilding connections.

Consider the example student you have worked with during this MOOC. If you have not had a particular student in mind up to this point, I urge you to consider one during this process.

Brainstorm how your conversation may go with them. If we take Katie from the previous example, for instance, our conversation may start with, “I’ve noticed you are having issues on the bus lately, Katie. What’s up?’

Let’s predict she will reply with “I don’t have a problem”.

Consider what your response may be to this predictable response. How will you frame your answer?

Consider the reactions you may get from your example student and map out a response for each of the five examples given in the text:

They say nothing

They say “I don’t know”

They say “There is no problem”

They say “I don’t want to talk to you!”

They say “I don’t have to talk to you!”

Being prepared for all of these eventualities as you start this conversation will help you to rationally and empathically respond to the student and their needs, rather than reacting in a startled or defensive manner.

Read the Drilling Cheat Sheet above. Pick one or two strategies to apply in your next conversation with a student.

Reflect on how asking these questions changed the conversation and whether it brought you closer or further away from your goals.

Role-play with a peer, SSO or, as many of us do, your own children. See what reflective listening can achieve in uncovering the root cause of an issue.

I encourage you to write your reflections in a journal or Word document using these guiding questions:

When you started reflective listening, how did it make you feel?

Did you see a visible response from the student when you engaged in reflective listening?

Do you think you got more or less information using reflective listening?

Did reflective listening take more time? Was the additional time investment worth it?