When I was younger, money was never something that I thought or cared about. At my previous school, money was never a topic of conversation for my friends and me. Although I was, and still am, extremely privileged, upon coming to private school on financial aid, I realized I was different from most of my peers. I noticed that many of the students here went on more extravagant vacations, got more gifts, had more expensive clothes, talked about how their parents had high-paying jobs, and important family names. I started to feel more and more insecure about my worth.

Last year, I found myself often around some people who were significantly more wealthy than me, and they frequently reminded me of this. I began to feel embarrassed for not having the things they did. Specifically, two people made me incredibly aware of the fact that I was different from them. I was walking to lunch one day and overheard a conversation where one person said, “I feel like I can’t talk about money with Grace because we’re just not the same.” I was immediately ashamed. They had just identified my biggest insecurity, the one thing I felt separated me from everyone else. Because of this, I started to fixate on my worth and became incredibly insecure.

The one thing I became particularly ashamed about was my house. It wasn’t nearly as big as my friends’ and I constantly heard about how much their houses were worth, how many rooms they had, and how annoying their cleaners were. I started to realize that my house wasn’t worth that much, that my house didn’t have as many rooms as theirs, and that I didn’t even have cleaners to be annoyed at. I stopped inviting my friends over because I became more self-conscious and worried what they would think. This didn’t just include the people who I heard talking about me. This was everyone. I continued to obsess over this insecurity as I believed those people only continued to focus on money and possessions, making me feel more and more aware of what I lacked. 

It wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I finally got enough courage to invite someone over and to be completely honest, I still wasn’t ready to give up my fear. I was afraid for her to come over because even though she was one of my best friends, I was still way too insecure. We drove her to our house and the whole drive I was freaking out. I knew that she didn’t care about this sort of thing and that she was the exact opposite of the girls who humiliated me. As I watched the trees rush by, the words “we’re just not the same” were ringing in my ears. I hadn’t thought about these words in months, but suddenly they were all flooding back to me. I was so incredibly nervous for the dumbest reasons. 

We ended up staying awake all night laughing together. At the end of the weekend, she said, “I had the best time with you”. Although this probably meant nothing to her, and she most likely doesn't remember it, her words were the clarity I needed to release my fear. As I waved goodbye, I realized that we would have fun no matter what. I discovered I was more than my house, more than my clothes, more than my possessions, and if people couldn’t see that, then that’s on them. The girl I was waving goodbye to liked me for who I am, and most importantly so did I.