I knew I shouldn't have been texting in school but the argument had been going on for weeks and I wanted it to end. I felt like no one understood my position and when I texted the one person I thought would support me he responded, “No, you were being mean to them too”. After receiving that text I knew it was the end of us. I was so hurt that he wouldn’t defend me against his friends who attacked me for no reason. It hurt because I would've never done this to him and he was supposed to be my “4lifer”. He was all I had in times when I felt completely alone and needed someone to count on. My mood brightened every time I received his text because he knew exactly what to say. I’d go to sleep feeling pleased in my life knowing we’d have a conversation the next day. I remember waking up at 6 am and not being able to get the situation out of my mind. I knew I had lost the person who I believed created my happiness.

 I spent those days anxiously waiting to have some closure, for an explanation, but it never came. I’ve never felt more lost in my life than in the days following our disagreement. I sat in my room feeling so angry at myself for letting this happen. I knew it wasn’t completely my fault, but I kept asking myself the question: “How could I let this happen?” There was no point in reaching out knowing it would just make the situation worse. Each night I found myself re-reading the texts exchanged during our argument. I regretted responding in the mean ways I did and began to tear myself apart. I  went through every aspect of my personality and looks to see if it was something about me that drove him away. I had other friends, but this one was the only one during my time of loneliness. I thought he would be there in case I had to go through that again. Now he pushed me back into loneliness. 

Weeks went by and to distract myself I developed what I called the “ yolo mindset”. I began to do things a 13-year-old should never do. Although the attention I got for doing these things wasn’t positive, it was still attention when I felt unseen and unacknowledged. I felt special doing those things, sort of a replacement for how I felt with that bond that was slowly disappearing. I wanted to feel seen again. 

After three months, I started to feel content about my current status with him. This was until my two best friends told me they wanted to terminate our friendship and expressed how they really felt about our friend group. I again grew really lonely. The endless nights I spent replaying our disagreement and blaming myself quickly started again. I was sick of it and knew I couldn’t put myself in that mindset again. If the boy I thought would be my friend forever could leave so quickly along with my 2 best friends, who else might do the same? I had wasted months worrying about things I didn’t have control over. So I focused on what I could control, my own goals and needs. I spent time with myself to understand there was nothing I could do to prevent the argument from happening. I was rebuilding the confidence that was stolen from me. I transformed my C average into A’s in most classes. I was able to rely on myself rather than others to validate my worth. I realized that by focusing on myself, I could create my own success and therefore my own happiness.