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He called me, “Peg Legs” and “Crippled.”
I dreaded every day of school and dropped out in my junior year.
I carried around toxic shame for years.
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. My mom went to church. The church we belonged to had strict rules. The move from a suburb to the country when I was in 5th grade was a dramatic change in my life. I moved from a hundred and five fifth graders in three classes to only 12 in my total class with both the 5th and 6th grade!
The spiral downward in my life began at that point when people started making fun of me for the way I walked. I inherited my mother's deformed feet. I had very high arches hammer toes and my ankles turned out with no support. The physical education teacher used to make me run around the gym so she could watch me run and make fun of me. There was a guy on the bus that I always tried to avoid because he called me, “Peg Legs” and “crippled.” I dreaded every day of school. I dropped out in my junior year.
When you internalize pain and live out of that, pain becomes toxic. It will affect the way you think and act about everything. I carried around toxic shame for years not feeling I was good enough for anyone or myself because of the way I walked and because of the guilt of divorce. Even as hard as I tried, I never felt I was good enough for God. I struggled inwardly all the time. The shame stayed with me.
We didn't attend church very often after we moved because we lived so far out in the country. I didn't really return to God until after I got married only to find my husband was not as interested in attending church. He became an alcoholic. There was a lot of verbal abuse during the marriage. He quit several jobs. His addictions became worse. He started using more drugs, stopped working and became violent at times, so the children and I left.
My church didn't believe in divorce and remarriage. I remarried quickly so I wouldn't feel the guilt or have anyone put guilt on me, only to find out what a mistake I had made in not waiting on God. I went to church with my girlfriend and was feeling so ashamed of my decision. My husband had left me two months after we were married. I closed my eyes during the service and opened my heart to God. When I did, I heard him speak to me. He said these words, "Whose child are you?" I said softly out loud, “I'm a child of the King.” He spoke with a loud clear voice and said, "Then you pull up a chair and sit at my table." I was never the same after that. I wanted to learn so much about the Lord. I started going to the ladies group and attending church. Then He began to use me. I've led several people to the Lord. One was my dad, who was saved two months before he died.
I still carried around the toxic shame for a number of years until finally one day I let go of it. I realized, “I'll never be good enough, no one is.” That's not what God wants. He just wants me to come to him anytime, anywhere, just as I am. Then I am at peace and He can teach me and use me. I raised my children on my own. I had three jobs at one time; small paying jobs. I was on food stamps a few times. But the lord always provided. I never thought I could get a house but I prayed and the Lord gave me a house on a government loan. I paid $200 down and got that back when I moved in. The owner paid for the closing costs and all that needed to be approved of before I moved in.
Later I was hired at a publishing company as a customer service representative. I didn't even think I could get that job. When my boss, the Customer Service Director got fired, the Marketing director called me into his old office one day, as I had been in there before, showing her some of things he did. She told me to have a seat. When I started to sit in a chair she said, “No, behind his desk!” I got his job! When she left, I started cutting and pasting, making flyers. I had never done anything like that in my life, and guess what! I got her job and his job!!! The Lord has used me in so many ways that I never thought possible.
My department closed after 14 years so I started my own business. I am now helping people in the marketplace to use their gifts for God. I still have the same feet but I don't have the shameful thoughts about them anymore. God can use anybody in any situation if you just let Him. All He wants is a willing heart. He will change situations and put you in places you never dreamed of. God doesn't remember our past sins. People do. But I believe the reason is so the Lord can show others how He has changed your life.
God doesn't want us to live out of shame or guilt. He wants us to live out of the gifts that He gave to us. We all have gifts from God! It's so much more rewarding letting Him use us. He gets all the praise for it. A quote I use often is, “I believe every person has exceptional gifts just waiting to be rewarded.”
So the next time you feel you're not good enough or you carry around guilt and shame for your past mistakes or even physical defects, let this be a reminder that God doesn't look at any of those things. He just looks at how much He loves you and at all the wonderful things that He can do in your life. He is a Gift Giver. GOD IS LOVE.
The more you embrace His peace and love, the more you will start seeing through new eyes and have hope for the calling in your life and find purpose. Don't worry about what it is. It will just happen. Just be you. Once you find God, He teaches you what love really is. You will learn to love yourself and let God love through you.
Everyone has something that they don't like about themselves; but the people who will accomplish more and are at peace, are the ones that let go of what they cannot change and what they regret. The Bible says, “TODAY IS THE DAY OF SALVATION.” Let this be the day of no more toxic shame, no more guilt, no more regrets. See what it feels like for one day. I guarantee, you will want to live the next and the next and next, the same way.
I had one person say to me, “I have faith in you.” That was huge for me. No had ever said anything like that to me before. And I never said it to myself. I never understood why I couldn't overcome and do things like other people. I always had that guilt feeling on the inside. But now after letting go and letting God take my pain and shame, I look forward to my dreams, working and living for God.
Whoever is reading this, I want to say this to you, “I have faith in you!” But even greater, our God created you and He has such awesome plans for your life. Much more than you could ever imagine!! Let God be your peace. Release any guilt or shame to Him. He is our peace. Even say out loud... “God is my peace!” And you can't think negatively when you think on these things as the scripture says, so practice thinking in this way. It will increase your faith. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
Be Free! John 8:36 so if the Son sets you free, you are truly free! And lastly begin to dream. Let the dream out of the box, (the guilt and shame box) and your gifts will make room for you to accomplish great things. Let God use you and be at peace. Proverbs 18:16 A man’s gift [given in love or courtesy] makes room for him; and brings him before great men.
Real Life Stories Christian Testimony Books
Jim and Carla Barbarossa
Phone: 219-762-7589
Email: jimbarbarossa7@gmail.com or jim@step-by-step.org
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