I Just Wanted to Feel Accepted the truth of life

I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania. I can always remember being in church. In fact, at age 13, I was saved at church. I liked going to church. I always felt it was the right thing to do. I also liked feeling accepted and being part of a group. I had a “good girl” image, and I wanted to live up to that. Being a “good girl” meant going to church. The world also had some things to offer. If cigarettes meant being popular, I tried cigarettes. If drinking could get me accepted, I tried drinking. There was always that fear of letting someone down. That, someone, was first of all God, then my family.

My father worked in a car factory, and my mother was a housewife. I had an older sister and a younger brother. My father was very strict, so I definitely did not want to get caught doing anything wrong. I had an aunt who lived in another town about 12 miles away. My sister and I used to love to stay at her house. My aunt and uncle would let us stay a couple of weeks in the summer or sometimes, the whole summer. They would spoil us, and we loved it. The summer I turned 13, I was staying at my aunt’s when I met Jim. We liked each other and hung out together over the summer. When school started back up, we broke it off. Two years later, Jim called to invite me to a post-prom picnic. I went, and we started dating. Dating was difficult because we went to different schools. We saw each other on weekends and when there was no school. Then we made a big mistake. We became sexually active. I remember at first I didn’t want to do it. I was so mad at myself when I gave in. I knew I couldn’t take it back. We had to sneak around to be together because once we started, we couldn’t stop. In 1972, I was 15 years old. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer. On September 23, 1972, my father died of cancer at the age of 41. Jim and I continued to date, and a year later we got engaged. Jim was two years older than I, and in 1973 he graduated from high school. He was enrolled at a computer school in Pittsburgh. He had relatives who lived in Indiana who worked at the Steel Mills. They raved about how much money they were making. So, Jim decided to go to Indiana for the summer and make some money. Once he got to Indiana, he liked it and decided to stay. After he was out there for a while, he got homesick and wanted us to get married sooner. I only had one year of high school left, and I wanted to. He asked me to marry him, saying I could finish school in Indiana. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I gave in and said, “Yes.”

Over the next year, I went through many emotions about marrying Jim because I was saved and he was not. I knew I had been pretty wishy-washy about being a Christian, but I still was concerned about marrying a non-believer. Jim found a church in Indiana that would marry us. That was hard, not only because I was saved and he was not, but also because we came from two different faiths. We were married on June 22, 1974. Before we got married, I told myself that I would pray and believe and that in a short while Jim would be saved. That short while turned into a long 19 years! A couple of years after we got married, I got serious about being a Christian. I still wanted to be that good girl and do the right things. I am glad that I never got addicted to alcohol or cigarettes. I would smoke and drink on and off to try to fit in, but I always felt guilty. Eventually, with the help of God, I quit smoking and drinking and never went back to it. Jim, on the other hand, was a drinker and a smoker. He went out with his friends a lot. Sometimes, he wouldn’t come home until 4 or 5 in the morning. We started a family after we were married 7 months. I did go to school here in Indiana, and I graduated. I became focused on our children and continued praying for Jim to get saved. Jim and I had four children - one daughter and three sons. I raised them in church. Jim never kept us from going to church. I praise God for that. At times it was hard because I didn’t think he would ever get saved. I remember once in 1980, he went out drinking and didn’t come home for two days. After that, he quit drinking and smoking. It was amazing, but he still didn’t get saved. The church I was attending started standing and agreeing with me for Jim to be saved. There were times when I would get on his case about being saved, and I knew I was just pushing him away. I tried to reach him by my lifestyle - Testimony Books. I did that by being the kind of wife and mother that God wanted me to be. That helped me to see that I didn’t need to seek man’s approval anymore. I only needed to have God’s approval. Finally, on March 21, 1993, Jim was saved. Praise God. I do praise God for saving my husband, and for getting me on track.

The hardest part of the story is that I committed all of these sins after I was saved. That bothers me so much, especially the premarital sex. I did repent, and I know I was forgiven because I John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I kept feeling guilty until I allowed Jesus to completely set me free. I was forgiven, but Satan tried to convince me that I wasn’t. Satan is a liar. Two years after we were married, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and it felt like God opened up my head and poured love through me. That really ushered me to a place of wanting to be set apart for God. It was a continuous process that brought me to where I am today. Life is full and complete with Jesus as my Savior. I do not want to live without Him. It is only because of Him that I am where I am. He is my everything. I love You, Jesus. I thank You, Jesus. I praise You, Jesus, for your Christian Testimonies to have heaven.