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There were indications of my father sexually abusing myself and my siblings.
I was always lonely.
I tried drinking to numb the pain.
I was searching for things to fill the hole in my heart, until...
My life started in 1961 in Forest Park, Illinois. My mom and dad lived there while my dad was in dental school. Shortly after my dad was out of dental school we moved to Michigan. He started his dental practice there. But it was short lived as we moved to Wheaton, Illinois just before I started kindergarten.
Around fourth grade my dad was witnessed to by a neighbor. He used the Four Spiritual Laws as his tool to show my dad his need for the Lord in his life. My dad grew up in a Reformed Church. My mom grew up in the Baptist church.
As my dad grew in the Lord he wanted to share this with his family, meaning his girls. I accepted the Lord into my heart in fourth grade. I remember peace coming into my heart. We as a family also started going to church.
As I grew older, there were indications of my father sexually abusing my siblings and myself. I do not remember any of it. I have blocked it out!
There was the constant illness that happened when I was younger. I could not put this behind me. It happened before I was five. You see, I kept getting recurring strep throats. It happened so many times that I had to get my tonsils and adenoids out before I went into kindergarten. This has always been in the back of my mind.
I was not putting God first and trying to fill the empty hole on the inside of myself. I was always lonely. I was searching for things to fill that hole in my heart. So I tried drinking to numb the pain, went into chat rooms, met guys from singles sites, had one night stands such as friends with benefits and got married twice. I kept doing the same things over and over again. I started going to Celebrate Recovery in November 2012. I started going because my husband at the time was going due to his DUI. I figured I could go to support him, but it turned out that I really needed it for myself. I found out that I was codependent. I liked it and was learning so much that I even signed up for the step group.
In this group, God really touched my heart and I realized He really did love me. I saw this through Deuteronomy 31:6, which was a verse in the study. This verse says that God will never leave you nor forsake you. This really touched my heart. I also heard the song Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North. This helped me to know that God loves me and this let me look at the rest of the stuff in my life.
With step group finishing and knowing I didn’t want to go backwards say into depression, etc. again, I then knew God wanted me to sign up for the School of the Supernatural. It was in this class that I continued to learn how much God loves us and wants a relationship with us. The love of our Father God is the best.
My first husband was verbally abusive and cheated on me. My second husband was a recovering alcoholic. He had tried several different times to stop drinking but could not. It got so bad that I could not trust him anymore. He had gotten a DUI. Then, after three years of not drinking, He started to drink again. He lost our car by getting into an accident. He called me, and I came to get him. He just left the car so he would not be caught with another DUI. He got my two boys involved with his drinking by having them help him get on his motorcycle when drinking. Several times, they found him passed out in the house when they got home from school. At my church my Pastor said that someone that keeps walking out on you (meaning a toxic person), this is God’s protection for you. He also said that if you were abused when younger, you will marry an abuser. These two comments really got me thinking. I can look at both of my marriages now and see that I had a moment before each one that God was talking to me, and He was saying don't do it. But I thought I knew better and went ahead with both marriages.
It was not until I started writing this story that God revealed some things to me. I remember my strep throats that I had when I was younger. God told me to “Google” strep throat and oral sex. This equals Gonorrhea. Gonorrhea can lead to kidney cancer, which my father died of when he was 38. I was 15 at the time. This is not solid proof of this happening, but I cannot look the other way either.
I have forgiven my dad and my two ex-husbands, along with forgiving myself. I can do this because God first loved me and forgave me. It is His love that keeps me going.
Father God has been there all along with me, and it has for sure been a journey. But with knowing Deuteronomy 31:6 (God will never leave you or forsake you), I can go on because my Father is with me.
Father God is the love of my life, my hope when there is none, and a constant in my life. I do not know where I would be without Him.
Friend, if you have dealt with any of the same issues I have dealt with, Father God will help you too! Just ask Him!
Real Life Stories Christian Testimony Books
Jim and Carla Barbarossa
Phone: 219-762-7589
Email: jimbarbarossa7@gmail.com or jim@step-by-step.org
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