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I grew up depressed, feeling unwanted and unloved.
A cycle of showing no love and affection had started in my family.
Family members sexually abused me.
I grew up not able to trust anyone.
I was angry at the world.
I was hit with a mystery illness.
I felt like giving up, until...
My life was never easy. My parents split up when I was three years old. This was actually a good thing because their relationship was crazy most of the time. They both had emotional pain, and they used alcohol to medicate themselves. They both had suffered sexual abuse when they were children, so drinking was their way of coping. When they drank, there was often fighting in the home. My dad would physically abuse my mother. It was very scary to see this happen. One day, my mother finally had enough. She left, taking myself and my three brothers with her. Unfortunately, life wasn't much better after she left him. She was bitter and depressed about having to raise us children by herself. There was never any love or affection shown to us. She blamed us for her miserable life and her drinking. We often had to hear how she had never wanted children in the first place, and this caused us to feel unwanted. My father wasn't much better. He ignored me and only paid attention to my brothers. He would claim I wasn't his child because he “only made boys.” I grew up depressed, feeling unwanted and unloved. All I ever wanted in life was to have true happiness.
The reason my mother never showed love was because she didn't know how to show love. Her mother was raised in a residential school from age 5 to 15 years old. These schools were places of physical and sexual abuse, so my grandmother grew up never knowing a parents love. She was raised in a strict, cold environment that no child should ever have to live in. When she finally left the school to start her own life, the damage had already been done. When she had children, she raised them in a strict, unloving home. She was only doing what she had learned from the residential school. A cycle of showing no love and affection had started in my family. I was determined if I had any children, I would show and tell them that they were loved and wanted every day.
Another cycle that continued in the family was sexual abuse. I found out when I was older that my parents and my grandmother had suffered from sexual abuse. I was sexually abused as well. The first time happened when I was just three years old. My mother was in the hospital having my youngest brother. My father's uncle was babysitting me. I remember bits and pieces of the abuse but mostly remember the physical pain. This wasn't the only time I had to endure sexual abuse. On different occasions throughout the years, other family members sexually abused me. I often wondered why this was happening to me. I felt alone with no one to turn to. These episodes of sexual abuse just added to my depression, which seemed to grow and grow as I got older. I grew up not being able to trust anyone. I was angry at the world. I often wished I wasn't born. I thought of suicide on occasion but never went through with it. I didn’t tell my mother until I was 12 years old. Even then, I never received any comfort or support from her. She was too busy wallowing in her own self-pity and alcohol, which added to my unhappiness.
When I turned 16 years old, I moved out to get away from her drinking. I had grown to resent it over the years. I was depressed but hopeful that the future might bring some happiness. I ended up drinking to numb my emotional and mental pain. I was doing the very thing I had despised, and this added to my depression. I ended up quitting high school and going to work to support myself. I started a great paying job at 21 years old. Finally, life seemed to be going good for me. Around the same time, I started the first of three serious relationships I had in my life. I didn't have much luck in my relationships. It seemed like I was always picking partners who had addiction issues, and they didn't want to work. I went through physical and verbal abuse from two out of the three relationships, which brought depression back into my life. I always ended up supporting my family. The only good thing to come from these bad relationships was my three children who I love dearly. Once I had my children, I got my drinking under control. I didn't want them to see their mother as an alcoholic. I tried to make our lives as normal as possible.
After working at the same place for over eighteen years, the company finally closed down. I was without a job. My last relationship was on the verge of ending because my partner didn't want to work. I had enough and kicked him out. His drinking and physical abuse had become worse and worse. I was now alone and raising my children by myself, but I was better off being alone. I sunk into depression again, and my back began to ache like never before. My doctor put me on pain pills, which became the beginning of my new addiction. When the doctor cut me off my prescription, I began buying pills off the street. I also began selling pills to make money. I hid my addiction from my children and tried to keep life as normal as I could. They never had to go without food and were never neglected. I made sure I never sunk that far down. After buying pills for two years, I had enough of living this way and being broke. I decided to go on methadone to get off the pain medication. Little did I know, I was starting a new addiction which would be the hardest to quit.
It was at this time I decided to go back to school and apply to college. I had always dreamed of going back to school someday. I worked hard and got the credits I needed then took the chance and applied to college. To my surprise, I was accepted to the college I had chosen. It seemed as though I was finally having some good luck for a change, but three months before school started I was hit with a mystery illness. I call it a mystery because the doctors couldn't find a cause for my symptoms. I started having migraines, lost hearing in my right ear, and had short term memory loss. I started school and realized I couldn't remember what I was learning. The doctor suggested I leave school until they found out what was wrong. I quit school but was so unhappy. I couldn't work or go to school. What good was I to anyone? I sunk into a deeper depression than ever before. Thoughts of suicide began to surface again, even worse than before. It seemed like whenever my life was going good, things would always take a turn for the worst. I felt like giving up, but I never did because I had my children to take care of. If it weren't for them, I shudder to think what I may have done to myself.
One Sunday morning, I was watching YouTube with my son. He was 7 years old at time. We came across a video that would change our lives. The video was about a young woman who had went to heaven and hell with Jesus. We watched the whole video, which was over an hour long. At the end, I was so convicted by what I had seen. I looked at my son and said, "I don't want to end up in hell." He agreed with me.
Right at this exact time, a preacher came on the TV, which no one was watching. He was shouting out, "If you want to accept Jesus as your savior, say this prayer." My son and I knelt down on the floor and repeated the prayer. Immediately, I felt a change. I could tell my son did as well. He seemed happier and content. I felt a heaviness come off my heart and felt hopeful. I decided I needed to find a church, and God led me to a spirit filled church which I still attend to this day, five years later.
Since accepting Jesus into my life, God restored the hearing in my right ear, the migraines are gone, and my memory is back on track. For the first time in my life, I feel loved. I feel true happiness. I built a relationship with the Lord, and it gets stronger as time goes on. He has set me free from 31 years of smoking, set me free from alcohol, and set me free from depression. My back has been healed. He has brought love, peace, and joy into my home. I wouldn't trade this for the world. I'm still on the methadone, but He has promised to free me from this as well. Everything is in God's perfect timing. He has healed my broken heart and mended my broken spirit. I grew up hearing from my mother that Jesus isn't for native people. This lie has been told to native people for generations. I now know the truth. He's for every tribe, tongue, and nation. Jesus is for us and not against us. He loves everyone with an everlasting love. He will never leave you or forsake you. When you enter into a relationship with God, your life will never be the same. He accepts you the way you are and doesn't turn anyone away. It doesn't matter what you've done or how bad you think you are. He is merciful and forgiving. Just invite Jesus into your heart, and you will find more happiness and love than you've ever known. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free!
I hope my story will encourage you to desire a relationship with the Lord, and realize how amazing and wonderful He truly is. He is a loving, forgiving Father, waiting for you with open arms. Come to Him, and find the peace and love that is waiting for you. I'm living proof that His love is real and available to everyone who asks for it. Come as you are, and let the Lord transform your life for the better. He's a God of second chances and new beginnings. I've never been happier than I am now, thanks to the Lord. May this story bless you and encourage you to take the next step to happiness.
Real Life Stories Christian Testimony Books
Jim and Carla Barbarossa
Phone: 219-762-7589
Email: jimbarbarossa7@gmail.com or jim@step-by-step.org
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