Various Jokes for Pet Lovers.
Dogs & Talent
A man brings his dog into a talent agent's office, looking for work. "I have a talking dog," says the man, "Can you get us some gigs?" "Maybe," says the scout, "Show me what you got."
The guys says to the dog, "What’s on the top of a house?" The dog replies: "Roof!"
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog.
The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office and onto the street while ranting, "What a coupl'a charlatans. Get outt'a here... and don't ever come back!"
As they walk away, the man with his hands in his pockets and head hung low, the dog gives him a sideways glance and says, "Gee... think I should'a said 'Willie Mays'?!?"
Talking Dog for Sale
A man sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The man goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable assets eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out though, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Found a mate, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The man says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
Dogs & Cats
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - OOOOOOOOOH. BATH.... BUMMER!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must
try this on their bed.
DAY 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 186
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still
stuck between my teeth.
DAY 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I
could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the
glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.
DAY 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The
bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....
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