Medicine... Life... etc.
Pet Diagnostics
A man rushes his unconscious parrot into the nearest Vetinary Clinic, screaming for help. The vet hurridly takes him back to an examination room and has him put the bird down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his parrot, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a Tabby cat, and puts the cat down next to the parrot's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the parrot's body and finally looks at the vet, and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your parrot is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his parrot is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the dog thinks your parrot is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my parrot is dead?!?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."
The History of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
Healthcare Variations
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics in the United States, with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, gets an x-ray the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting two weeks for an appointment, then waits four weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another 2 weeks, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.
Direction of Life Sucks...
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.
Life Span
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you....