Humor

Some Fun Bits

I'm no expert, but I do believe that laughter is very healing... hope you get some here.

expert (ek'spûrt) n. - "x" is an unknown factor, "spurt" is a drip under pressure.

:-)

"To do is to be" -Socrates 

"To be is to do" -Plato 

"Do-be-do-be-do" -Sinatra

"Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching."

-- Dogbert's Motto

Gender Impressions

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: 

Compliment her, 

cuddle her, 

kiss her, 

caress her, 

love her, 

stroke her, 

tease her, 

comfort her, 

protect her, 

hug her, 

hold her, 

spend money on her, 

wine & dine her, 

buy things for her, 

listen to her, 

care for her, 

stand by her, 

support her, 

go to the ends of the earth for her....

 HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 

Show up Naked... with Beer.

Interfaith Dialog

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican.  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.  The Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community.  If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jews realized they had no choice.  They chose a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them.  Moishe asked for one addition to the debate - to make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.  The Pope reluctantly agreed.

The day of the great debate came.  Moishe and the Pope sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.  Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.  The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.  Moishe pointed at the ground where he sat.  The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.  Moishe pulled out an apple.  The Pope stood up and said, "I give up.  This man is too good.  The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.  The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers, representing the Trinity.  He held up one finger to remind me there was still one God common to both our religions.  Then I waved my fingers around to show him that God was all around us.  He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.  I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.  He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.  He had an answer for everything!  What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.  "What happened?" they asked.  "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that we had three days to get out.  I told him that not one of us was leaving.  Then he said the whole city would be cleared of Jews.  I told him we were staying right here."  "And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe.  "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

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Living In Heaven & Hell

• Heaven is where:

  • The Lovers are Italian,

  • The Chefs are French,

  • The Mechanics are German,

  • The Police are British,

  • And Everything is Organized by the Swiss.

• Hell is where:

  • The Lovers are Swiss,

  • The Chefs are British,

  • The Mechanics are French,

  • The Police are German,

  • And Everything is Organized by the Italians.

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding

A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"

The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."

The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world."

The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."

The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."

The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!"