Lawyers... Politics... Government... etc.
I'm a fairly liberal person, and usually vote Democrat, so, as usual...
Take what you like and leave the rest.
;-)
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll get you disbarred!"
A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer were all traveling together and came upon an Inn with only two available rooms. The Innkeeper said that one of them must volunteer to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteered but two minutes later there was a knock at the door. The Hindu Priest said "I can not sleep in the barn because there is a cow there."
The Rabbi then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was another knock at the door. The Rabbi returned saying "I can not sleep in the barn because there is a pig in there."
The lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.
A lawyer and a beautiful blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, had a sh** on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed, that was brilliant.
I lived in Austin TX for a while, doing the usual single guy things, and took the opportunity to see as much of the State's natural beauty as I could while I was there. I've always been a Democrat, so Austin suited me pretty well, but as for the rest of Texas, well....
Anyway, I was travelling in West Texas, out past San Angelo, to visit a State Park recommended to me, and had decided to take a scenic route, off the beaten path. I eventually found myself on a dusty two-lane track in the middle of nowhere, between no-place and nothing... when my car stalled and would not start again.
It was close to the peak of Summer, but fortunately it was early enough in the morning that the heat was not very oppressive. The bad news was I had no cell-phone coverage. I was hopeful that someone would come along before too long and give me a hand. Traffic had been pretty light however.
I waited a while and finally saw a dust swirl heading my way, indicating an approaching vehicle.
A nice looking sedan pulled up and the driver rolled down the window. "Need a ride?", he asked. "Yes!", I replied. "What's your politics?", he asked. "Democrat!", I said enthusiastically. The driver sped off as he rolled up his window, leaving me in a cloud of dust.... WTF?
It seemed like an hour before another car came along, and now it was starting to heat-up a bit. This time it was an old pickup truck. The same exchange ensued, and we go to: "What's your politics?", he asked. "Democrat", I said somewhat hesitantly. He too sped off, leaving me in a cloud of dust.
It seemed like yet another hour or more before the next car came along. It was getting near noon, and there was no relief from the heat. As the car pulled up next to me I could not believe my luck. It was a drop-dead gorgeous blond woman in a red Corvette convertible with the top down.
"Need a ride?", she breathed in a sultry voice. "Yes!", I stammered. "What's your politics?", she cooed, eyeing appreciatively me over the top of her sunglasses with her crystal blue eyes. "Republican!", I blurted out. "Hop in", she said, "I can give you a hand." I thanked her profusely as I got in and explained my situation. She knew of a place not too far away that could help me out.
As we sped down the road I began to take in my driver a bit more. She was wearing a very light and low-cut summer dress. Her long blonde hair tossing about in the breeze. Beads of sweat were glistening on her ample cleavage. The wind was causing the hem of her dress to ride up on her long and shapely legs. The whole scene was really getting to me.
After a brief pause in the conversation I leaned over towards her and said, "You know, I've been a Republican for only five minutes and already I want to Fuck somebody!"