stuff
Daily Dose of Doggerel or, stuff you wish you hadn't seen.
This is just stuff that I wrote, frequently in response to stupid stuff I read.
============== How's your day?
Another day, another dollar,
this crummy market makes me holler
my life savings, my family’s wealth
and with it goes my fragile health.
Dow Jones mocks my every move,
my financial wealth does not improve.
The nasdaq too falls like a shot,
and with it takes, my oft dreamt yacht.
The S & P and Russell too
seem as if they had the flu.
While oil and gas, and land and gold,
Those are what, last year I sold.
I want to scream and cry and shout
what is this market all about?
I wish I may, I wish I might
See all my stocks go up tonight.
Tis not to be, at least not lately.
Their grand decline appears quite stately.
A dollar here, a quarter there,
soon I’ll not have a shirt to spare.
Visions of when I was a kid
and down the hill, on snow I slid
gay and happy, and out of school
unaware at all of just how cruel
Life could be, in my old age.
All those years, my working wage
hardly won, and carefully saved
the road to my retirement paved
only to see, like the Goodyear blimp
as gas escapes, just going limp
my whole future, all my dreams
evaporating, with dying screams.
My golden years, my dream vacations
to distant lands, exotic locations
are leaving in a puff of smoke
was life really just a joke?
So how’s your day, ya feelin’ grand?
What’s the future you have planned?
Ya workin’ hard, savin’ your pennies,
Hoping next year they’ll turn into twenties?
Yeah, sure, okay, I guess they may
Don’t always happen but then hey
you may be different, you may be lucky
and not wallow in a pig pen, mucky
So go ahead, work all your life
through all the sweat, and tears and strife.
Buy your stocks and bonds and futures
but don’t lose your portfolio sutures
To keep it together, happy and growing
with Walmart, Google, ML and Boeing
and GM and Yahoo and Honda and Ford
and maybe some Nissan also on board.
So have a good day, really quite grand
in fact, they ought to strike up the band
to cheer you on, make you happy,
(that’s the end of this tale, so sappy).
==============
Asteroids, Dinos, and Aiiieeeeee.
You should be careful, what you say,
because on one bright summer day
a meteor may come your way.
Out of the blue when least expected
a real huge rock may be directed
and to it’s wrath, you’ll be subjected.
Just like the dinosaurs before you
who really hadn’t the slightest clue
and whose fine world was blown askew.
It’s really quite a rare event
when to the earth, destruction’s sent
and new life starts it grand ascent.
To every life, there is a season
and rarely is there a good reason
nor are there ratings done by Neilson.
But life on earth while pretty nice
there comes a time to pay the price
and well you might take my advice
and make your peace with your Creator
‘cause if you wait until it’s later
the place you’re standing may be a crator
and by that time, it’ll be too late
the comet will have sealed your fate
no matter if you feel irate.
The fireworks will be quite grand
oh no, it won’t be at all bland
you’ll get to see it all, firsthand.
Last it was the dino’s turn
to rule the land from stem to stern
till the comet put them in the urn
that then allowed mammals to
ascend the heights and to debut
a new order, with me and you
at the apex, or so it seems
taking the planet to new extremes
with our dreams and selfish schemes
till now just look at what we’ve done
blanketed the earth so that the sun
will heat the sea, it’s well begun
and now the likes of you and me
from drought and storm, and quake will flee
like callus folk, the bourgeoisie.
I wonder which will get us first
hurricane’s surge, or desert’s thirst
though a comet’s surely the worst.
To rain destruction, fire and doom
and turn our future into gloom
the planet we’ve spoiled will be our tomb.
So say goodbye to those you love
there’ll be no peace or shining dove
the world will surely be rid of
those who’ve despoiled her bounteous face
her beautiful plains, and magnificent space
and finally it’s time to replace
the thoughtful species, the planning test
will soon expire, with all the rest
who ruined the place, with zeal and zest.
So look at the sky, watch for the star,
asteroid or comet coming from afar
the whole world it’ll likely char
and put an end to this desecration
this spoiling of the Lord’s creation
by wiping out the population
and making way for a species new
to inhabit this wondrous planet blue
Hmmm, will it be, a kangaroo?
Lin Lyons
==============
Bush Blues
He ain't been workin on the railroad. or much else that's good.
I been workin on the tax cuts, all my White House day.
I been workin on the death tax, tryin to make it go away.
Takin money from the poor folks, is the way to go,
they don’t even see it leaving, billions don’t you know.
Cheney is da man
doin all he can,
of morals there’s a dear-r-rth.
Chevron’s getting rich
selling oil which
is messing up the earth.
Daddy’s trying to leave me millions, in the family will.
I been workin with the congress, tryin to pass the tax cut bill.
We don’t want to have to share it, with the ones we fleeced
taking oil from the forest, on U. S. land we leased.
Thievery is the way,
from the USA,
poor folks ain’t got a prayer.
They think they’ll be rich,
and pay the death tax which,
just keeps the country fair.
Now the liberals got elected, power they will flaunt.
Health and fixing social security, is what the liberals want.
Don’t know where they get their money, poor folks ain’t got none,
Cause I bumped up all their taxes, golly that was fun.
We got my tax cuts goin
Now my fortune’s growin
Bigger ev-ery day-y-y
Dicky says I’m right,
Rove is a delight
Greed’s the White House way.
Sa-ddam sort’a fooled my daddy, over in I-raq
So I sent the U.S. army, now the liberals want ‘em back,
But the job’s not really done there, got to Stay The Course
Got to tell the true believers, I’ll stay on this dead horse.
The church is on my side
even though i lied
to get us in this war.
Now we're getting shot,
it's not part of the plot,
and there ain't no exit door.
Lin Lyons
==============
Island Evolution
When animals get really stranded
on an island where they landed
and they multiply unchecked
there’s an interesting affect
then, it’s smaller, that they grow.
Because food often does run low
those who require less to eat
are better able to compete.
But what I wonder when I read
and I think you will concede
the Galapagos tortoise larger kin
quite a giant, must have been.
That enormous giant tortoise
must have been a turtle-saurous
and when she laid her saurous egg
was it longer than a giraffe’s leg?
And turtle soup, oh what a feast
I’m sure that it would feed at least
a group, a clan, a whole town
why maybe even Churchill Down.
Now this is silly, but it’s true
smaller forms from large ones grew
many times, in many places
when isolated on island spaces.
So don’t question, or even doubt,
shrinking’s not what it’s all about
many animals followed the same progression
and dinosaurs are no exception.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
How's school today?
If you read history you will learn
how schools teach, is your concern
and if your kids turn out real dumb
then highly paid, they won’t become.
‘cause in this world, the more you know
will really help your mind to grow
whereas if your school you skip
just because you think it’s hip
then you will find yourself behind
and presumably you’ll not mind
if next year, like every lout
they wrap you up, and kick you out.
Learning is the future’s key
if a success, you’d like to be
so study hard and read your books
and disregard the dirty looks
that losers give to those who work
because they think you are a jerk.
There’ll come a time, and fairly soon
your education will be a boon
and earn a job to be the boss
when all the rest are at a loss
to earn a buck to pay the rent
‘cause being cool, ain’t worth a cent.
Lin Lyons 2006
============== Daily Dose of Doggerel
Evolution’s tail.
You and I, and all the rest
are here because we are the best
at killing off our competition,
driven by our blind ambition.
Our DNA, I’m sad to say
uses us in a frightful way
to reproduce (it’s not obtuse)
to make more of it, I do deduce.
And one fine day, in some small way
a nucleotide seems to go astray
and attach it self in the wrong place
(it’s really, mind you, a disgrace).
And rarer yet, that new location
provides you or me a good mutation
and gives us the ability
to increase our fertility.
And pretty soon, under the moon
our family will sing a brand new tune.
We’ll have more kids and they’ll grow bigger
and crowd out the rest, with new found vigor.
Or maybe we will find the key
to living on land, instead of the sea.
With all that space, we’ll find a place
to raise our children, full of grace.
==============
Bird flu? Who cares.
The new bird flu
might visit you,
and if it do,
you'll be real blue.
it ain't much fun
'cause when it's done
you will not need
no hot dog bun
you'll be real dead
that's what i said,
your ashes will be,
on your yard spread.
your beloved pc
you will agree
won't help you much
despite your plea.
you'll be defunct,
your existence junked
your remains will be
in a hole plunked.
Laugh all you want
that flu you taunt
will sure come back
your corpse to haunt.
So laugh away
and be real gay
when flu gets here,
you'll be passe.
There's some who say
that we're all way
too worried, and
we needn't pray.
But soon we'll see
what the future'll be
and who gets planted
under the oak tree.
planning will be key
you're not interested we see
someone may miss you,
but it won't be me.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
Global Warming?
It’s getting warm, it’s getting hot.
Some here think it’s all a plot.
Liberals say we’ve gone to far,
and now you need to junk your car.
Park your car, get on a bike.
Or use your feet to take a hike.
Walk to work, it’s good for you.
Gasoline, you must eschew.
But cons reply, Please tell me why
you’re making all this hue and cry
there’s nothing wrong, we’re all fine
in fact our country’s just divine.
Jobs are up, and taxes down,
and all you do is moan and frown.
True it’s warming, but we conclude,
that we’ll be growing far more food.
Is that a problem, that’s really bad
it sure seems to make you mad.
We’ll grow more rice corn and wheat
And all will have enough to eat.
But don’t you see, that’s just not so
‘cause it takes rain for crops to grow.
And places that are now just right
will turn to desert, over night.
Because the weather’s really fickle,
farmers’ll be in quite a pickle
too much sun, to little rain,
it’ll really be more than a pain.
But then again, it could be worse
this warming just might be the curse
that tips the balance, upsets the cart,
that glacial melt could be the start
Of global cooling, wind and snow
and temp’s worse than 20 below.
The gulf stream is a fragile thing
and melting glaciers could well bring
A new ice age to this green land
let me tell you, it won’t be grand
to see that ice some two miles high
cover Montana in the blink of an eye.
The gulf stream you see really critical
and this debate shouldn’t be political
If it fails, and just stops running
the world effects will be quite stunning
The lack of heat, in northern states
will leave them in most dire straits
Folks will all leave, they’ll have to go
South of the border, down to Mexico.
What happens then, what will we do
will border guards allow us through
To change their culture, take their jobs,
You know they think we’re really snobs.
(2b continued zzzzz...)
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
Foorprints--dinos & men
Foorprints--dinos & men, Oh My
What’s that in front of my cave, passing by
I hope it’s not hungry, gee, oh why
in this shallow cave, with my wife did I
hide with my dinner all juicy and smelly
(I really did need some food in my belly)
I’ll admit that I’ve been a terrible sinner,
but I don’t want to end up as a dino dinner.
The ground is a shakin
that dino’s sure takin’
his sweet time passin’ by
this just could be goodbye.
OH WHAT, where am I
in bed, thank goodness, my
nerves were about to give out
and the neighbors pro’ly heard me shout
that dinos were chasing me
past that old pine tree
into the cave, in the dark
when I was supposed to be on Noah’s ark.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
-- Where Did Dinosaurs come from --
Where did dinosaurs come from
Just can’t wait to ask the dumb
They seem to think dinos may be
younger than a bristlecone tree.
That people drew their pictures on
the walls behind their cave front lawn
and maybe then they frolicked in
the lake with all the dinos kin.
Appears to be your limited vision
To limit yourself seems a poor decision
but if it upsets the world you’d like to see
I guess that’s what you need it to be.
Fossils and science and geology
seem to much for your technology
a simpler explanation you think viable
would be to just go read your Bible.
It tells all that you need to know
we wouldn’t want your horizon to grow
beyond what seems to you apropos
to be in your book, 2000 years ago.
When most thought the earth was flat
and was the center or everything that
existed, and people were here to
give God all that He was due.
Earth air water and fire were
what made everything, including myrrh
And people only need to read
the Good Book, in order to succeed
In attaining their eternal life
well that, and being good to the wife,
and God would come to usher them in
to the pearly gates of his heaven.
Now we don’t want to burst your bubble
And cause you all strife and trouble
but there are some seem to think
you ought to go and see a shrink.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
Dedicated to some of the brilliant minds here.
(Or is 'burnt out bulbs' more apt?)
You know who you are. (well, maybe not.)
Do you like to cuss
at the likes of us
is that the limit
of your imagination
do you have no brain
did you leave it in the rain
did forget it down
at the railroad station
does it hamper your style
when your head contains a pile
of the remnants of
a cranium castration.
do you run into a tree,
are you outwitted by a flee
when you venture out
in this great nation.
Then you’re in the perfect place
when you show your face
on the yahoo boards
to display your aberration
‘course you could just leave,
no-one here would grieve
if we didn’t have to view
your obvious retardation.
We’re all sorry that
your intellect’s so flat
your parents both think
you’re a family aberration.
Well we hope that’s true
and that you’re not deja vous
that you’re not the peak
of your family’s adulation.
-- to be continued --
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
"The Working Poor Blues" (to the tune of Turkey in the Straw)
Oh, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer
in this great country that’s run by der fuhrer,
to the East jobs are heading, and poverty’s a spreading
And our president is the world’s biggest perjurer.
My, tongue is a gapin, and my belly button’s scrapin
On my backbone now, and today ain’t shapin,
up t’fix my pocket book, and just one look
will tell you that there ain’t no escapin.
Oh, poverty’s a drag, it’ll make you gag
To see how far behind Bill Gates you lag,
Why I ain’t got a cent, for to pay the rent
And my dinner comes from a doggy bag.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
Do your taxes seem to make you ill?
Does the IRS inspire your heart burn pill?
Do you think your politicians should all be shot?
Does writing that IRS check make you really hot?
Well, here’s the answer, don’t you pay.
Save all your money for a rainy day.
Tell those Revenue agents to just go away,
Cause you’re just not payin’ any more today.
Let’s borrow a few trillion from Asia
They got lots, why it’ll just amaze ya
They’re rollin’ in dough, cause we all shop
At the big box store that sells their slop.
Hey, not to worry, just borrow on credit
just keep on building our debt and let’it
make our future so bright and rosy
That we’ll all stay home and feel real cozy.
The debt will get so high I bet
we’ll all break out in a real cold sweat
and the market’ll crash, it’ll really smash
why there won’t be enough for petty cash
You’re doing real well, we can tell
The debt don’t seem to ring an alarm bell
You just don’t see that there will be
a price to pay for your shopping spree
The dough you spent, that you didn’t make
From the next generation, you will take
To go buy rice, would be real nice
but you won’t be able to pay the price
you’ll be out in the yard, looking for food,
anything you think that might be stewed.
And stave off hunger, make you feel
not so starved, hey a potato peel
would be just great
Get up so high, it’ll reach the sky
When your kids say bye
---not done yet, obviously.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
More school.
You must consider this,
your thinking is amiss,
In that there is no bliss,
Get out of school.
Our kids don’t need your story,
Your thinking’s kind of hoary
ID’s not a real story.
This ain’t April fool.
The teachers think you’re dumb,
your mind must be real numb,
go ‘way and suck your thumb,
Wipe up your drool.
We’re teaching evolution
That’s really the solution
We want no mind pollution
Darwin’s really cool.
Education’s our main aim.
Go 'way with your mind-game,
It is a stupid claim,
Go preach in Istambul.
Our schools are really great
religion’s not in debate
Go home with all your freight,
Jump in your swimming pool.
High school’s a place of learning,
for knowledge kids are yearning,
Good grades they will be earning,
When they know you’re a fool.
Dover’s no backward town
They shot their school board down
Replaced the local clown
Who was religion’s tool.
Then Kansas did pop up
To ID they said yup
In ignorance they'd sup,
Bowing to Robertson’s rule.
In Georgia you did find,
Some thought we were designed
By some ethereal mind
An idea from their church school
That was eventually sunk
It was a bunch of bunk
to toss out with the junk
and send to the cesspool.
Is that the end this
We might well reminisce
and send to the abyss
this mind bending toadstool.
We wish you'd go away
Back to your church to pray
and there we hope you'll stay
‘Cause here you are uncool.
Lin Lyons 2006
==============
When you’re out, hunting for quail,
you better stay on a well worn trail.
If Cheney’s about, and has his gun,
you might find your self with the urge to run.
Don’t forget to wear track shoes,
they might come in handy, so you won’t lose
When Cheney takes aim, if you’re in luck,
there’ll be something near, maybe a duck.
But whatever you do, watch out that you
don’t get lost, way out in the bayou
Cause Dick don’t need no hunting stamp
So you’d do well to head out’a his camp.
Unless, of course, you were thinking Kevorkian
And you’re getting close to an octogenarian
You can save your heirs a fair sum
by wandering round the front of Chaney’s gun.
But you gotta watch out, they can’t collect
your insurance
If the VeeP should entice you, just quietly invite you,
if you’re a friend he might, you should abstain,
stay close to home, no don’t you roam
‘tis far better to be alone, than wander on the plain,
your health I implore you to retain
from hunting with the VeeP, you should abstain.
Don’t ask whether he, has paid his license fee
He don’t need one, no siree, not Bush’s brain,
out for a day of hunting play
The caged quail quakes, when a bead he takes
out by the lakes, then he takes aim,
our hunting VeeP, of oil fame.
He’s out to get, a prime target
(he’s not a vet, that’s not germane),
but take a shot, on the back lot
you just cannot, watch with distain
our grand vice president shoot some mundane
republican lawyer and cause chest pain.
The pellets flew, when the bead he drew,
a quail to slew, but fate did ordain
that lawyer’s fate we would debate
a turn would take in quite great pain
==============
Redneck doggerel
Red rover, red rover,
let Georgie come over,
There’s lies to be told
and WMDs to behold.
While down here in Crawford
we’re drivin our old ford
to the park over yonder
where we all might ponder.
The trailer to sell
out next to the well,
and guns to be shot
to fill up the pot
And school to be missed
‘cause, well we jist
thought we’re not yearnin
for no more book learnin.
But up there’s the still
that we surely will
be patiently lookin
to watch what’s a cookin
and listen for the sound
of foot steps on the ground
‘cause we’re ready to run
from the revenuers gun
and visit uncle Charlie
who’s a good crop of barley
that makes the best beer
to bring us some cheer
to help wipe the tears
we’ll be drinkin the beers
and hope next year’s still
cooks some mighty fine swill.
While we’re watchin the races
all fat in our places
high up on the hill
"Oh look, there’s Jake’s still"
Let’s go over and see
if there just might be
a flask or a jug
that the ugly old pug
might part with today
not that we’ve much to pay
for down here in the South,
we live, hand to mouth.
But down here we say
y’all should stay away
or we’ll get our gun
an you better run
or we nominate Bush’s cousin
for pres, he’ll be runin
and he’s even dumber
than the local number
that you all elected
to boss the most respected
country. Well the boob
sunk it down the toob
To the lowest lever
of respect that ever
the U-Nited States,
what ever it’s fates
Had ever been seen.
The world wasn’t too keen
to see us be vote’ns
for no mo repokins
they’d so riled up al Quada
that the world, just inside’a
four years had decided
the U.S. was misguided,
And elected a dingbat
to be pres, and all that.
What he did to the nation
to our consternation
was steal all our money
while him and his honey
and his buddy Rummy
got really chummy
with his Saudi buddies
and stash all the moneys
he saved on his taxes
while you’re workin your axes
off, down at the wall mart
(you don’t need to be smart)
But make sure that while
you see customers, smile
or you’ll have a bad morning
when, without any warning
you’ll get your pink slip
Don’t give ‘em no lip
just walk out of the store
and don’t come back no more
they don’t want to see
no more of thee.
So have a nice day
we’re glad to say
we hope that you’ll be
all right, you see
we do understand
you’ll be in demand
the army we hear
has openings this year.
Lin Lyons 2006
===============
As we get old, it should be told
sometimes we miss, we are remiss
to send a card, from the old bard
to let us say, on that special day.
That we are glad that we have had
a brother who’s as smart as youse
we’re quite impressed, the family’s blessed
we’re really glad you’re with us Brad.
But can it be, you’re fifty three.
Oh wait, I’m late that’s not the date.
My gosh, I fear that was last year
why this time you’re at fifty four.
And my, oh my, they go whizzing by
not nearly like when we were just ten
and every year, it was quite clear
would take forever to disappear.
So happy birthday, it’s not a doomsday
you’ll make it through, it’ll be a good day
and let me say, from my perspective
that now you’ve got a new objective.
All this year, you should contrive
to work and play, and stay alive
and if you’re lucky, you’ll arrive
at next year’s goal -- fifty five.
Sorry. Maybe next time I’ll start sooner.
All the more to subject you to.
Lin. 7/12/2006
=============
Roses are red, violets are blue
I’d rather be dead, than listening to you.
Violets are blue, roses are read
sometimes I think, I’d rather be dead.
Tree leaves are green, flowers are yellow,
keep walking by, don’t say hello.
Flowers are yellow, tree leaves are green,
seems that today, I’m keen to be mean.
Tree stumps are brown, poppies are orange,
no there’s no rhyme in the English language.
Poppies are orange, tree stumps are brown
and reading this stuff, sure makes me frown.
Daylight is white, nighttime is black
please will you cut me a wee bit of slack,
Nighttime is black, daytime is white
and now it is time, to bid y’all goodnight.
Lin Lyons 8/29/06
=============
When it rains, it pours, in Cherrapunji
when it rains, it pours,
better check your doors.
cause if they're open you'll surely get
more than just a little wet.
rain's not a mist or drizzle or drip
the rain is really quite a trip
to see it come just flooding down,
on the world below, as if to drown.
it doesn't just make a bit of mud,
but instead creates an awesome flood.
for days on end, there is a trend
for it to rain, without an end.
but 6 months later, it is quite dry.
the weather really has gone awry
it starts in June, and stops by September,
now that'd be a vacation to remember.
but as for the thrust of this assignment,
it could bear a bit of refinement,
when it rains, it pours, in Cherrapunji town
the wettest place, the world around.
11/21/06
=============
When you look up, and see a star
you know that it is very far
how far it is, is hard to say
but it really is a very long way.
Up in the sky, they shine and twinkle,
but inside, they're no rip van winkle
the fire inside is really hot,
a place for people, it's really not.
They heat the planets and other things,
circling round, like Saturn’s rings.
They turn the night to blazing day
and scare the midnight dreams away.
They hold the planets, and comets and such
like a gigantic heavenly rabbit clutch.
With their immense gravitational force,
they’ll not allow, a solar divorce.
They shine their starry beacon light
far out into the galaxial night
attracting from the worlds afar
beyond the shiny bright blue star
A ship, containing a vicious alien
he's likely not Episcopalian
to come and colonize our watery world
and plant his flagstaff, all unfurled.
Now we don't want to worry or fret
let's not all work up a sweat
he might like a warmer climb
Venus might just be sublime
Or maybe he's a real romantic
(Saturn's rings are quite gigantic)
we could hope and just suggest
there he might find an alieness.
lin lyons 1/2/2007
=====================
To my favorite teacher.
please don't leave, don't go away.
all of your students want you to stay.
if you leave, we'll be so sad
if you change your mind, we'll be really glad.
it's not that school is our favorite thing,
but to our class you really do bring
a smidge of knowledge, a bit of fun
and to your class, some did run
to see what we might learn today
what gem of wisdom you had to say
we brought our homework, sometimes done
other times sadly, barely begun.
when we come back from out summer respite
we'll all miss you, we really should say it
your smiling face, and disposition,
to this school, you're a great addition.
so please won't you just reconsider,
we sure hope there isn't a higher bidder
we like you, we want you, this is the place
that most appreciates your smiling face.
lin lyons, 2008
=================
I think the tune is turkey in the straw.
Oh-h here comes a hummer
And it really is a bummer
Using all that oil,
Our environment to spoil.
Just a running down the road,
Dumping quite a load
Of C-O-2
That smells like poo.
Oh that S-U-V
That is passing me
Is a heading for the market
Getting’ food for ba-by
It’s exhaust is really stinky
And do ya really think-ee
That they need that big a car
For the baby food jar.
Then they drive down to the mall
Just to bring home quite a haul
Of underwear from Penny’s
And a doggie bag from Denny’s
When they stop at the red light
Do you think the guzzler might
Burn up as much fuel
As the whole high school
Oh, the Chevrolet Suburban and the Caddy Escalade
To mess up our environment were really made
And the Ford Expedition and theTahoe too
Are messing up the earth and making quite a stew.
There’s the Lincoln Navigator and the QX-56
Just to think of ‘em all it’ll make you sick
And Toyota Sequoia you’d have to agree
Is as far as you can get from a redwood tree.
-2b continued - or not. getting tired. lin lyons, 2008
lin lyons, 2008
=================
el nino
Have you heard of el nino
It makes it rain, it makes it snow,
It makes the weather really wild
And winter’s often really mild.
It’s called the southern oscillation
It messes with weather o’er all creation
It makes the water off Ecuador hot
While over near Indonesia, it’s not.
‘98 was a really hot year
In fact the heat was so severe
50 thousand souls went up to heaven,
4 times more than in ‘97
But what is this of which I speak
What makes the temperature peak
What drives that heat and snow and rain
That some folks think is such a pain.
It’s like a see-saw in the Pacific Ocean
A water event that sets in motion
A weather swing, a glorious thing
The snow pack makes the farmers sing
All over California farmers shout
And hoot and holler and dance about
O glory be, it’s about time
The sierra snows will be sublime
Water restrictions are finally over,
We’ll grow our fruit and wheat and clover
For several years, we’ve had it rough
Finally there’ll be water enough
To flood our fields and grow our rice
Oh my, it will be so nice
To worry about what crops to sell,
And not about our parched dry well.
Our oranges will be full and sweet
And even through the summer’s heat
We’ll water more, turn up the flow
And in the fall, our grain we’ll mow.
But what’s the difference, what is this
el nino that brings the farmers bliss
does all the world appreciate
the snow that we accumulate
alack alas, it’s not to pass
to say they did would be rather crass
el nino’s cause a hurricane
from southern Florida way up to Maine
but what about, what happens when
el nino stops, what happens then
ah ha, that’s good, I’m glad you asked
because that’s been our recent past.
la nina reigns, that’s not good either
it seems we never get a breather
Drought and fires and devastation
Beset our tired weary nation.
But that was then, and this is now
It’s time I stopped and took a bow
And leave us all a time to think
Because my printer’s out of ink.
Lin Lyons 2010
=================
Global warming, To the tune of Jesus Loves Me.
Global warming just ain't so
Cause the bible tells me so
Skeptics are God's chosen ones
Warmers are weak but we are strong.
Yes Limbaugh tells me
And fox news sells me
Beck is their bright star
we can see he's under par.
Oh my lord it’s getting hot
This seems like a liberal plot
To confuse what we’ve been told
That it’s really getting cold.
Yes Limbaugh tells me
And fox news sells me
emails show it’s all a lie
When will this stuff go bye bye.
Sara Palin's joined the group,
saying warming is just poop
if you’re Alaskan you should know,
coal and oil's the way to go.
Yes Limbaugh tells me
And fox news sells me
Bill wants to know why,
Runs the show like capt’n Bligh.
Hannity likes to distort
Global warming he’ll report
Is BS we all know that
It’s just silly liberal chat
Karl Rove's on often
your mind he'll soften
he seems to think that
liberals all are just rat scat.
Romney’s on with Huckabee
Oh the spin that we will see
Health care is their cause this year
Stirring up the public’s fear
Yes Limbaugh tells me
And fox news sells me
They think that I’m dumb
Any more and I’ll become.
global warming is all fake
Created for the liberal’s sake
Science too is just all wrong
This is the denier’s song
Yes Limbaugh tells me
And fox news sells me
Science will hurt you
It’s a pile of cow do do.
Lin Lyons 3/10
=======================
Spring
Spring is sprung, the trees were hung
with snow and ice in winters vice,
but spring is here, that's great 'cause we're
about to see spring showers encourage the flowers
that come with the season, there is a reason
that winter dreary leads to spring so cheery.
The rain to cleanse the winter dens
of ice and snow and dreary woe
that has our psyche all yucky and spiky
the sand on our roads, dumped by truck loads
has left it's grit, you must admit
o'r all our moods, and winter foods.
but now it's spring and that will bring
gray skies you know, but not much snow
but warm and rain and bursting grain
yes, wheat to sprout without a doubt
for us to cut and thrash and winnow
and bake to bread by the kitchen window.
Our spring showers, clean and scour
our inner thoughts, our every hour
they make our day both bright and gay
and take our wintery thoughts away
we tend our yard and we discard
the tools and shovels, by winter scarred.
We leave behind our winter clothes
and rest our weary, runny nose
and take delight that the springtime sight
of birds returning in glorious flight
with summer song – you know you'd
have to be in a better mood.
So good bye winter, hello spring
it's time for another delightful fling
to lift our spirit, make us fly
take our spirits up to the sky
to laugh and sing and shout and say
this is spring, and a beautiful day.
Lin Lyons 2011
===================
Missing parts
First I lost some colon
Five inches were paroled.
Next came my gall bladder
Doc said if was full of mold.
My prostate comes out next
It's yucky, I've been told.
Now if I really don't need them
Why'd evolution put 'em there?
I don't need lots of extra stuff
to carry around everywhere.
All this stuff to go awry
doesn't seem at all fair.
When I was young, mom said eat your peas,
“It'll put hair on your chest.”
It would appear that dad ate his,
to that I can attest.
So I did, but migration seems to have,
given my barber a permanent day of rest.
Lin Lyons 2011
===================
Not done yet. Meter isn't right.
When you wish upon a Trump,
Makes no difference where you dump
Anything your bigotry desires
Will come to you.
USA, USA, USA, USA
If the Klan is in your dream
No request is too extreme
Muslims, Mexicans, non-whites too
All are in that hated brew
Anything your ignorance desires
Will come to you.
USA, USA, USA, USA
Anyone that's not like you
Probably is planning a coup
We must take out country back
Before they gather to attack
Anything your fear desires
Will come to you.
USA, USA, USA, USA
They're plotting to let ISIS in
And creating quite a din
Installing here Sharia law
On our freedoms they will gnaw
Anything your prejudice hates
Will surely haunt you.
USA, USA, USA, USA
Trump will be our country's savior
Preventing all our bad behavior
EPA, Planned Parenthood, and PBS too
Will all receive their republican due
Anything your intolerance dislikes
Will inspire your hate.
USA, USA, USA, USA
Our country will be great again
All the culprits we'll detain
Put 'em on a yuge airplane
Or a Mexico bound train
USA, USA, USA, USA
And there'll be jobs for everyone
When the cleanup is finally done
All the land will be well employed
And the country will be overjoyed
USA, USA, USA, USA
To see that our land is clean
And all those that were so obscene
Finally have been all cast out
Then there'll be no doubt
USA, USA, USA, USA
That America will be great again
The country of the great John Glenn
The country that leads the world
In the theater of the absurd.
USA, USA, USA, USA
Lin Lyons 2016
===================
Go Tell It on a Glacier .... (refrain)
Go tell it on a glacier,
Up in the hills and eve-rywhere.
Go tell it on a glacier,
That global warming's here.
While Exxon folks are watching,
Their stock price day and night,
This whole wide world is cooking,
In fossil fue-led light. (refrain)
C-O-2 is rising,
All around the world
From power plant chimneys,
Clouds of coal smoke curled. (refrain)
Arctic ice is melting
Making travel hard,
With all that open water,
The Husky dogs are barred. (refrain)
Glacier Park is classic
With glaciers it's alive
There used to have a hundred,
Now there's twenty-five. (refrain)
---------------------
Oh when the Trump, comes marching in,
When Donald trump becomes the President,
You don't want to be in the US,
When Donald Trump comes marching in.
Oh when Mike Pence, comes marching in,
Oh when Mike Pence sits in the Senate,
You don't want to need planned Parenthood,
When Mike Pence comes marching in.
When Kelly Ann Conway, comes marching in,
When Kelly Ann Conway starts defend Trump,
You don't want to be on the Ethics Committee,
When Kelly Ann Conway comes marching in.
Oh when Scott Pruitt, comes marching in,
Oh when Scott Pruitt is head of the-EPA,
You don't want to live in Michigan,
When Scott Pruitt comes marching in.
When Andy Puzder, comes marching in,
When Andy Puzder is secretary of labor,
You don't want a minimum wage job,
When Andy Puzder comes marching in.
Oh when Tom Price, comes marching in,
Oh when Tom Price comes to HHS,
You don't want to go to the hospital,
When Tom Price comes marching in.
Oh when Steve Bannon, comes marching in,
Oh when Steve Bannon is Trump's advisor,
You don't want to have a full stomach,
When Steve Bannon comes marching in.
Oh when Steven Mnuchin, comes marching in,
Oh when Steven Mnuchin heads the Treasury,
You want to own lots of bank stock,
When Steven Mnuchin comes marching in.
When Nikki Haley, comes marching in,
When Nikki Haley heads to the UN,
You don't want to be a delegate,
When Nikki Haley comes marching in.
When Betsy DeVos, comes marching in,
When Betsy DeVos is Secretary of Education,
You don't want to be in school,
When Betsy DeVos comes marching in.
Oh when Jeff Sessions, comes marching in,
Oh when Jeff Sessions is Attorney General,
You can join the KKK or Storm Front,
When Jeff Sessions comes marching in.
Dec 2016
==========================
Inspired by George Takei's; Tinkle tinkle little czar, Putin put you where you are.
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
Putin put you where you are.
In the White House office high,
American's to crucify
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
With Putin's wishes you'll comply.
Paul Ryan, McConnell too
Congress will become a zoo
Ethics, morals, rich tax cuts,
You'll pull from your g'mint butts
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
On this country you're a scar.
EPA, FDA, and education
They'll go on a long vacation
Rules and taxes and regulations
Will be subject to castrations.
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
As you wield your wrecking bar.
Hail the country's narcissist
This great nation's arsonist.
Health and wealth and dignity too
All our values you eschew.
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
Politics is now bizarre.
What a wonder to behold,
How this nation will be sold.
With our wealth you'll gladly traipse
Over to Putin to hide those tapes
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
Hide 'em behind the Kremlin bar.
Comfy in your White House chair
While the public does despair
Jobs and health and savings too,
all are gone because of you.
Tinkle tinkle golden head
The American dream is dead.
With ego great and morals small
You think that you'll have a ball
With every insult, you will tweet,
'Cause you just can't stand the heat
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
Every day seems more bizarre.
You're getting old, and that must hurt
'cause you've left a lot of dirt.
More and more, reporters look,
And turns out you're quite a crook.
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
There's much more with which they'll tar
Your thin orange needy hide
And dent your petty delusional pride
'Cause your past is pretty greedy
And your ego is really needy
Tinkle tinkle little czar,
You really want to be commissar.
Jan, 2017
=========================
'Twas pretty easy, in days of yore
when there were often rhymes galore
When the fodder was all about
and of the truth, there was no doubt.
When we had jobs and food to eat
and life was really pretty sweet
but now with covid nipping our heels
dismal life is what we feels.
Worrying when we'll all get sick,
If you're old, the arithmetic
is no longer in your favor,
how much left is there to savor?
We see our kids and smile a mite
and hope that we have raised 'em right
we hope their future disaffection
will improve with the next election.
Oh that I could find the phrases
that would soften our malaises
but time has stolen my creativity,
activity, proclivity, productivity and motivity.
Lin Lyons, April 2020
===============================