Getting Acquainted with Grief
By Marife Palima
In a flash, CoViD-19 altered our lives. It is here. Unexpected, unwanted and unwelcome. We're shaken and disturbed. We’re scrambling to figure things out. We think of effective ways to keep ourselves and families safe and secure. Stock up on supplies. Maintain proper hygiene. Stay indoors. Social Distancing. These and more have become significant parts of household lingo.
The list could go on and on. Do you feel your heartbeat racing? In a matter of days, we were thrust into a harrowing time of pandemic. As the Enhanced Community Quarantine was put in place, we sensed an increasing feeling of uncertainty and for others it can be acutely distressing. It finally hit me that things were not the same when it became impossible for us to be with a dear friend who lost her father days after the community quarantine was declared.
I ached that we could not go. It’s not supposed to be this way. Soul friends weep together and catch each other’s tears on the darkest of days. Then it was followed by a cancellation of a long awaited trip to be with family.
The following days were just too overwhelming as the death toll continues to rise globally. Can you imagine 900 people dying each day in Italy? It’s perturbing and heartbreaking. Children are losing their parents. Some unexpectedly become orphans. The medical community is losing committed front liners. And an added panic crept in when my primary medication for Lupus went out of stock! My husband and I belong to the vulnerable group for COVID-19 because of our existing medical conditions. It feels strange and real to think about death. Death not just of other people but my own. I am grieved for a whole lot of reasons.
Grief is mourning the loss of something or someone. It is much more than feeling blue. It is a given part of life and a normal and natural response to loss. It is an ache that seems to be inconsolable at times.
Some days, it's accompanied by an unstoppable flow of tears. Other days, it just feels heavy in the heart. Culture sees grief as an event and not as a process (that is not necessarily a linear one). People do not grieve the same way. It will be different for every individual. Grief can be disorienting.
“And when there is loss, there is grief. And when there is a sudden shocking loss, there is the ambiguous losses. People don’t understand that the complex constellation of feelings I just described is grief. Grief for ambiguous losses.” (Lauren Rockwell, The Mighty)
Scott Berinato of Harvard Business Review spoke with David Kessler, a grief expert, on the subject. He co-wrote the popular book, “On Grief and Grieving: Finding Meaning of Grief through the 5 Stages of Loss” with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. His new book adds another stage in the process, Finding Meaning: The Sixth stage of Grief. Their conversation offered helpful ways to navigate through what Kessler referred to as “collective grief in the air.” Yes, it is right to call some of what we are feeling as grief. Here's the article that contains the interview with David Kessler.
Listening to one another:
When we sit with someone who is grieving or in a hard place, we should not make assumptions that we fully understand how they feel or what fears they face. Megan Divine , author of It’s Ok that You Are Not Ok said, “Pain is hard to witness and hard to tolerate.” Let’s not tell people what to do or not to do. ASK FIRST. Ask what it’s like for them. Ask what is real for them. And listen well. The following are some questions we can consider:
What are some feelings you have about CoVID-19, community quarantine, lockdown? What is this like for you?
What are some losses a person could be facing during this pandemic?
Name the losses that you have had to face personally because of CoVID 19 crisis.
What grieves you the most during this time? In the stages of grief, where do you find yourself? (as mentioned by David Kessler in the article)
What has helped you cope and stay hopeful in this uncertain time?
One of the proven ways that lifts a person’s spirit in a time of difficulty is to keep an attitude of gratitude. What are you grateful for?
In sorrowful times and challenging situations in our lives, it is important to cling to what we believe. How has your faith in God helped you look at the sufferings around you and still give you hope?
What has God revealed Himself to you through this time? What promises of God sustain you?
Only Wounded Soldiers Can Serve
Many things have changed since the community quarantine. We now face a new normal. Before CoViD, we don’t disinfect a pack of bread! Before CoViD, shared spaces create connections but now we’re forced to distance ourselves. Amidst all the new way of living we need to settle into, this is also a remarkable time for us to individually get acquainted with our own hearts—and perhaps listen more intently to the gentle whispers of the Spirit. Maybe as God expands and deepens our hearts, and as we face our own losses, we can be more acquainted with the sufferings of another.
May we find ourselves moving toward and not stepping back from those who are in sorrow. Yes, we rejoice with those who rejoice but God also calls us to weep with those who weep, to help carry the load of another.
The tears of God’s people are a beautiful sight. It is precious to shed and express them in ways that make the love of Jesus real to those who are grieving. Jesus wept for others. He wept for Jerusalem. He wept with Mary. He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. Brennan Manning wrote, “In love’s service, only the wounded soldiers can serve.” In this time of collective grief, may your own pain be God’s ground to prepare you for service—maybe not in ways you expect but in the way of the Wounded Healer.
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