Q: 

Dear Nest,

I haven’t always had the best relationship with my family, so I’m starting to dread Thanksgiving coming up. It’s never really ended well, but with the added pressure of college and more responsibilities lately, I’m worried I won’t feel good enough due to my family’s expectations. How do I survive the holiday season?

A:

Unfortunately, there’s no real way to eliminate the toxicity that you’re experiencing unless you avoid seeing these people altogether. Likely, this isn’t a possibility, though it sounds like soon you will be able to go to college and make a separate, better life for yourself. This is something good to hold onto as the holiday season comes around–that it won’t always have to be this way. That being said, regardless of if this is one of the last Thanksgiving celebrations you’ll have to attend, it’s important to pick your battles. If you haven’t first tried to set boundaries, a good place to start is letting your family know when they are going too far, and politely asking to change the subject. Of course, it is good to stand up for yourself, but you know your family best–if you’ve already tried to set boundaries to no avail, it may not be worth the extra trouble. It won’t be easy, but if your main goal this year is to avoid conflict with your family, sometimes there are fights worth letting go of in the moment. 

If the conversation escalates and your family makes you feel less than you are (perhaps asking personal questions about your future, your relationships, schoolwork, or whatever the case may be), there are a few methods to how you can handle those situations effectively. For one, you’re never obligated to tell them anything you don’t want to–and if you expect that they’ll pry you with questions, now might be a good time to start thinking about what you think they’ll say. That way, you can come up with some responses that won’t feed the flame too much, but will still get the conversation moving along swiftly and as painlessly as possible. It seems like you’re most worried about the inevitable college conversation. In that case, your best option to avoid the topic might be to keep your response quick, vague, but friendly enough that you don’t get asked any follow up questions or create tension. This could be as simple as, “I feel good about where I’m at right now,” a response that doesn’t actually give them any information of where that may be, but is positive enough that it may be easier to change the subject from there (which you should attempt to do by asking someone else an unrelated question). 

Another key aspect to preserving your sanity this Thanksgiving is remembering who you are and building up your self confidence. It’s easy to feel the weight of others’ words, especially from family members who you’d want to be supporting you in times of stress like this. However, if you can walk away from any situation knowing that you’ve done your best and that you are someone to be proud of, their external validation will start to mean much less to you. Flood your mind with positive thoughts, or even start a list of all the reasons to love yourself. It may start with only a few bullets, but you’ll find that as time goes on and you start to actively look for the good in yourself, the list will grow. Thus, when a family member starts to make you feel less than you are, you’ll be able to reassure yourself that this is false. To start you off, you reached out for help when you needed it. That’s already something to be proud of, and something you can add to your new list! Just remember that you can and will go far with or without their support. Good luck!

Q:

Dear Nest,

Lately, I’ve been knee-deep in work–both in school and out of it. I spend almost all of my time writing, doing some sort of project or homework, and when I’m not doing that, I’m involved in extracurriculars that take up the rest of my time. Most nights, I get home at around 9 P.M., and I’ve realized that I haven’t even really had time or energy to spend with my friends or family. It’s only October and I’m already burnt out. Sometimes it’s really hard to find motivation for everything I have to do. I feel bad being so distant from the people I love, but I find it hard to take care of myself in the first place. How am I supposed to care for others?

A:

For starters, you’re right to some degree–it’s difficult to care for others when you’re struggling so much yourself. However, the answer to your question might actually be hidden right in the question. These loved ones you mentioned are there for a reason–this might be the perfect opportunity to reach out to them and get help. You may not have to make time to see your loved ones right now, but reaching out is always a good idea. Take some time to reflect on who is important to you, and what you might want to say to them.

You may start with some sort of apology for not reaching out enough, but then specify that there is a reason why. From there, you can let them know that you need help. The help you’re looking for may not have to be directly from them, but it’s always good to have people supporting you, especially if you have such a boatload of work. Maybe they can help you find more consistent, professional help to mediate your mental health and find a better balance. This could be therapy or even just talking with your guidance counselor. While it is possible to do this on your own, asking for help with a trusted friend around often makes the process easier. If you need space, you can also let them know that but reassure them that this is just a busy time period for you and that it isn’t personal.

Once you’ve communicated with your loved ones and potentially received some aid, you might notice a little weight being lifted off your shoulders. Still, if you are worried that the distance will cause problems between you, or if you feel strongly that you want to spend more time with them, I suggest taking a moment to reflect. Think about what is most important to you right now. What responsibilities do you have that are causing so much stress? Can any of them be passed on to someone else, or are any of them not even important to you in the first place? See if there’s anything you can drop from your to-do list, and whether or not you can, that's a great place to start. Once you’ve thought about that, make a mental or physical list of the people you love and want to spend more time with. If you’re just worried that you aren’t caring enough for them, make an effort to check in with each of them just once or twice a week to start. This can be as quick as a text message asking how they’re doing or letting them know they’re on your mind if you’re not up for starting a conversation. If you do decide to start a conversation, pay attention to what they say, and again make note of what they might need from you. This way, when you talk to or see them next, you won’t feel as out of touch with them and can make more of an effort to show your love for them.

Another way to bridge the distance between you and your loved ones is to maintain a calendar if you don’t already, and create plans with them ahead of time. Even if these plans are just an hour or two of your day, once every week or two, it’ll show that you’re making an effort and will allow you to have some time away from your work and to spend with your friends or family. It also won’t stress you out as much because if you make them ahead of time you can plan the rest of your work around that so there isn’t any overlap. Alternatively, you can plan specific study sessions or days to get some work done with friends. This allows you both to continue doing what you have to get done, but still spend time with each other.

Regardless of how you choose to approach the situation, a good friend will understand your situation and want to be there for you in any way they can. Don’t be afraid to reach out, and good luck!

Q:

Dear Nest,

Until recently, I’d never really thought of myself as anything other than straight. Lately, though, I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling differently about my best friend who is also a girl–I’m constantly thinking about her and get happy/nervous whenever her name is mentioned. When we spend time together, it’s like time stops and I just want to be closer to her. At this point, I’m pretty certain that I have feelings for her. However, I’m worried what people might think and that she might not feel comfortable with our friendship if I tell her. Should I go for it, or just try to move on?

A:

Falling in love is a wonderful feeling. More importantly though, it’s one you can’t always control. Thus, external factors shouldn’t sway you towards getting over it sooner than you’re ready to. Since you already seem certain that this is the way you feel, it comes down to the decision of whether or not to pursue this relationship. Firstly, you mention being afraid of what others think–this should be your last priority. Unfortunately, there are always going to be people who aren’t accepting of others, and those are the types of people you don’t want in your life in the first place. If this is unavoidable, such as a family member or someone you see every day, it is also true that you don’t owe them any explanation of who you like. This information can stay between you and the people you trust for as long as you’re comfortable with. Eventually, it might feel relieving and freeing to come out, as it does for many people, but it is also not an obligation–especially if you feel that doing so might put you in an unsafe situation. That being said, a fear of judgment should not be what stops you from pursuing someone you love. It’s important to be confident in who you are, regardless of who you love or how you identify.

You also mention being afraid that she might be uncomfortable with your friendship if you confess. This is where you need to ask yourself: Is this fear rational, or not? If you feel that your friend may not be accepting of you, it may be time to reconsider if this is someone you really want to spend time with. The people you surround yourself with should be those who love you regardless of your sexuality or identity, and should be open-minded even if they don’t entirely understand at first. If this is not the case, you may be dodging a bullet by moving on from her. However, if this does not apply to that friend, the only real thing stopping you from telling her how you feel is the fear that she might not feel the same way. It’s completely understandable to not want to hurt your friendship, especially if you like her. In any situation where you make yourself vulnerable, it is possible to get hurt. However, the fear of getting hurt should not stop you from taking a risk that could result in something great. 

Now you can weigh your options: am I content with how our friendship is, or will keeping this a secret hurt me even more in the long run? If you want to keep your friendship the way it is, there’s your answer. It may not be that simple, though, as oftentimes we try to suppress our feelings and find that they aren’t as avoidable as we think. If this feels like it may be the case for you, the best thing to do would be to communicate with her openly. This doesn’t have to be asking her out on a date or to be your girlfriend if you’re not ready, but just letting her know that this is how you’ve been feeling and that you’re supportive of however she might feel in return. If she feels the same, great! If not, be prepared to accept that you may need some distance to get over her and to prevent getting hurt more. That may not have to be the case though–if you feel like you are perfectly comfortable with being around her, now that she knows how you feel, by all means do so. In any case, open communication is the key to every friendship and relationship, so being transparent shouldn’t result in something catastrophic (and if it does, maybe you weren’t meant for each other after all). Whatever you choose to do, remember to authentically be yourself. Good luck!