Sports

All MLB Teams Ranked, Based Solely on Their Names

Keira McDonough, EIC and Ella Stern, EIC

DISCLAIMER: The only research we did for this was looking up a list of team names. 

FIRST PLACE: Miami Marlins

I, Keira E. McDonough, have literally never heard a better name for a sports team. There's alliteration, Finding Nemo, it sounds fun, potential for a great mascot, pays homage to Miami's well-known beaches. A fish mascot is certainly an interesting choice for baseball, though, to say the least, because everyone knows fish cannot play baseball on account of having no legs. But then again, neither can birds (which is every other team's mascot), because birds do not have arms. 

Pittsburgh Pirates

I! love! pirates! PIRATES ARE AMAZING, TOP-TIER NAME. A great thing to name a sports team after, though unfortunately I do not think Pittsburgh is particularly well-known for its pirates. An amazing name nonetheless, and I appreciate the alliteration. And any connection to the word “swashbuckling” gets extra points. 

Colorado Rockies

Not enough team names are a reference to something in their state (or at least not an obvious reference). This one is, and Rockies was such a good choice for a reference to Colorado. It is a cool-sounding name, and it isn’t trying too hard to sound cool. It refers to the Rocky Mountains, and mountains are a good thing to associate with a sports team because they are tough and hard to beat, like teams want to be. Plus, you have all the built-in “you rock!” jokes, and pun possibilities should obviously be the most important factor. All of these benefits outweigh the singular con: mountains cannot play baseball. This is illogical. 

Washington Nationals

This is by far one of my favorites, because DC is the nation's capital, so of course they're the Nationals. It's also a good way to set the team up for success, because by calling them the Nationals, they're implying that they are THE baseball team of the United States, but in a very subtle way so that it doesn't sound egotistical.

Minnesota Twins

I like that they named it after a classic Minnesotan feature and that they called them the Twins instead of the St Paul Whatevers and the Minneapolis Whatevers. It is so nice that they got over their rivalry to play baseball; it really captures the true American spirit of the sport. (Ella would like to add that this name does not incite any sort of fear in their enemies and a good team name does. I disrespectfully disagree, because of The Shining.) Plus, twins would be good at baseball, because they make a good team. 

Tampa Bay Rays

IT RHYMES! I forget where Tampa Bay is, but based on the fact that it has the word bay in it I assume it is by the sea, and that is indeed where rays live. The only issue I see with this name is that rays are not a very memorable or interesting logo/mascot. 

Houston Astros

A creative effort because the NASA headquarters is in Houston, it is an ode to a classic movie line, and it is a much better way to incorporate Houston's spaceyness than calling themselves the Houston Spaceships or Planets or something. Points off because they beat the Red Sox in the ALCS and I hate that. 

Texas Rangers

I like it. It references something the state is known for and invokes the Texas spirit, but they could have chosen a better sports team name, because rangers don't really have much to do with sports. But cowboys are cool and have fun hats. Points for fun hats. 

Toronto Blue Jays

I love blue jays, but it's not like Toronto is famous for their blue jays. (Or they are and I just don't know that.) This is the major leagues! Team names count! Why pick a random bird to name your team after when there's so much rich history your city has to offer for a name?

St. Louis Cardinals

Again with the random birds. Is St. Louis known for cardinals? Do they know that every state has cardinals? 

Baltimore Orioles

I do not know what Orioles are, but when I was little I thought Baltimore was called Voldemort so that puts me off the name a lot. 

Milwaukee Brewers

You’re a sports team, not a brewery. It's not as bad as other team names, and it does reference something the city is known for, but it sets up people to be mean to this team’s players about the amount of alcohol they drink. However, it does probably bring in lots of money for any pubs near the baseball field, so support small businesses I guess. 

Los Angeles Dodgers

No. This would be a name for a dodgeball team. Also, this implies that people are throwing baseballs at you like rotten tomatoes because you're bad. Thumbs down. (While I, Keira, do not think it implies that, I do not like them because when they moved to LA from Brooklyn it made my grandpa sad.)

Detroit Tigers

Solid. Tigers are a fierce animal, so they make a good name for a sports team. They’re not an overused team name either. Nothing stands out to me about this name, but it was a good and safe choice, even though it sounds bad. But it doesn't have anything to do with Detroit. A better name could be the Detroit Cars, because they make a lot of cars there. (I, Ella, disagree that Cars would be a good sports team name, just for the record.) (I, Keira, do not necessarily think that it would be a good sports team name, but it would definitely be better than Tigers, because tigers cannot play baseball.) (I, Ella, like that this implies that cars can play baseball. Go Lightning McQueen I guess.) (I, Keira, assert that Ella clearly has never seen Transformers.) 

New York Mets

What is a met? I have never met a met. Also, I hate New York sports teams. But they get points for not being the Yankees.

New York Yankees

Boo Yankees. Their logo doesn't even make sense. Yes, yankees are American and all that, but this team doesn’t get to take credit for all of America. If anything, Boston does. 

Cleveland Guardians

Although “guardians” is a better team name than some on this list because it sounds confident and sports-y, they used it for the wrong sport. No one really guards anything in baseball! They should have used this name for the basketball or football team, or really any sport but baseball. 

Chicago Cubs

Listen, I know Chicago is really into bears for whatever reason, and all their teams are named after bears, but there are no bears in Chicago, so why would you base your city's personality on something it doesn't have? I have a list of much better ideas and I think Chicago could use my consulting. For example: the Chicago Beans (bean statue), the Chicago Zephyrs (the Windy City! and Zephyrs is super cool sounding), the Chicago Slices (because they're known for deep-dish pizza).

Atlanta Braves

So close to being a good name, but not quite. Naming yourself the Braves implies that your team needs to be reminded to be brave, which implies that the other teams are better than you. Or that you have to be brave because often you get hit in the face with baseballs. Or both. 

Boston Red Sox

Okay, we love the Red Sox, but their name is really dumb. Sorry, but who names their team after socks? Socks do not inspire fear, except if they’re really smelly. And you don’t want people saying your team smells. And why red? Baseball socks are green, because of grass stains. And, if you make the decision to name your team after socks, what’s the point of spelling it wrong? Plus, the name isn’t related to the team mascot at all. (Although, not dressing someone up as socks is probably a good thing.)

Chicago White Sox

A rip off of the Red Sox. (Even if they came first, which I'm pretty sure they didn't, they still copied it.) 

San Francisco Giants

This is the name of New York's football team, and it doesn't even apply to San Francisco because San Francisco is not that big. The name has good connotations for sports teams in general, but not necessarily for baseball.

Cincinnati Reds

Is it better than the Red Sox because it’s not named after socks? Or worse because it’s just a color? I guess red connotes anger, which is not bad for a team name, but please, you don’t get a monopoly on the color red. It reminds me of the Dartmouth Green, the Brown Browns, and the Harvard Crimson and their lack of mascots, just colors. 

Arizona Diamondbacks

I honest to God have never heard of this team before today. I didn't even know they had baseball in Arizona. I mean I did, because my friend lives in Arizona and her ex-boyfriend played baseball, but what even is a diamondback? It reminds me of the UNC Tar Heels, which has history, and that's great, I love a historical name, but maybe not something super niche that barely makes sense when you leave the state. Like yeah, mines, I think, but what does that have to do with backs? I'm really confused. 

Kansas City Royals

Egotistical. I would hate this team before ever playing them because their name makes it sound like they think way too highly of themselves. They shouldn’t need to name themselves the Royals in order to get people to like them, and doing so sounds desperate. Plus, they are one of many teams on this list setting themselves up to be made fun of if they don’t live up to their name. 

Philadelphia Phillies

This is even worse than the Los Angeles Angels. But it is not ranked below them, because it is funny. 

Los Angeles Angels

How uncreative can you get? Also, Los Angeles already has a team! Why do they need two? If you're going to be uncreative, you could at least be funny. And this is not funny. 

San Diego Padres

San Diego Dads. That should be a Facebook group, not a baseball team. 

Seattle Mariners

No. Seattle barely has a sea, I don't even know why it's called SEAttle. Yes, it is on the coast, but Seattle is not known for its coast, it is known for its forest. Call them the Seattle Trees or something. Mariners just sounds like a rip-off of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Even if they did come first, which they very well may have, it sounds like a knockoff. And it’s worse than the Pirates because there’s no alliteration. It doesn't even sound good. Mariners is not a fun word to say, and it doesn't make me think of sports at all.

LAST PLACE: Oakland Athletics

What kind of a team name is this?? That's like naming a museum "The Artistics". Not only is it stupid, uncreative, and overall a terrible name for a team, they're basically setting themselves up to be made fun of if the team isn't athletic.

Did You Hate the Halftime Show? 

Connor Federico-Grome

Every year, Americans across the United States pile onto their couches or into plastic seats to witness the legendary Super Bowl halftime show. This year's show did not disappoint, yet those who were against it stood strong in their opposition. I wonder, does their apprehension toward performances of an art form dominated by people of color reflect further on their character and tolerance, or lack thereof? 

Without a doubt, the halftime show is one of the biggest performances of the year; in fact, many watch the Super Bowl not to see the game, but only to see the halftime show. Previous performers include Lady Gaga, Prince, Beyoncé, Madonna, and a myriad of other pop culture icons. This year's performance was supplied by the hip-hop and rap icons Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Mary J. Blige, Eminem, and Kendrick Lamar. Never before had pop and rock music taken a backseat on such a stage like this. It was a beautiful breath of fresh air from the radio top 40 bangers that dominated the halftime show in years past. I loved the testament to hip-hop and Black culture, but found that my opinion was not as popular as I expected.

 I reflected upon the conservatives in the public eye whose less-than-positive opinions bordered on resentment. Conservative author Nick Adams called the performers “hoodlums” while founder of far-right interest group Turning Points USA, Charlie Kirk, asserted that “this halftime show should not be allowed on Television.” Republican pundit Candace Owens actually spoke out to support the halftime show, calling it “undeniable hip-hop and R&B excellence.” Her fans ripped her apart for it. One wrote back to her to say that he “knew [he] wasn’t the audience for that.” 

This kind of response made me consider what actually motivated so many people to not like this show. I know that it isn’t simply because they don’t like hip hop; it’s deeper than that. These people feel as though they aren’t being seen and heard in this halftime show. Now, this is a new feeling for many of them who likely come from privilege and are used to having everything given to them on a silver platter. For the first time, people of color got to see their culture being fed to the masses on that same silver platter. People in these positions of privilege should realize that their negativity towards expression of Black culture will do nothing about its persistence. No matter how much they complain or call the performance “ghetto” and the performers “hoodlums”, Black artists’ successes will continue to grow. It’s time to recognize that Black culture, hip-hop, and R&B, should sit comfortably in the mainstream. So, next time you see something on the TV that you don’t like or don’t understand, consider just letting it happen instead of being unkind.